If A Man Uses These 11 Phrases On A Regular Basis, He's Likely Not As 'Nice' As He Wants You To Think
Mangostar | Shutterstock You can tell a lot about someone's character by the way they talk to others. Whether it's in their relationships, at work with colleagues, or even family members, when a man, in particular, is pretending to be a nice person, his language can often give him away. Some men try to hide their real selves, but the truth tends to slip out. Because if a man uses these specific phrases on a regular basis, he's likely not as "nice" as he wants you to think.
Some men will say one thing when they mean something else entirely, or they'll shield their personalities until you get closer, then let the veil drop to reveal who they really are. Unfortunately, while being your authentic self is essential to mental health, self-esteem, and fostering better relationships, there are some men who don't quite feel the same.
If a man uses these 11 phrases on a regular basis, he's likely not as 'nice' as he wants you to think
1. 'I'm just joking'
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After a man does something purposefully cruel, with his intention to hurt your feelings, he will use this phrase as a way to protect himself from admitting that he did something wrong. He might insult your appearance or make fun of something you care about, but when you call him on it, he says that he's only kidding.
While shared laughter in relationships is an indicator of closeness between partners, as well as relationship satisfaction, the phrase "I'm just joking" just belittles a person's feelings and makes them doubt themselves for feeling hurt. It's a subtle and very common form of gaslighting, and if a man says this often, he's probably not as nice as he wants you to think.
2. 'Don't worry about it'
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Whether it's "don't worry about it" or "never mind," if a man uses these phrases on a regular basis, he's likely not as "nice" as he wants you to think. That's because when he says this, he's brushing his partner or loved one off, making them feel like they're wrong for having a strong reaction to whatever issue is at hand.
A man who tells a person not to worry about something they've said is trying to downplay a situation in their favor. It's a sign they won't hold space for other people's feelings. On the other hand, a genuinely nice man would take the time to work through the problem together, whereas a fake "nice" guy will repeatedly ignore their partner's concerns and push their emotions aside.
3. 'It's a guy thing'
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When a man tells a woman, in particular, that something is "a guy thing," it's a not-so-subtle expression of misogyny. It's akin to telling a woman that their delicate, simple lady brain couldn't possibly understand, which shows just how little they actually respect you.
As psychologist Dr. Alicia H. Clark explained, "Misogynistic attitudes disregard women and can sometimes be tough to spot quickly." She also noted, "To the misogynist, women are not whole, soul-centered individuals," which is why they disregard women and discard them when there's any level of emotional friction.
Usually, men will say something is "a guy thing" when they want to exclude women or excuse their own bad behavior, which is a clear indication that they're not actually as nice as they want you to believe.
4. 'You're so needy'
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This phrase is often said as a way to invalidate women, yes, but it can apply to others as well. In a relationship, a man who tells you that you're needy is trying to make you feel bad for having emotional or practical needs, when really, everyone has needs. It's an essential part of what makes us human.
According to clinical psychologist Craig Malkin, the concept of neediness is rooted in someone's fear that their desire to be connected with another person won't be met. Malkin noted that connectedness and neediness are "part of the same scale" of dependency, yet neediness is "the unhealthy version of our craving for contact, marked more by helplessness, fear, and passivity than any clear emotional request."
If you tell a man what makes you feel secure in a relationship and his response is that you're needy, that's his way of letting you know that he doesn't care enough about you to meet your needs, and that he's not a very nice person.
5. 'You're overreacting'
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Telling a woman that she's overreacting is connected to telling her that she's too needy. This phrase is not only rude and condescending, it's also designed to make you feel insecure about having an emotional reaction to whatever's going on around you.
Instead of validating your feelings and acknowledging that it's okay to respond to a situation with strong emotions, "you're overreacting" is a way to cut you down and shut you up. No one wants to feel like their emotions are out of control, yet when a man tells you that you're overreacting, he's sewing seeds of doubt and fear that you're just "too much."
A man who's a nice person puts in the work to emotionally validate you, even when he's uncomfortable with the intensity of your emotions. He aims to make you feel seen, held, and heard, instead of minimizing how you feel.
