Experts Say If You Check 'Yes' On These Questions, It’s Infatuation — Not The Real Thing | Janet Ong Zimmerman

What is infatuation? Infatuation is like an innocent fantasy we imagine to be love. It's when we're in love with the idea of love. Don't let your eyes cloud your vision of love. Are you infatuated or in love? To recognize the difference between infatuation and love, consider the following questions. If you answer "yes," it may be infatuation pulling the strings — not the real deal.

Experts say if you check yes on these questions, it’s infatuation and not the real thing:

1. Do you focus on external qualities?

couple who are infatuated as they focus on external qualities Zamrznuti tonovi / Shutterstock

For example, their looks, how much money they make, their job, the car they drive, the house they live in, etc. These are materialistic qualities without a direct link to love. Infatuation causes us to pay more attention to a person's superficial physical characteristics and less attention to their inner, deeper qualities. Almost all women have been or will be infatuated, confusing this with love or a deep like.

2. Do you become consumed by thoughts of them?

couple who are infatuated as they are consumed by thoughts of each other Studio Romantic / Shutterstock

This habit starts at a young age with "puppy love" or a crush on someone and can continue into adulthood. Research from 2023 demonstrates how infatuation tends to happen when we're not in tune with reality. When you're infatuated, your brain fixates on an idealized version of the person rather than who they actually are. Real love, on the other hand, allows space for other thoughts and doesn't take over your entire mental landscape.

3. Do you center your life around them by making them your priority?

woman who is infatuated as she centers her life around man Zamrznuti tonovi / Shutterstock

Making a spouse your priority in a marriage to help resolve long-term marital issues is good. Making a new love your only priority is not a healthy start. When you drop your friends, hobbies, and personal goals to revolve entirely around someone you just met, that's a red flag that you're operating from obsession rather than genuine connection. Real love adds to your life without requiring you to abandon everything else that makes you who you are.

4. Do you believe what they say when your intuition tells you otherwise?

woman who feels infatuation as she believes what he says even when her intuition says otherwise Migma__Agency / Shutterstock

Your intuition is there for a good reason: survival. Don't ignore it without considering why your gut feels something is not okay. Research confirms that gut feelings aren't random. They're your brain processing cues you're not consciously aware of, often leading to faster and more accurate decisions.

When you're infatuated, it's easy to explain away red flags or convince yourself that your instincts are overreacting. But if you find yourself constantly choosing their words over your own inner knowing, that's a sign you might be more caught up in the fantasy than the reality.

5. Is there a superficial connection?

woman who is infatuated with man as there is a superficial connection Drazen Zigic / Shutterstock

Surface connection could be the start of love in development, but if there is nothing deeper, this is not love. Think about whether your bond is built on shared values, emotional intimacy, and genuine understanding, or if it's mostly about physical attraction and having fun together. Real love grows when you can be your full, messy, unfiltered self with someone and feel accepted anyway.

6. Are you unable to see any flaws in them?

woman who is infatuated as she is unable to see any flaws Zivica Kerkez / Shutterstock

We see what we want to see in them and hear what we want to hear. We read more into what they say and do when their words, behaviors, and actions speak otherwise. No one is perfect, and there is no single definition of a perfect relationship.

If you think they are, it is time for a reality check. According to neuroscience, the parts of our brain responsible for judgment and risk detection actually become less active during infatuation, which is why we're literally "blinded" to flaws we'd normally catch.

7. Do you sit by the phone, waiting for their call?

woman who is infatuated as she sits by phone waiting for a call IAKIMCHUK IAROSLAV / Shutterstock

Pining on his whim and willing away the hours waiting for him to reach out to you sounds like you are putting all your eggs (hopes) in one basket (him). Research suggests this is more of an obsession than love. Real connection doesn't leave you frozen in place, anxiously refreshing your phone every five minutes. When it's the real thing, you're able to live your life fully, whether you hear from them or not.

8. Do you pay for a lot of their meals and activities?

woman who is infatuated as she pays for man's meals Srdjan Randjelovic / Shutterstock

Splitting the tab, okay. You pay sometimes, and they pay other times, also okay. Are you always footing the bill? That's not okay. This is not balanced and could be a bad sign. When you're infatuated, you might feel like you need to keep "earning" someone's attention or proving your worth through what you can offer them. But real love doesn't require you to constantly open your wallet to keep someone interested.

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9. Are you spending time where you think they may be, hoping to run into them?

woman who is infatuated as she spends time where she thinks man may be hoping to run into him PeopleImages / Shutterstock

Stalking behavior is one more example of infatuation and obsession. This is obsessive behavior, not pursuing love. When you find yourself "coincidentally" showing up at their gym, their favorite coffee shop, or taking the long route past their office, that's not romance. It's a sign you're more focused on proximity than actual connection.

Real love doesn't require you to engineer run-ins because you're already building something real together. Research on obsessive relationships shows how infatuation can escalate into "accidental" encounters and proximity-seeking that crosses boundaries, often without the person even realizing it's a problem. If you're building something real, you're already in each other's lives on purpose.

10. Are you their other option or afterthought?

woman who is infatuated as she is man's other option Rachata Teyparsit / Shutterstock

Love means you are not just an option. You don't want to be the only priority, the same as you don't want to make them your only priority. However, in love, both people need to make sure the other person knows they are important and not something they consider after the day is done.

Infatuation is fleeting and less fulfilling. If your relationship is based on infatuation, you'll compromise who you are, neglect what's important to you, and never feel like a priority in your life. You build up this fantasy of someone, which is going to lead to a lot of disappointment.

Being disappointed and discouraged when relationships based on infatuation don’t work out is understandable. Realize there are always good lessons to be learned from these types of relationships.

The overarching lesson is to let your heart choose who to love instead of letting your eyes choose. Here's how to know if your relationship is based on real love: You bring out the best in each other. You're happier than not. They treat you with love and respect. Your life is better because they are in it. There is no doubt — you just know they are the right person for you.

Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach and the founder of Love for Successful Women. She helps successful women find the love they desire.