Wives Who Don't Want To Be Intimate Usually Avoid Their Husbands In These 11 Ways
They're creating space, whether they realize it or not.
George Rudy | Shutterstock Considering there's a lot of emotional labor and ties to physical intimacy, like a 2018 study explains, it's not surprising that many women feel those desires falter with age — when they've become more self-assured, exhausted by unbalanced labor, and unsupported by their partners. Wives who don't want to be intimate usually avoid their husbands in unique ways, but the underlying cause can be rooted in the same experience — there's been a loss of romantic love.
While it's possible to rekindle love and intimacy, even in a long-term marriage that's felt stagnant for a long time, it takes commitment, effort, and work from both partners. If it's only one partner that's putting in the work and doing the emotional labor in a partnership, there's bound to be further disconnection and resentment to follow, whether it's on an emotional level or a physical one.
Wives who don't want to be intimate usually avoid their husbands in these 11 ways
1. They say 'I'm fine'
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While a husband's use of emotional suppression in a marriage may be more harmful than a wife's, according to a study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, phrases like "I'm fine" are still some of the things they say to avoid being intimate with their husbands. They dismiss their own intense feelings to avoid vulnerable conversations and even pull away from physical touch with a phrase like this.
Of course, a loss of intimacy and physical touch can sometimes simply be a reflection of their own loss of identity and fears about losing their partner. Maybe their trust and commitment has been tested and they feel less confident in the longevity of their marriage, so they're less likely to indulge intimate moments as a self-preservation technique.
Wives who don't want to be intimate usually avoid their husbands with "I'm fine" and emotional suppression, but the reason why isn't always the same.
2. They spend less time at home
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Avoiding intimacy can sometimes look like creating physical space, especially for wives that develop avoidant tendencies because of a fear of rejection, abandonment, or betrayal. Like a study from Psychopathology argues, this kind of avoidant attachment and fear can cultivate depression-like symptoms in women, which plays a role in their avoidance of intimacy and closeness with a spouse.
Whether they're dealing with internal turmoil or disconnection in their marriage, wives who don't want to be intimate usually avoid their husbands by spending less time at home and occupying their free time with things that don't encourage intimate conversations or moments.
3. They make excuses
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Many women use excuses like "I'm too tired" or "it's been a long day" to avoid intimacy with their husbands — whether it's cuddling in bed or simply avoiding an intimate conversation about relationship struggles. Of course, this kind of rationalization in the face of another partner's needs is often selfish and deceptive, as it overlooks another partner's need to feel close with excuses, like psychology professor Jason Whiting argues.
This is part of what contributes to resentment and lacking trust in a marriage that's already lost intimacy between partners. Not only are wives resentful and often withholding intimacy for a loss of connection in other ways, their husbands are missing out on the physical touch and affection that they tend to prioritize and seek out in romantic relationships.
4. They avoid conflict and confrontation
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Wives who don't want to be intimate usually avoid conflict and confrontation with their partners. Yes, they may start petty arguments and express their resentment by being hyper-critical, but when it comes to the vulnerable, hard, and open conversations that truly boost and protect relationship health, they actively avoid them.
The healthiest couples boast the best conflict resolution skills in their relationships — protecting them from things like declining communication, shifting needs, and even a temporary loss of intimacy. However, these couples — with wives who actively avoid vulnerability and find ways to dodge intimate moments with their partner — set themselves up for disconnection and toxicity.
5. They're overly irritable and critical
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By being overly critical of her husband, starting petty fights, and judging him in public, wives who don't want to be intimate actually push their partners away — avoiding them by making them feel unheard and unvalued in their presence.
While this may be her only perceived way to express the pent-up irritability, anger, and resentment she feels internally toward her husband, she makes that avoidance of intimacy a product of her husband's annoyance, rather than her own physical space.
6. They keep secrets
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Wives who don't have any desire to be intimate or close with their partners will often tell lies and keep secrets in their relationships, whether they're small things that give them a sense of control over their individuality or larger acts of betrayal.
This kind of dishonesty often undermines trust in marriages, but it can also further exacerbate intimacy issues between these kinds of couples. So, even if it's a tactic for avoiding closeness with a husband she's lost interest, romantic love, and care for, it's setting both partners up for toxic habits and coping mechanisms.
7. They stonewall
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"Stonewalling" — the act of completely withdrawing from communication and vulnerability to avoid conflict — is not only one of the ways wives who don't want to be intimate avoid their husbands, it's also one of the strongest predictors of divorce, according to psychotherapist Marni Feuerman.
Instead of leaning into the difficulty and discomfort of conflict and emotional expression, like most balanced and healthy couples do, these wives protect their own internal sense of comfort by avoiding them entirely.
While it may typically be men who are more likely to resort to stonewalling in their relationships, wives who don't want to be intimate usually avoid their husbands by leveraging it — which is why it's often more easily noticeable in their relationships.
8. They withdraw into their phone
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According to a study from the journal Healthcare, media use and cell phone screen time negatively affects women at disproportionate rates in their marriages compared to male partners, exacerbating relationship dissatisfaction and general mental health experiences.
So, wives who don't want to be intimate may avoid their husbands by retreating to their phones, mindless entertainment, or social media, but it's also largely one of the causes they've become disconnected or resentful in the first place.
From comparison culture, to personal identity and self-esteem struggles, to a loss of intentional quality time, phones can set marriages up for disaster without boundaries.
9. They get overly defensive
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Whether it's making hurtful comments and rolling their eyes or literally avoiding conflict with a defensive attitude, getting overly defensive and experiencing contempt is one of the behaviors most commonly associated with women who've fallen out of love with their partners.
Often triggered by resentment in other areas of life — from household labor to emotional connection — these women use their defensiveness as a means of self-preservation and protection, unable to take on more guilt, frustration, and exhaustion at the hands of their partner.
10. They sleep more
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According to psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, many women who experience a loss of desire for intimacy with their partner — whether it be physical or otherwise — tend to be sleep-deprived. They're either taking on too much responsibility in their homes, families, and marriages, or they're not being supported in prioritizing their own health and rest.
To compensate, sleep could be a tactic for avoidance in these marriages, but also a necessity for a woman who's unburdened herself from unbalanced responsibilities and labor.
11. They spend more time alone
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By spending more time on their own hobbies, going out with their friends, and even working at the office later in the night, wives who don't want to be intimate usually avoid their husbands in these ways. While alone time is beneficial for partners to thrive, especially in long-term marriages and relationships, too much of it can throw off the balance of togetherness and encourage one partner to feel unloved and unvalued.
Even if it's not conscious, women who don't see a future with their partner anymore or who don't feel connected may be taking control of their lives by leveraging alone time. Building their own identity, protecting their self-esteem, and nurturing other connections could be a subconscious coping or defense mechanism against the turmoil of their marriages.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
