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How do you know if it's the real thing or just a fling?
By Orna & Matthew Walters — Written on Oct 18, 2021
It’s exciting when you meet someone new and you can’t keep your hands off each other. Just the thought of seeing him again has butterflies fluttering around in your stomach.
But how do you know if he's in love for real, or just in lust?
When you’re looking for something lasting, you don't want to find out that he's just feeling hot and bothered and not committed.
Attraction and chemistry are important ingredients for lasting love. However, they're not the only ingredients that matter. There has to be more between the two of you than a mutual turn-on in order for love to last.
Are there dating red flags you can look for that let you know the difference between lust and love? How do you know if he’s in lust with you or if it’s real love?
Here are 13 signs he's in lust with you but not in love.
1. He moves things forward really fast.
He’s giving you the full-court press, calling, texting, sending flowers, and even declaring his love by the second date. He wants to go exclusive right away and wants to marry you within a week.
This guy is falling for a fantasy he has of you, not who you really are. See if you can slow him down and set your own pace. If he can’t make the adjustment, then he isn’t your guy.
Remember, it’s up to you to set the pace of the relationship.
2. He only seems interested in what's between the sheets.
Do you end up in bed before you even make it out of the house and miss the start of the movie? Does his idea of a date involve making sure you drink enough to let down your inhibitions? Do you spend more time together without clothes than with?
If the two of you aren’t going out into the world with other people and are only ending up in the sack, then it's possible there's nothing more here than pure animal lust.
This may be fun for a short while, but it’s not going to be satisfying in the long term.
3. He only reaches out to you at the last minute.
A guy who wants a relationship with you will want to plan a date with you in advance. He’ll want to lock in spending time with you so that other guys can’t.
He’ll want to book you for next week or maybe even plan a trip with you a few months out to get some quality time in.
The guy who's texting you at the last minute to "hang out" isn’t really interested in anything other than hooking up with you.
If you let him know you’re already booked and to only reach out to schedule in advance, he'll move on to someone who's OK with making things easy for him.
4. Details of his life are fuzzy or vague.
If you don’t know anything about where he works or who his friends are and he doesn’t openly share what's going on in his life, then he’s really only seeing you for one thing.
A guy who wants a relationship will share his life with you. He'll want you to know about his dreams and goals or any disappointments he’s experiencing. It’s a huge dating red flag if he remains a complete mystery to you after a few dates.
5. Friends and family aren’t part of your relationship.
If you’ve never met any of his friends or family and he’s not really interested in meeting yours, then that’s another dating red flag. Part of falling in love is sharing your life with one another, and that includes friends and family.
A man who's falling for you will want to mix your life and his life together.
6. He doesn’t open up to you emotionally.
Is he more than willing to share his sexual fantasies with you but he’s not willing to share his heart or allow himself to be vulnerable? If this is the case, he’s probably not emotionally available for a relationship.
He won’t suddenly open up and become the caring man you want him to be. Don’t ignore this dating red flag if you want a relationship where you can experience emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy.
7. He’s too impatient and won’t wait for you.
You may find him super attractive but may not be ready to jump into bed right away with a stranger. If he won’t wait for you to feel more comfortable sharing yourself with him, then he’s not really interested in more than sex.
A man who really likes you will wait for you because he knows you’re worth it. Don’t waste your time or give in to pressure to be intimate before you’re ready.
8. He doesn’t ever plan for the future
Are you constantly wondering where things are going between the two of you because he’s never talking about a future with you?
A guy who's interested in something lasting will plan ahead. He’ll talk about taking a trip together months in advance. He’ll share where he sees his life going and how you fit into his plans.
He will see a future with you and take steps to create it together.
9. He doesn’t respect your boundaries
Does he show up unannounced and expect you to be available? Does he push you to be intimate and not take no for an answer?
If he can’t respect your boundaries and ignores your wishes, then he isn’t really interested in you or in a relationship. He’s just finding out how much he can get from you.
10. Your conflicts are never resolved
Do the two of you have a fight and then later act as if nothing happened?
Conflict is a part of all relationships, but only in healthy relationships is conflict addressed and worked through so that you can reconnect again.
If neither of you takes responsibility for bad behavior or never apologizes to one another, then the relationship will never deepen.
Make-up sex is only satisfying for the short term because, ultimately, those conflicts will return and the toll will leave you emotionally alienated from each other.
11. He’s not curious about you
A man who likes you will want to get to know you, what you like, what makes you tick, and what brings you joy.
If he's obsessed with your physical appearance but doesn’t care about the thoughts in your head, then he's definitely in lust, not love.
12. He doesn’t want to deal with your emotions.
He doesn't know how to handle you when you're upset. He’ll just get up and go when things become uncomfortable.
A guy who likes you will want to help you. He’ll try to make you feel better when you’re upset. He may even offer to hold you and give you a safe place to just feel whatever you’re experiencing.
13. He’s never sincere.
Humor can be very attractive. It’s fun to be with someone who finds humor in life. Almost all dating profiles mention a sense of humor as a desirable quality. But humor as deflection can get tiring very quickly.
Sure, you want a guy who can make you laugh, but you want him to be able to be sincere with you as well.
A relationship with a man who can never be sincere is shallow because life presents challenges for couples to work through. If he’s never sincere and he only wants to make jokes that means he’s using humor to seduce you, and that won’t stand the test of time.
Being in lust is exciting and it can bring the hope that something more can develop between the two of you.
Lasting love occurs by sharing your hearts and your ability to work through your differences to create a life together.
Look out for these dating red flags and avoid wasting your time with a guy who's only after one thing, and who's only in lust with you.
Steering clear of the heartbreakers allows you to focus on finding an ideal match who will stand by you through the tough times as well as share all the joy of the good times with you.
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Orna and Matthew Walters are Soulmate Coaches who have been featured guest experts on Bravo’s "The Millionaire Matchmaker." They uncover subconscious blocks to love so that you can select an ideal partner to share your life with.
This article was originally published at Creating Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.