People Who Score High On These 8 Traits Are The Least Likely To Hurt You Emotionally
If you don't know who to trust, look for these traits.
Allison Shaw | Unsplash When we're first dating someone new, we don't necessarily stop and take note of the personality traits they're showing us, even though they're readily showing us characteristics that may as well be neon signs indicating whether or not anyone should trust them to be honest in a long-term, romantic relationship. Men and women alike tend to feel vulnerable in relationships because we're trusting someone not to break our hearts.
When we're able to feel confident in our ability to trust that “our person" won't hurt us emotionally, it lessens the extent of that vulnerability, making us feel more like partners in the world. Some people are naturally trusting of others and seem to function well within most life situations, but this obviously isn't the case for everyone.
Many people struggle with trust issues because they've been burned in the past and can't help but want to guard themselves from possible betrayals by others. Personally, I tend to trust someone until they've given me a reason not to, but there are definitely some specific personality traits I look for as signs of someone’s level of trustworthiness. So, in a sense, I trust ... with my eyes and ears completely open.
People who score high on these 8 traits are the least likely to hurt you emotionally:
1. Reliability
Migma__Agency / Shutterstock
This means that what they say matches their behavior, and they do what they say they will do. If, for some reason, they are unable to do so, they will let you know. Sometimes, people will say things because it is the easier way to go. They're either afraid to say “no” for some reason, or they don't give their answers much thought.
Sometimes, people are afraid to disappoint someone, so they just say “yes,” even though they have no intention of following through. And sometimes, people don’t value their commitments or see them as worthy of their having to bother remembering them.
In a relationship, you need to be able to rely on your partner to feel valued by them. Research on trust in close relationships identifies reliability as the belief that the partner can be counted on to be honest and compassionate. Individuals come to trust their partners when they perceive that their partners have enacted pro-relationship behaviors, departing from their direct self-interest for the good of the relationship.
2. Dependability
simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock
As you get to know someone, you often unconsciously build a context by which to know who that person is by taking note of how they behave and what they say around others. Someone who is seen by others as trustworthy probably is, unless they are a very good sociopath. If you see someone who is often called on for help or support by his friends, they probably see him as trustworthy and believe they can count on him.
Research on how trust is cultivated identifies dependability as consistently following through on commitments and meeting expectations. At the beginning of interpersonal relationships, predictability is particularly important for the development of trust, followed by dependability, and later these phases culminate in a general belief in the reliance of the target, similar to faith.
3. Confidence
Dmytro Sheremeta / Shutterstock
Watch when people are talking to others and notice whether they make strong eye contact with their listener, or whether they often look down or away. Of course, sometimes people struggle to make confident, consistent eye contact for reasons other than being untrustworthy.
For example, shy people may struggle to maintain steady eye contact when talking to someone. But, for the most part, trustworthy people can look you straight in the eye when speaking, and in regard to relationships, eye contact, which is also about being transparent, is necessary for building intimacy and trust in one another.
Mutual gaze is a critical component of intimacy and trust in interpersonal communication because it conveys attentiveness and sincerity. Eye contact evokes positive feelings of trust and a deeper connection, and participants with higher self-esteem were found to break eye contact less frequently, whereas those with lower self-esteem broke eye contact more often, researchers have found.
4. Demonstrative
maxbelchenko / Shutterstock
Here again, there may be exceptions, i.e., if someone struggles with social anxiety, they may not fit this bill, but, for the most part, you want to see open body language in someone's movements as they speak. People who hold their arms tightly across their bodies or stuff their hands in their pockets may be avoiding something.
You want to be able to have open relationships, and you need to feel emotionally safe to do so. Trustworthy people are often those who can be emotionally open in relationships, or at least, they are people who want to learn how they can be that way.
Consistent eye contact, open body posture, and congruent facial expressions are often associated with higher levels of trust, while closed posture or incongruent signals can lead to doubt or suspicion. A 2017 study synthesized the major theories in relationship science into 14 principles and noted the pivotal role that mutual openness between partners played in creating healthy relationships.
5. Directness
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
What they say is clear and makes sense. They don’t seem to dodge questions or avoid answering when you ask them something. If they don’t know the answer, they will say so in a straightforward manner. Trustworthy people don’t abruptly change the subject to avoid answering you.
In relationships, you need to be able to communicate and navigate through rough waters at times. Again, this is also how you build trust in one another. Couples often need to talk things out in order to be able to reconnect emotionally, which makes clear and direct communication a must.
Research from renowned American psychologist John Gottman identifies honesty as the first of five criteria to determine trustworthiness. He explains that honesty allows couples to build trust by fostering an environment for partners to express their needs and be their whole selves with their partners.
6. Consistency
MAYA LAB / Shutterstock
Trustworthy people consistently tell the same story when offering explanations or talking to a variety of people about life events. Their stories don't change, and their explanations don’t change depending on the conversation or the audience.
Watch for consistency over time. A 2023 study found that consistency in behavior is one of the critical environmental factors that contribute to trust relationships, along with acceptance of responsibility, confidentiality, and integrity.
If they have made a mistake and are trying to explain what happened, their information needs to remain consistent if you are to be expected to believe them. In a relationship, you want to be able to rely on your person. When the information you're given is consistent over time, it helps you to believe that they are being truthful.
7. Honesty
Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock
If they make a mistake, they admit it. They come forward to confess or explain. They don’t avoid telling someone something that might put them in a “bad light.” Trustworthy people’s actions are honest and come from good intentions.
In order to build trust in your partner, you need to be straight with each other. Direct communication is productive, whereas indirect or dishonest communication erodes trust, often irreparably.
A recent study found that greater expressed and perceived honesty predicted greater well-being, relationship satisfaction, and partner motivation to change. This indicates that honesty can benefit relationships even when the truth may hurt.
8. Ethical
PeopleImages / Shutterstock
Trustworthy people will be kind to others and will treat them well. They won’t malign other people. They won’t talk behind someone’s back in negative ways or spread negative rumors about someone. They will honor someone’s confidential information unless they are told they may share it, especially if it is of a private or negative nature.
In a partner, you want someone who practices healthy, ethical behavior consistently over time. This adds trust and lessens vulnerability, and is part of what makes us feel emotionally safe and cared for in relationships.
Researcher Brené Brown defines integrity as one of the core components of trust in her BRAVING acronym (Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgment, and Generosity). Trustworthiness is a key element of moral character, and those who behave with integrity are more likely to earn the trust of others, which is often the cornerstone of a strong first impression.
Trustworthy people are recognizable if you keep your eyes and ears open and watch over time. You will see them consistently demonstrate the positive personality traits listed above.
Of course, none of us is perfect. Trustworthy people can mess up, just like anyone else. But what is different about their mistakes is that their intentions and efforts will always be pure, and they will honestly work through their mistake and do what they need to in order to make it right.
Relationships are challenging enough without getting involved with someone who rarely comes through for you. You want to feel important to the other person, and trustworthy people can be counted on to do so, which is gold when it comes to relationships.
Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT, is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online in the South Bay of the Los Angeles area for over 20 years. Susan is passionate about helping couples and families learn healthy communication skills.
