The Art Of Being Heard: 10 Ways To Ask For What You Need Without Feeling Awkward Or Bossy
Speaking up doesn't have to feel cringey.
Yuliia Martynovych | Unsplash It’s not fair or healthy to try to get your needs met by attempting to control others. Doing so is the ultimate symptom of insecurity. Instead, others respond to you in kind by being true to themselves and focusing on your growth and well-being.
You teach others how to treat you by the way you treat yourself. We shall never strive to control others but rather to control ourselves. Assess each relationship in your life and decide its overall purpose. Do you seek a mate? A close friend? Someone who will support you in big life events?
No one person can meet your needs, nor is it healthy to be cloistered and forgo various relationships in your life. The closer a person is to your inner circle, the greater your needs in that relationship. You have more frequent and intimate interactions, impacting each other’s lives more. It’s important to be selective of your closest relationships. Yet, no one will always meet your needs or please you.
It’s not always easy to determine your boundaries and standards. If the relationship benefits your life more than it drains your energy, it’s beneficial. If not, it’s time to move on. You create your life experience. If you choose to be in a relationship with someone, it’s up to you to get what you need.
Here are ten ways to ask for what you need without feeling awkward or bossy:
1. First, know what you need
Knowing your endpoint is how you get there, like a designated destination on a map. Knowing your needs can take time and experience, especially in intimate relationships. One of the ways we discover what we need is by the absence of it in our past relationships.
Therapists from South University note that many people choose similar partners from relationship to relationship, but remain unaware of why these relationships continue to lead to disappointment. We often discover our true needs by experiencing their absence in past relationships, and we finally recognize what we've been missing all along.
2. Make sure a person has the ability and desire to meet your needs
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If you seek a romantic relationship, determine your top five needs and only accept a person who meets these needs. If not, you’re setting yourself up for insanity!
When your needs are met within a relationship, you'll experience higher relationship satisfaction and better overall functioning, research has shown. In committed relationships, people often depend on their partner to fulfill their needs, which makes choosing the right partner from the start critical to the success of the relationship.
3. Be clear about the purpose of the relationship
The overall purpose of every relationship is to increase your capacity to love. Beyond that, clearly articulate the main reasons you’d like the relationship.
According to one study, individuals' understanding of what they want from relationships comes from their basic beliefs about the meaning of those relationships, and this clarity is important for influencing interactions and satisfaction. When you articulate the main reasons you'd like a relationship, you create a foundation for meaningful connection.
4. Find something outside the relationship that means a lot to both of you
This shared focus is something greater than you, individually. It could be your child, your religion, a sport or activity, a charity, etc. When couples focus together on something meaningful beyond themselves, they create what relationship researchers call "shared reality."
This happens because shared goals address inherent needs for security and belonging while fostering dual processes like couple identity and commitment. This external focus gives your relationship a sense of purpose that outshines day-to-day conflicts and keeps you connected to the bigger picture of what you're creating together.
5. Express your gratitude when the other person meets your needs
Doing so lifts your spirit and attracts more of the same. When someone responds positively to your request, taking a moment to express genuine appreciation creates powerful ripple effects that extend far beyond simple politeness.
Research shows that expressing gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness, helping people feel more positive emotions, improve their health, and build stronger relationships. Gratitude serves as a pivotal force in promoting and maintaining prosocial interactions, essentially acting as a lubricant for interpersonal and cooperative relationships
6. Pick your top three favorite qualities of the other person and seek them out regularly
Rather than focusing on their frustrating habits, milk them for their wonderful qualities. For example, if one of their best qualities is their sense of humor, get them talking about a funny topic.
A study of 159 couples found that participants with greater appreciation for their partners' strengths reported more satisfying relationships and were more likely to feel that their partners supported their goals. By identifying and focusing on your partner's strengths rather than trying to fix weaknesses, you create a balanced partnership where both people feel valued.
7. Let the other person know when you see they are trying to meet your needs
Doing so expands your limited beliefs about them and increases your ability to receive love. The more love you allow yourself to receive, the more love the universe can deliver.
This practice of consistent appreciation and positive reinforcement means regularly acknowledging your partner's contributions and expressing gratitude for both large and small gestures. Research has shown that when you vocally recognize someone's efforts to care for you, you signal that their actions matter and deepen the emotional connection between you, creating a cycle where both partners feel more motivated to continue showing up for each other.
8. Make it about your needs, not what they are doing wrong
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When you find yourself obsessing or trying to control the other person, bring the focus back to yourself, your goals, and making yourself happy. The more directly we connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
Studies show that when people express their feelings and needs rather than focusing on blaming or judging, this enables more collaborative and lasting solutions while avoiding resentment. By shifting to this practice, you take ownership of your experience while giving the other person clear, actionable information they can actually respond to..
9. Set personal boundaries to avoid being triggered
Avoid placing yourself in situations with that person that you know upsets you. All humans have quirks and personality deficiencies. Create a safe place, and don’t take their behavior personally.
Research shows that individuals who maintained healthy emotional boundaries were better equipped to regulate their feelings and respond more calmly in stressful situations. By recognizing your emotional triggers and setting boundaries around them, you develop the self-awareness needed to protect your well-being while maintaining healthier, more balanced relationships.
10. Acknowledge your weaknesses
If you focus on the other person’s shortcomings, make sure you spend equal energy on your weaknesses. This step brings you out of your ego and into unity. It also helps you to stop focusing on others to distract you from your pain and issues.
Embracing vulnerability encourages self-reflection and self-awareness, fostering personal growth and development. Research on projection reveals that by externalizing emotions, individuals avoid addressing the root causes of their struggles, hindering personal growth.
Heather Hans, LCSW, MBA, is a Public Speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Intuitive Coach, Holistic Healer, and author of The Heart of Self-Love. Dr. Hans has appeared on multiple news stations and has been featured in Forbes, Fast Company, and PopSugar.
