If A Man Does These 11 Things On A Regular Basis, He's Stubborn And Unlikely To Change
It's a glaring indication that you're in a one-sided marriage.
PerfectWave | Shutterstock Many women are taught from a young age that marriage is something they should aspire to, and that finding the man of your dreams is all rainbows and butterflies with just a few dark moments in between. Unfortunately, it's just not true. Sometimes you work hard to create a beautiful relationship with a man who does things that bother or upset you and he is simply too stubborn to change. If that's the case, you should probably face reality.
Being in an unhappy relationship, especially with a stubborn man, is hard for anyone. It may lead to the difficult decision to leave your relationship, and it's likely justified. Before you decide, however, remember that long-term relationships are hard work and it may be worth asking him to do better. He may not change immediately, but as long as he's doing the work it might be worth it. If, however he keeps stubbornly doing these things, it's unlikely that he'll change.
If a man does these 11 things on a regular basis, he's stubborn and unlikely to change
1. He shuts down serious conversations
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Men who can't fully open up emotionally to their wives may have never learned the skill of communnicating about their emotions. After all, our society doesn't exactly encourage men to share their deepest hopes and fears!
However, some men shut down serious conversations out of stubbornness, which can be a form of control. They'll avoid serious conversations or brush them off, claiming it's not a big deal. But according to the Gottman Institute, stonewalling is one of the four factors that predict divorce.
But this seemingly innocent action has drastic consequences when done on a regular basis, especially if no effort is made by the man to handle conversations differently. If wives have tried everything to get their husbands to open up and nothing has changed, it's a major indicator that he's stubborn and unlikely to change.
2. He refuses to compromise
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If you're married to a stubborn man, he likely also refuses to compromise. Whether it's watching television or eating dinner, if it's even slightly important to him, he won't share or adjust his needs to accommodate yours. This is usually because he doesn't want to experience any discomfort, but it could also be rooted in fear that once he starts compromising, he will lose all power. This is not a healthy outlook, and requires him to do some serious emotional work to recover from.
A stubborn man may get upset or angry if things don't go his way. In his mind, he deserves everything he wants out of life, even if it's at the expense of your happiness. According to clinical psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D., people who have egotistical pride must learn to take responsibility if they want their relationship to flourish.
Unfortunately, stubborn people may feel as if their egos are threatened, leaving their partners with a to make a difficult decision about whether to stay in the relationship or leave. If he's not working hard to change, it's unlikely he'll stop.
3. He plays the blame game
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Refusing to take accountability for their actions, stubborn men may blame their wives for them acting a certain way. If you have a husband like this, it's likely he blames others for his own actions as well. Not only does it limit his growth potential, it also causes irreversible damage to the person they're supposed to love.
Unfortunately, most stubborn men won't change their behavior. First, they are like any other human and often behave poorly due to experiences in their childhood. As famed couples therapist Terrence Real calls it, the Adaptive Child is the part of any adult who picked up bad habits in order to feel safe in childhood. Fortunately, the Wise Adult counterpart of the Adaptive Child can step in and guide people toward better relationships.
Sadly, many men have been conditioned to reject therapy or even joining men's support groups to try to heal their past wounds. As experts and research indicate, they're taught, often through generational trauma, that showing any weakness is dangerous, and asking for support in order to change something like persistent stubbornness and blame requires some degree of vulnerability.
With all of this in mind, it's unsurprising that there are some men who will never take accountability because of this innate fear. In situations like this, women must decide whether to stay and tolerate the behavior, or leave.
4. He keeps moving the goalposts
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While it may sound like a football term, "moving the goalposts" is a term for a style of arguing where the aggressor makes it near-impossible for the other person to make their point. As Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it, "to change the rules or requirements in a way that makes success more difficult."
When both partners sit down to have a discussion, changing certain rules to only apply to one person for their own benefit is a sign that they are arguing to win rather than to solve a problem or communicate. If a man does this on a regular basis, it can erode trust in your relationship. After all, moving the goalposts is often a manipulation tactic.
Moving the goalposts also prevents problems from being resolved, leaving the other person feeling not just lonely but even "crazy". This can lead them to panic, cry or yell, which can also shut down conversation. Eventually, the other person may completely stop arguing or even trying to communicate out of fear and mistrust.
If a man moves the goalposts on a regular basis, he's probably stubborn and unlikely to change, and his partner should probably recognize this reality in order to figure out what to do next.
5. He's extremely defensive
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When a person gets defensive, they are unable to admit they are wrong or take any responsibility. One of the signs a man is stubborn and unlikely to change is a tendency to become upset or angry when questioned or caught in a lie. They may even react defensively to minor statements that aren't intended to be insults or accusations in the first place.
The unfortunate reality is that being unable to admit to one's wrongdoings can have drastic consequences on a marriage, raising tensions and building resentment. Experts insist that accountability is one of the most important components of healthy relationships, and that true trust cannot be built without both partners taking responsibility for their own behaviors.
In addition to all of this, The Gottman Institute has determined that defensiveness can be one of the most destructive forces, eroding relationships from the inside out. So if a man you love is defensive on a regular basis, he's probably stubborn and without him seeking support and help, he's unlikely to change.
