If You've Achieved These 5 Things By 50, You've Had A More Meaningful Marriage Than Most People Ever Will
Five markers that show you've built something rare.
Lauren Hogue | Pexels Friends and acquaintances often comment on what a loving and happy relationship my husband and I have. We've been together for forty years, and each year seems to be better than the one before. Recently, we have noticed the little things that add to our happiness. Here are a few little markers that reveal our marriage is the kind of relationship many people hope for but never fully cultivate, despite their best intentions.
If you've achieved these five things by 50, you've had a more meaningful marriage than most people ever will:
1. You still geek out over the same stuff
When you seek a love relationship, you usually hope to attract someone who has similar interests. But what happens when you join your life to a partner who dislikes the hobbies or activities that bring you the most pleasure and resents the time you spend on them?
My next-door neighbor, Janet, was highly educated and had been a voracious reader since childhood. Her husband Bernie was not a college graduate and rarely read. He felt inadequate whenever she had her nose in a book. Bernie constantly criticized and tried to shame her when she opened a book. She finally learned to hide from him in a bubble bath where she lounged and read until the water got cold. Their marriage went from bad to worse until it ended in divorce.
A few years later, Janet met Michael, the man of her dreams, whose love of reading equaled her own. They have now been together blissfully for almost twenty years. She told me that they spend many hours a week with their Kindles, reading for hours at a time. Their relationship is never dull since they always have interesting things to share with each other about what they are reading and learning.
Research from The Gottman Institute cautioned, "The important thing is not what you do together; it’s how you interact while doing it. Any activity can drive a wedge between two partners if they’re negative toward each other. It doesn’t matter whether two people both enjoy kayaking if, when they head out on the lake, one says, “That’s not how you do a J-stroke, you idiot!” Our research has shown that criticism, even of paddling skills, is one of the four destructive behaviors that indicate a couple will eventually divorce."
2. You still make each other genuinely laugh
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We all love to laugh at amusing events and funny people. Laughter can chase worries away and make us feel better physically as well as emotionally. The other evening, my husband and I were watching a silly movie on TV and kept cracking up as the principal actor got into more and more ridiculous situations. We had seen all his films and even watched them more than once. After one hysterical scene, as we caught our breath, my darling hubby turned to me and said, "I love laughing with you!"
Research has discovered that when laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. Laughter also strengthens your immune system and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. No wonder laughing together can enhance relationships.
Personal development coach Pamela Aloia added, "Laughter in a relationship can have hugely positive effects on a couple to help them live happier and increase the length of the relationship, not to mention the quality of their bond. The ability to laugh together gives way to compromise and negotiation and creates a deeper understanding and respect for each other."
3. You still enjoy wrapping each other up in a big hug
Sometimes, when couples have been together for many years, they take each other for granted and only display physical attraction when they are intimate or give each other a perfunctory hug or kiss when they leave for or come home from work, go to sleep at night, or say goodbye at the airport. Justin and Tammie came to me because they thought their relationship was getting stale.
Tammie complained that when Justin reached for her with a certain look in his eyes, it meant, "Let's head to the bedroom." She felt especially annoyed if he approached her while she was in the midst of some chore or activity, since she usually interpreted his touch as asking to satisfy his need right now.
I asked this couple to add a new dimension to their relationship by learning how to share a loving, mindful hug. This kind of hug is immensely satisfying since it allows a couple to experience a tender, intimate connection that expresses caring and commitment without expectation. Try this: When you are feeling affectionate toward your partner, put your arms around each other and stand body to body in a close embrace that is relaxed and not too firm.
Let go of your thoughts and concentrate on the tactile experience. In that moment, focus on your awareness of your loved one's body touching you. Enjoy the positive energy exchange without talking. Relax more and more as you get in touch with the way your loving emotions intertwine. Stand that way as long as it feels yummy. (My friend Mimi is much shorter than her husband, so she stands on the first step of the staircase to achieve the right fit without having to stand on tiptoes).
Author Kory Floy, Ph.D., elaborated, "Whether you’re a touchy-feely person or not, there are multiple reasons to be more physically affectionate in your close relationships. Even if your love language isn't physical touch, it's natural to crave being touched. One of the reasons why hugging, holding hands, and touching feel good to us is that these behaviors elevate our level of oxytocin, a hormone that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation."
4. You still show basic decency toward each other — even on tough days
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Sheri had been married for ten years to Alan, an angry, neurotic man who tended to act cruelly and was seldom sensitive to her needs. After she divorced him, she met and was happily married to Craig. One of the things she admired in Craig was his sensitivity. She said that Craig made her feel safe and special.
Sheri recalled that one of Alan's negative traits was his lack of good manners. He rarely asked for things; he demanded them. She realized that when she was married to Alan, she didn't speak respectfully either. However, it was second nature to Craig to say please and thank you often. Sheri noticed how much better she felt when she spoke courteously to Craig since she now felt cherished and appreciated each and every day, and wanted Craig to feel that way too.
"Express your gratitude when the other person meets your needs," advised psychotherapist Heather Hans, Ph.D. "Doing so lifts your spirit and attracts more of the same. When someone responds positively to your request, taking a moment to express genuine appreciation creates powerful ripple effects that extend far beyond simple politeness."
5. You still surprise each other
Suggest treating your special someone to an impromptu feast at your favorite restaurant on a weekday rather than making it an official Saturday night date. Don't wait until your lover's birthday to surprise them with an "un-birthday" present. It can simply be a fun greeting card that says "I Love You." If you see something you know will delight your partner, don't put it away until Christmas — put it under their pillow tonight.
Get concert or theater tickets to see your spouse's favorite band or a play without letting them know. Then tell them you are taking them someplace unique, but don't tell them where. Let the destination be a surprise. Other thoughtful gifts like flowers or wine may also please the one you love. Your gift doesn't have to be costly. Will they enjoy a mug that says, "World's Best Lover"? Or will they kiss you when you give them a pair of earrings?
Find joy in heartfelt giving and thoughtfulness, and the recipient of your loving gestures will want to make you feel loved, too.
Gloria Arenson is a psychotherapist, specializing in energy and power therapies. She is the author of popular books on eating disorders and compulsive behavior, conducts classes and workshops nationwide, and trains professionals in Meridian Therapy.
