6 Simple Marriage Rules You Should Always Keep After Having Kids, According To Experts
Omar Lopez | Unsplash Sometimes, it seems as if being married today is a lot harder than ever. Whether it's getting caught up in a super timely project for work, taking care of the kids, or finishing chores, we're all absorbed with our busy schedules. We want to spend time with our spouses, but things keep coming up, and before you know it, "just ten more minutes" becomes a mantra in our marriage. And then we wonder why our relationship is in trouble.
Yes, raising a family indeed means putting in a serious effort to keep the house tidy, putting food on the table, and making sure that you take care of your kids' needs. But as a wife and a parent, it's important that you also remember that your marriage is just as important — if not more so.
After all, you can't raise happy kids if their core foundation isn't rock solid; a healthy family is only as strong as the parents. Relationship experts Dr. Tammy Nelson, Imago Institute's Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Tony Victor, Sue Butler, LMFT, and Certified Intimacy Therapist Kimberly Anderson raise great points about how you can maintain a great marriage. The good news is that it isn't as hard as you think.
Here are 6 simple marriage rules you should always keep after having kids:
1. Set a daily routine for you and your relationship
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Whether it means setting up a weekly double date with your best friend or setting aside time for just the two of you, having a routine will motivate you. Getting out of the house for some much-needed fresh air is a good first step if you're not sure where to start.
Research conducted on thousands of couples found that making small changes in your daily life will result in larger changes over time, increasing satisfaction and helping to improve communication. Couples who are intentional about protecting small pockets of time together maintain stronger connections, so even carving out 15 minutes a day to really talk can make a huge difference.
2. Be honest about what you're feeling
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It doesn't matter how obvious your mommyhood stress is — chances are, your husband doesn't fully understand what's going on. Don't be afraid to let him in.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples often stop turning toward one another during the first year of parenting, leading to emotional distance and chronic misunderstanding, and that disconnect usually starts when one person assumes the other just knows what's going on. Sometimes the most connecting thing you can say is something as simple as, "This is so much harder than I expected. Are you struggling, too?"
3. Call in reinforcements
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There's nothing wrong with getting outside help from time to time. Get rid of that mentality right now. Having an extra set of eyes and ears on the situation can make a huge difference.
Asking for backup means you're doing the smart thing. A 2023 study shows that positive social support can increase a married person's self-esteem and marital satisfaction, and with 48% of parents saying their stress is completely overwhelming on most days, there's no reason to carry all that weight alone.
4. Put your marriage first
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Hear us out. Your children are your world, end of story. But sometimes, you get so caught up in being parents that you forget that being a parent isn't your only identity.
Couple's therapist Kimberley Anderson says, "I think one of the most important things that couples can do is celebrate their identities as husband and wife, rather than just a mother and a father. Parenting is very de-romanticizing. I think it's important [that you] jazz things up by seeing your partner as a man and a woman and not just as the father or the mother of your child."
5. Agree to disagree
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All healthy couples fight. It's completely natural. How you handle those arguments is what really matters. Remember that fighting isn't about finding a clear winner, but getting to a point where you both feel heard and understood.
Studies indicate that only 3% of couples report never arguing at all (who are these people?), so if you and your spouse are butting heads from time to time, you're in good company. What separates happy couples from struggling ones isn't avoiding conflict altogether but making sure both partners walk away feeling heard and respected.
6. Show your kids your love
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Showing your kids just how much you love each other will impact the way they see future relationships. Although these quick tips are guaranteed to improve your relationship with your partner, Rome wasn't built in a day. Whenever you feel the urge to bury yourself in your work, do yourself a favor and hit that play button again and again.
Children raised in a harmonious environment where parents show affection and resolve conflicts healthily tend to develop secure attachment styles and carry those lessons into adulthood. According to one study, when your kids grow up seeing what loving behavior in the home looks like, they carry that with them into their other relationships, so go ahead and steal that kiss in the kitchen.
The YourTango Experts team includes licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and more professionals committed to offering you the tools and guidance for a happier and more rewarding life.