6. He breaks his promises
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A stubborn man who is unlikely to change may frequently break his promises. Whether he's giving his word to plan a night out, pay the bills, or be there emotionally, trust is built when people follow through and honor our word. As his partner, he may promise you the world, often with the intention of not following through. When the plans fall through you may feel unloved, unimportant and grow resentful.
You may question the relationship and struggle with how to move forward. Should you let it go and try to make the marriage work, or should you leave so you're no longer let down on a constant basis? You might feel the need to cling to the relationship, hoping it will work, but fail to understand that a person cannot change unless they, themselves, do so.
Again, making promises he cannot or will not keep may be a vestige from a childhood where he was frequently let down, or maybe one where he felt he needed to be perfect. It may be part of his attachment style or simply part of the manipulative tactic of "future faking".
These explanations are not an excuse for his behavior, though. It means he needs to dig in and do the hard work to figure out why he breaks promises, and possibly why he makes promises he cannot or won't keep. That may require working with a therapist or finding other support. If a man breaks promises on a regular basis and refuses to do the hard work to change, he's simply stubborn and unlikely to change.
7. He doubles down when backed into a corner
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When confronted, stubborn men often don't like to admit they are wrong. Instead, they may claim that you, their wife, is overreacting to avoid taking accountability. But acting in this way doesn't just hurt you; rather, it deprives him of growth as well.
According to Jamie Cannon MS, LPC, taking accountability helps people learn new skills and develop deeper connections: "We have seen the influence of one person refusing to move, one person sharing their dream, or one person never giving up. Reversing the tide of self-serving pleasure-seeking can be as simple as acknowledging we are all broken in some way. Being able to say 'it was me,' reaching out to those we have knowingly hurt, and accepting that what makes us different is the glue that holds us together and can reduce some of the chaos."
By avoiding accountability for his actions, he's doing you and your marriage a disservice. And it's further proof that he will never change his ways. Worse, doubling down often leads to shouting, unkind words and other aggressive behaviors that will erode a relationship even further.
8. He doesn't take your concerns seriously
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If you're with a stubborn man who seems unlikely to change, he likely doesn't take your needs and concerns seriously, often brushing them aside or even showing contempt for them. Whether it's talking to him about the bills, your children, or even that you're not feeling well, he doesn't care to double-check if you're okay or if your concerns are valid. In his eyes, your worries don't matter.
The fallout from this behavior is rooted in two deep issues:
First, it can lead to you feeling rejected. You may feel like if he loved you, or if you were more lovable or smart (or any other adjective that describes the inadequacy that hits home for you), he would take you seriously. While this is not necessarily logical, it is a common emotional response to being dismissed, and it hurts!
Licensed psychologist Guy Winch, Ph.D. explains that feeling rejected can cause real, legitimate pain that cannot simply be wished away.
"One reason even small rejections sting is that our brain is wired to respond to rejection similarly to the way it responds to physical pain. Rejections from your partner have an even greater impact as they come from the person who knows you best, who sees you most fully (or is supposed to), and who is supposed to love you for who you truly are," Winch warns.
Second, the contempt that often goes along with ignoring or rejecting your concerns is one of the corrosive behaviors that ruins relationships. According to The Gottman Institute, contempt is one of the "four horsemen" that predicts divorce.
If the man you love is stubborn and seems unlikely to change and displays these behaviors, it's important that you take them seriously.
9. He doesn't take anyone's advice
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Whether it's about how to load the dishwasher efficiently, the importance of submitting his taxes on time or simple relationship skills, a stubborn man who is unlikely to change is not open to anyone's advice. In fact, it may make him agitated or irritable.
Unfortunately, approaching the situation is a bit complicated. Arguing or screaming at him won't make a difference, as he will grow comfortable in the unfair dynamic. If he is shown time and again that you will tolerate that behavior, he won't feel the need to change for the better. Instead, he might wave you off or outright say he doesn't care to listen to what you have to say.
During moments like these, you have the opportunity to seek help for yourself through a professional opinion, or to try to talk some sense into your stubborn boyfriend or husband yourself. Sometimes, when the advice is minor, like the dishwasher example, you need to learn to let it go. After all, unsolicited advice can be irritating and even hurtful. A therapist or trusted counselor (or even a very wise friend or family member) can help you determine what part is your need for control vs. his stubbornness.
Once you've done that work, it's important to make the best decision for yourself. Couples therapy is always an option, but it can be hard to make a stubborn man go.
10. He's resistant to new ideas
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Most men who are in committed relationships are open to their partner's ideas, as they understand that a healthy relationship works best when partners inspire each other and want the best for one another. These types of partners want the relationship to last and have no issues with trying something new, knowing it's good for them. After all, a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology reports that new experiences lead to greater happiness than materialistic purchases.
If a man is stubborn and refuses to be open-minded on a regular basis, he's cutting you off from forming a deeper connection. Whether you've been together for one year or 10, relationships should be constantly growing and deepening in order to keep up with the growth of the individuals.
11. He's not interested in personal growth
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Not feeling the need to try anymore, a stubborn man could grow accustomed to sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. He has no interest in expanding his knowledge, his interpersonal relationships, or even his skill set. It's infuriating, especially to you, who likely did your best to make sure you kept growing and becoming healthier.
If you have exhausted therapy, tried implementing goals, and tried the whole "holding yourself accountable" thing with little success, it might be best to move on. Otherwise, you'll just be wasting your time on a stubborn man who is content with staying the same and never evolving for the better.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