6. 'It's your fault'
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When men tell women that things are all their fault, it reveals their inability to hold themselves accountable for any mistake they may have made. "It's your fault" is an example of blame-shifting, which ignores their role in a conflict and highlights how fragile their ego is.
Psychologists classify blaming as a defense mechanism that's connected to emotional projection, which can be defined as denying one's own negative characteristics and seeing those traits in others. "Specifically, it may be a defense mechanism aimed at protecting the blame-shifter's fragile ego from being overwhelmed with negative emotions such as guilt and shame. Simply put, the finger-pointing comes from a place of high vulnerability," psychologist Arash Emamzadeh explained.
A blame-shifting man is showing you just how low his emotional intelligence is, as people who blame others have poor emotional regulation skills. This in itself doesn't make a man mean, but if you call attention to his behavior and he doesn't try to change, he's not willing to make an effort for you.
7. 'It's fine'
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Whether it's saying "it's fine" or "sounds good," if a man uses these phrases on a regular basis, he's likely not as 'nice' as he wants you to think. That's because saying that a situation is fine when they're actually hurt or upset is a classic example of a man who isn't very in-tune with his emotions.
Instead of opening up and being honest about how he feels, a man who says that everything's fine, even when it isn't, is pushing his own feelings down and pushing you away at the same time. It's an indirect, passive-aggressive way of saying that he doesn't want to talk about something, or that he needs more time to process his emotions. Yet by not being clear about his intentions or inner self, he's avoiding any show of vulnerability, which is what brings couples closer.
Repeatedly using the phrase "it's fine" is often a sign that a man has low emotional intelligence and doesn't want to foster a deeper connection with you. Now, this phrase alone doesn't mean that a man isn't nice, but if he refuses to let you in or talk about his true feelings, it's an indication that he's not the right man for you.
8. 'My ex is crazy'
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A man who bad-mouths his ex is the kind of man who isn't actually as nice as he wants you to think. Saying that someone is "crazy" is a pejorative way of speaking about someone, and it disregards the validity of having mental health struggles.
"It's a warning sign when someone calls their ex 'crazy.' In some relationships, one partner ends up acting 'crazy' because, as a pattern, they have been lied to, controlled, cheated on, or manipulated. Such experiences can cause so much distress and anxiety that the individual becomes overly emotional, stuck in a fight-or-flight response given their intuition that the relationship isn’t emotionally safe. In many cases, it can be the one calling the other 'crazy' who is actually fairly disordered," licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers explained.
A man who says their ex-girlfriend is crazy usually denies their own culpability in conflict or any problematic behavior of their own. Calling someone crazy is never nice, and saying that about a person they once cared about indicates how little respect a man actually has for women.
9. 'Are you really wearing that?'
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Questioning what you're wearing is an outright indication that a man wants to control you and how you present yourself to the world. What you wear is no one's business but your own, and just because your boyfriend or partner doesn't like the outfit you chose, it doesn't mean he has any right to comment on it.
While fake nice men will want to control the situation, down to your wardrobe, a genuinely nice man accepts you for who you are. They respect your expressions of authenticity, and they don't try to change you or make you second-guess what you're wearing to fit their idea of what they want.
10. 'I'm a nice guy'
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If a man uses the phrase "I'm a nice guy" on a regular basis, he's likely not as "nice" as he wants you to think. Not only do truly nice people not announce to the world that they act this way, but he's likely saying this as a way to protect himself from his actually awful personality.
This phrase is a glaring red flag that signals a man isn't actually a nice person. If he describes himself as "a nice guy," he's usually overcompensating for what's missing, which is an actual sense of kindness and compassion. Truly nice men don't need to tell you that they're nice guys, while someone who's low-key not a good person will pretend otherwise.
11. 'Oh, here we go'
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Often used as a phrase during arguments with a partner, men who say "Oh, here we go again" their partners are already proving that they don't care about their partner's feelings. It may be said in the context of bringing up past arguments, but the intention is the same: to make it known that their reaction isn't valid.
According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, relationship conflict among partners can actually deteriorate not only their personal happiness, but the well-being of their partnership. For genuinely nice men, they make it a point to openly listen to how their partner feels, even if it's a disagreement they've had over and over again.
Rather than reacting with frustration and annoyance, as a fake nice man does, truly nice guys lead with understanding and compassion.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
