7 Subtle Ways To Build A Love That Originates Deep Within The Soul, According To A Therapist
Commit to getting closer to your partner every day.
artawkrn | Pexels In a long-term relationship, the initial passion of romance wanes over time. That's why the best relationships, the ones that last and stay happy, originate from deep within each person's soul. They may start fast and fiery, but the foundation of these relationships is a slow build, growing based on emotional intimacy and commitment.
Healthy relationships and building emotional intimacy take work. If you ignore your relationship, it grows stale and unsatisfying. In the healthiest and most satisfying relationships, both people work to improve themselves and be there for their chosen partner. A healthy relationship requires continual emotional growth.
Here are seven ways to build a love that originates deep within the soul:
1. Get to know yourself, good and bad
The more you understand and know about yourself, the more you share with your partner. How many times have you been asked what you are feeling, and your response has been, "I don't know?" It may be true you don't know, but it could be helpful to be curious about what you are feeling.
Slow down your talking and ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" Then share your feelings. Stay away from pointing out what they are doing wrong.
In our culture, anger is a "catch-all" emotion. Get to know your deeper emotions. Name the emotions that are driving the anger. Maybe it is disappointment, betrayal, rejection, or loneliness.
You can then say, "I feel [emotion] when you [insert a behavior]. It would work better for me if you [provide a solution]." And add: "What do you think?" or "Do you have any ideas that might help?"
2. Work on your vulnerability
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By sharing your feelings, you expose a piece of the inner you. This can feel risky or vulnerable. When you expose who you are, you risk rejection, judgment, shame, and other uncomfortable feelings. These feelings are normal. Everyone feels them. They help you have empathy for others when they share their vulnerabilities with you.
When both people are careful with each other's vulnerabilities, a sense of safety and trust is built into your relationship, because vulnerability deepens emotional intimacy.
3. Be trustworthy
Develop your trustworthiness by only agreeing to do what you are willing to do and following through by actually doing it. If you agree to mow the lawn, then mow the lawn. If you know you can't do something, then say "No."
People will trust your word if they know you follow through and do what you say you will do. A 2017 study in Personal Relationships demonstrated how trust is a mediator between insecure romantic attachment and relationship satisfaction, and attachment avoidance, as well as attachment anxiety, can lower trust and relationship satisfaction.
4. Center your actions in respect
Always treat others as you want to be treated. Learn to value your partner's ideas and perceptions. You don't have to change their mind to make them agree with you, just know it's OK to disagree sometimes.
The Gottman Institute recommended, "to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship [by] regularly expressing appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings."
5. Put 'we' before 'me' in all healthy ways
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Couples who protect their relationship above their desires do better and are more satisfied than those who are "me-focused." Focusing on getting your needs met sets you up to be disappointed with your partner.
If your goal is to have a happy partner, you should focus on making sure their needs are met. When your partner's emotional needs are met, they are more open and interested in meeting your needs. Now you have a positive feedback cycle instead of a deprivation cycle.
Of course, that doesn't mean you disappear into your partner's wants and needs. Enmeshment does not make for a healthy relationship, and allowing yourself to be swallowed up by another person's needs is not putting your relationship first.
A healthy "we" allows both people to thrive and have their needs met.
6. Enjoy serving your partner's needs
As both of your needs get met, you feel good about yourself and your partner. As both people benefit from the relationship, your emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy needs are met better than ever.
According to Dr. Gottman, partners who have successful long-term marriages can turn towards each other’s emotional bids for connection around 86 percent of the time.
7. Be a safe person for your spartner
Create a safety zone for your partner free from verbal or physical assaults. The better you treat your partner, the better you will be treated.
This means stopping all put-downs and blaming. Own your mistakes and apologize. After all, how you treat your partner ultimately affects your safety and stability too.
If you take time to cultivate emotional intimacy through the above list, you'll connect better on all levels. If you and your spouse feel emotionally connected, you both feel better about yourselves and each other.
Talk about your needs and desires and follow through with actions that please your partner. Be curious about when you get off-base with each other, and find a way to connect emotionally.
As you meet each other's needs, emotional intimacy grows.
Teresa Maples-Zuvela, CMAT, CSAT, LMHC, MS, is a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in working with women who have experienced betrayal in intimate relationships.
