People With High Self-Worth Follow These 10 Rules To Avoid One-Sided Relationships, According To Psychology
People who truly value themselves don't beg for love or settle for less.
Ricardo Augusto | Canva Chemistry: This usually refers to physical attraction, but can include intellectual attraction as well. It is about how interesting and stimulating you find the person. Do you enjoy each other’s touch, and is there chemistry?
It’s essential because, without it, you are little more than friends. Clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a center for therapy and research, Mira Kirshenbaum writes: “But you can’t say you have good chemistry unless you can say 'I feel there’s real affection here.”
Compatibility: It is about sharing common values and goals, having fun together, and liking each other. It helps to sustain a couple through tough times. However, both chemistry and compatibility are essential to a long-lasting, healthy intimate relationship.
If you find yourself attracted to partners that you don’t have both chemistry and compatibility with, you may be inclined to have one-sided, co-dependent, or unhealthy relationships. Perhaps you grew up in a family where you were a caretaker or focused more on making others happy. Maybe you even felt that you had to be in a good mood regardless of your true feelings.
According to the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, Dr. Harville Hendricks, Ph.D., we are attracted to romantic partners who fill a void from our childhood. Perhaps repeating the past is our way of gaining mastery over unfinished business or looking for closure with the parent who wounded us. In Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Hendrix explains that selecting toxic partners may have a lot to do with your unconscious image of your ideal mate based on experiences with caretakers who strongly influenced you at an early age. And, it starts the day you are born.
People with high self-worth follow these rules to avoid one-sided relationships:
1. Get comfortable with being alone
Many people settle for relationships that are wrong for them because they fear being single. Women are especially likely to feel stigma when they are not part of a couple.
2. Consider your deal breakers
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Make a list of at least ten characteristics that are essential to you in a partner, such as being thoughtful or responsible. Select a few of these that are essential to your well-being and don’t compromise on those. For example, a partner who is trustworthy or who is there for you when you have a tough day.
A 2023 study concluded that individuals with high self-worth or self-esteem tend to be more discerning in their choice of partner and have more pronounced dealbreakers. This means they are less likely to settle for relationships that don't meet their standards and are more confident in their ability to find a suitable partner. They may also be more likely to identify and reject partners who exhibit traits considered dealbreakers.
3. Don’t settle for less than you deserve
When you compromise too many of the values that are important to you, these relationships usually fail. Focus on your deal breakers and pick a partner who is someone you can share a life with and deepen your love with over time.
4. Seek a partner who lets you be vulnerable
In other words, you can be yourself and don’t have to walk on eggshells. You feel safe in the relationship and free to express your thoughts, feelings, and desires openly without fear of rejection.
Research consistently demonstrates that vulnerability is key to building emotional intimacy and trust in relationships. When people feel safe and comfortable sharing their true selves, including their vulnerabilities, with a partner, they are more likely to form more profound and meaningful connections.
5. Set an expectation of mutual respect
You can accept, admire, and respect each other for who you are. If you don’t have respect for your partner, it will eat away at chemistry until you have nothing left.
A partner who truly cares about you is a boost to your self-esteem. He or she values you gives you compliments, and encourages you to do things that are in your best interest.
6. Notice if your partner is trustworthy
Are they someone whom you can depend upon because they demonstrate consistency between their words and actions? When someone is interested in you, they’ll keep their agreement.
7. Make sure your love interest makes time for you regularly
That he/she make you a priority because they value your relationship. This includes regular text messages or phone calls to show that they’re thinking of you.
8. Select a partner who includes you in his/her inner circle
If something special is going on in his/her life, they invite you and encourage you to come. A partner who includes you in their inner circle can be a sign that they value your presence and consider you an essential part of their life.
A 2012 study found this can be particularly important for individuals with high self-esteem, who may be drawn to partners with similar social integration and validation levels.
9. Pick a partner with whom you have both chemistry and compatibility
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Even if you meet someone who is not a heart-throb, be patient and see if your attraction grows over time. Look for qualities such as compassion, generosity, and consideration because these are characteristics that describe someone who is a dynamite long-term partner.
10. Select a partner who talks about your future together
If he or she says, “I’m not ready for a commitment,” take him or her seriously — they’re just not that into you. Don’t waste your time on a relationship that doesn’t have a future.
Letting go of toxic relationships is never easy. Yet with self-awareness and tools, you can begin to value yourself enough to set better boundaries with your partner. It is possible to end a relationship that is self-defeating, abusive, or self-destructive and to thrive on your own or in a healthy partnership.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.
