11 Ways Smart Women End Up 'Parenting' Lazy Husbands In Their Marriage
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Many women end up exhausted and disconnected in marriages because they bear both the brunt of household responsibilities and emotional labor with male partners. According to psychotherapist Ben Yalom, a lot of the causes of these unbalanced relationships come from male stereotypes, traditional parenting styles, and stigmas around "masculinity" that push men to be avoidant, rigid, and emotionally cold.
Despite working and earning the same, if not more than, their male partners, as a study from Pew Research Center explains, they take on "traditionally" acceptable roles, often at the expense of their own personal well-being and rest. It's just one of the unsuspecting ways smart women end up "parenting" lazy husbands in their marriage. They clean up after them, beg for the bare minimum, and exist in unbalanced relationship dynamics, where they feel more like a "parent" than a partner.
Here are 11 ways smart women end up 'parenting' lazy husband in their marriage
1. They have to beg for emotional vulnerability
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Women often prioritize and need emotional intimacy in their marriages before anything else. Despite that, lazy husbands only seem to put their own needs first, which often revolve around physical affection and attention above what their partner desires and needs.
They end up begging for the bare minimum from these husbands, much like a mother would make compromises and argue with her own children when they refuse to do chores or homework.
2. They clean and pick up after him
Smart women in these kinds of unbalanced relationships are forced to learn and practice how to balance their time, carve out space for responsibilities in their career and at home, and manage everything without complaint. However, their husbands have only mastered the skill of weaponizing their own incompetence.
These men pressure their wives into doing chores and labor they find annoying, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. They clean and pick up after him all the time, despite having all the same responsibilities, if not more, on her own plate.
3. They manage all his appointments
Women often take on the unfair burden of "invisible" labor in their relationships, like managing responsibilities, planning, and organizing household tasks, despite working the same as their male partners, according to a study from the University of Wisconsin. From being in charge of logistics to remembering birthdays, they're in charge.
If you've ever asked a busy mother in an unbalanced marriage what she wants to do to celebrate her birthday, you've seen the strain of this "invisible labor" in action. They almost always want to stay home or "do nothing," because they know they'll end up being tasked with making reservations, sending out invites, and planning the entire thing.
4. They anticipate problems before they arise
Much like parents of children, women parenting lazy husbands often feel the emotional burden of planning for the future, expecting the worst and anticipating problems before they arise. They feel like they're leading without support and managing a relationship with someone incapable of doing it for themselves.
While it often takes tolerating discomfort, men in these relationships have the time, effort, and space to grow. They aren't entirely incompetent or ignorant of what they're making their wives do. They just don't care enough to put their own comfort at risk to support or help their wives.
5. They never ask for help to avoid arguments
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In a relationship where their husband's comfort always seems to come first, women may try to avoid his defensive and combative nature by never asking for help or expecting him to do the bare minimum. They'd rather protect their energy by doing it all without support than wasting their breath with unproductive arguments that only put more emotional labor on their plates.
Especially if these women are also leaning into the "traditional" gender roles their husbands are using to form their misguided masculine identities, psychotherapist Tonya Lester argues they might feel discouraged from asking for help. They don't want to be labeled as "too needy" or "weak" for not being able to handle the responsibilities they've been given, so they completely avoid asking for help.
6. They feel pressured to apologize for him
When a husband hurts someone's feelings or speaks ignorantly, it's often their smart wives who feel like "parents," cleaning up the messes and apologizing for him. It's not just household messes and chores that they're responsible for in these marriages, but emotional chaos that comes from letting their husbands interact and argue without any boundaries or self-awareness.
While mutual self-awareness boosts health in relationships, according to psychologist Mark Travers, these smart women are often forced to bear the burden of leveraging their own to make up for their husband's ignorance.
7. They have to celebrate themselves
Despite constantly being pressured to offer praise to their lazy husbands for doing the bare minimum, the tasks and obligations they usually take on without acknowledgement, these smart wives have to celebrate themselves. From big wins at work and promotions in their careers to small wins that an attentive husband would acknowledge, wives who act like parents in their marriages have to show up for themselves.
In a healthy relationship, partners don't have to worry that they're competing with their spouses or hiding wins to protect their ego. They're celebrated and bonded with their partners by sharing these wins together, without having to beg for or worry about bringing up these accomplishments.
8. They make excuses for his behavior
When her husband shows up consistently late or reveals his mistreatment of her in public settings, smart wives end up parenting their lazy husband by making excuses for his behavior. They'd prefer to brush it off and pretend like "everything is okay" to avoid addressing the inevitability of conflict or separation.
A study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues that disengagement is the "point of no return" in a marriage. While these wives can cope with and delay the inevitable by justifying their husbands' lack of effort and involvement, at some point, they'll be completely unable and unwilling to keep bearing this heavy burden.
9. They feel guilty giving him tasks
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Women who parent their husbands by taking over their responsibilities, making excuses, and taking on the burden of most household labor often battle a level of guilt in delegation. She doesn't want to give her partner tasks because she knows she'll end up having to do it again or dealing with the chronic complaints that come from him.
If she's already going to have to manage the labor, she struggles to justify delegating to avoid more complaints, negativity, and arguments.
10. They cling to romantic gestures and physical affection
While men tend to prioritize attraction and physicality in their long-term relationships, according to a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, women still need some level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability to feel safe and secure. While these wives may get an important level of physical intimacy and attention from their partners, without the emotional component they end up exhausted and isolated to some extent.
Smart women try to cope with the lack of emotional intimacy by leaning into friendships and family relationships, but without vulnerability from lazy husbands, who prefer to focus on their own comfort and priorities, they're left without a crucial part of romance.
11. They take on the 'primary parent' role to kids
On top of "parenting" their husbands into action, commitment, and presence, mothers in marriages with men also tend to take on the burden of childcare with their own kids. They fully take on the responsibility of parenting, while their lazy partners feel more like "babysitters" or "part-time fathers."
From planning appointments to helping with homework, managing transportation to events, and even tracking their celebrations and birthdays, taking on the "primary parent" role is one of the many ways women parent both their kids and their lazy husbands.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
