You Aren't Born Knowing How To Be A Perfect Parent

It takes time and practice.

mother and toddler son evrymmnt / Shutterstock

I have a belief that I've formed after more than 10 years of being a mother. I believe that some people are born with the innate ability to be a magnificent parent — to effortlessly and effectively bring out the best in their kids and delight in the process.

And others (like me) are born with no such ability. For us, being a parent can be a surprise when we discover that this is something we aren't instantly brilliant at, maybe for the first time in our lives.


We aren't born with an innate ability to be Child Whisperers. It's certainly not effortless. It feels like too much of the time we aren't all that effective. And it's heartbreaking because no parenting advice can prepare you for knowing exactly how to do this magnificently when that baby came out.

As I've gotten older, my friends and acquaintances are mostly parents, and I've come to a new belief. When I first became a mother, I thought that most people were in the first category (innate ability), and only I was in the second category (no such ability).

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I'm now pretty sure that most parents who really care about being awesome parents fall into that second category. And the people in that first category are actually the beautiful souls that come into this world with being a Child Whisperer as their unique brilliance and gift.

Like my sister-in-law, Kerri. I've known that Kerri's unique brilliance was being a mother for our entire lives (I've known her since she was 9 years old), even though she actually just became a mother last year. She just came into this world with parenting as her unique brilliance.

That's what makes her a great teacher as well as an outstanding mother.

So, this is what I have discovered: you know how I always say that "magnificent relationships are created, not found, so stop searching and start building because it's so worth it"? I've discovered that it's the same for parenting.


Being an empowered and effective parent and enjoying the journey is something that's created; you aren't born with that ability, so stop judging yourself for it and start creating it. It's so worth it.

Today, this is my experience of parenting. I treasure the unique brilliance in each of my children. Most of the time, I effortlessly handle their everyday ups and downs with ease and grace.

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I have a ton of fun with my kids; I'm wildly playful with them; I have a deeply honest and real relationship with each of them; I don't treat them the same; I don't get frustrated on a daily basis; I enjoy watching their journey; I trust myself in every situation — the ones I'm prepared for and the ones I'm totally not prepared for.


I focus on what matters and let go of the rest. I may not always actually do what I know works, but I do know what works. And when I forget, I can get right back into it.

I actually love being a parent, and guess what? I think I rock at being a parent — the parent my kids need me to be.

Do things still get tough around here, and do I still have a lot to deal with? Absolutely. But like in relationships, I know how to handle what comes; I trust myself that what I'm doing is the best thing for my kids, and I don't stay stuck in negativity for very long.

What changed for me? How did I go from feeling like a total failure and panicked that I was ruining my kids' entire lives, to being a mother that I'm wicked proud to be? For me, I feel it comes down to four keys:

  1. Personal growth and development.
  2. A perspective shift on parenting.
  3. Parenting tools and strategies that really work.
  4. Expert guidance.

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I have another belief in life: any area of your life where you have pain is an area you need to grow in. If parenting is a struggle for you (whether mildly or massively), it's because you're supposed to grow here.

I can't sugar coat, so I'm just going to be blunt, parent to parent: it's not your kid's job to be the kid you want them to be; it's your job to parent them in a way that allows them to flourish into who they already are.

Since I personally believe in modeling — finding someone who's wildly successful at what I want to do, and teaching it successfully and repeatedly to many people who are getting the results I want — I sought out a solution.


I was seeking someone who was teaching tools and strategies that really worked in a way that aligned with what Paul and I believe about creating a life by design, having personal responsibility, empowering yourself to create what you want, and absolutely living from unconditional love and compassion.

Divinely guided, I found Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions.

I began listening to Amy's proven positive parenting approach methodology and applying her strategies the same day. That night, our household was very different. No yelling, no fighting, no repeating — there was happy, peaceful cooperation, and our parenting has never been the same since.

Stacey Martino helps people through targeted, strategic private coaching, programs, and events for her Relationship Transformation™, Relationship Rescue™, and Relationship Transition™ programs.