If A Man Does These 11 Subtle Things, He Probably Isn't As Confident As He Seems
Edi Libedinsky | Shutterstock A man might talk a good game, but confidence isn't always what it looks like on the surface. Someone can appear self-assured, charming, and put-together while quietly struggling with self-doubt underneath it all. Confidence usually falls into two categories: believing you can handle situations as they arise, and trusting your own judgment and perceptions. When those beliefs are shaky, people often compensate in subtle ways without even realizing it.
Because confidence is widely seen as attractive, many men feel pressure to perform it, even when they don't genuinely feel it. That’s what makes false confidence hard to spot. Just because a man seems comfortable, assertive, or impressive doesn't mean he truly feels secure in who he is. If you pay attention to certain low-key behaviors, though, the cracks tend to show. Here are the subtle signs that a man probably isn't as confident as he seems.
If a man does these 11 subtle things, he probably isn't as confident as he seems:
1. He points out other people’s flaws
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Talking about other people’s flaws is a low-key sign that a man isn’t as confident as he seems. Being flawed is an unavoidable part of being human, but a man who isn’t actually confident struggles to accept his shortcomings. In his pursuit of perfection, he focuses on other people’s negative personality traits to avoid shining a spotlight on himself.
This is often due to projection, a defense mechanism people use to "defend the ego against uncomfortable personal characteristics that would cause anxiety if they recognized them consciously." A man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface might project how he really feels onto the people around him, doing things like commenting on how fake or insecure someone is in an attempt to distract from noticing his own insecurities.
2. He tries to control the conversation
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If a man tries to dominate conversations, it’s an indication that he’s less confident than he wants people to think. He acts overly assertive to make people think he’s more secure than he really is.
He might raise his voice and speak in a forceful tone, or he might commandeer the topic of conversation and make everything about him. A man who’s less confident than he seems will interrupt people, cutting them off mid-sentence to share what he thinks. He wants everyone to know how important and intelligent he is, even if he isn’t as smart as he pretends to be.
A truly confident man doesn’t need to be the loudest one in the room. He knows that listening is often more valuable than talking. His quiet confidence lends him an aura of mystery that draws other people to him. In contrast, a man who tries to control the flow of conversation usually isn’t as confident as he seems.
3. He avoids being emotionally vulnerable
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A man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface avoids being vulnerable because he worries that showing his sensitive side will make him seem weak. He has a hard time opening up, even to people he cares about. He changes the subject when someone asks him personal questions, because he’s scared of going deeper and sharing his true feelings.
Having a romantic relationship with a man who’s unable or unwilling to be vulnerable isn’t easy. You might feel like you don’t know him at all, even though you’re trying to peel back his self-protective layers. Vulnerability is the foundation of intimacy: In order to feel close, we need to let our guards down and invite other people in, no matter how scary it feels.
According to a phenomenon known as the Beautiful Mess Effect, while we think showing vulnerability will be taken as a sign of weakness, people actually view displays of vulnerability from others as a sign of strength. It’s deeply human to try to avoid being vulnerable, but when we don’t show our true selves to others, we miss out on so much. In many ways, vulnerability is a practice. Every time we open up and shed a layer of armor, being our messy, authentic selves gets easier. Being vulnerable is hard, but it’s also completely worth it.
4. He constantly jokes at his own expense
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A man’s sense of humor is a strong indicator of how he feels about himself. If he jokes about his flaws to make sure that other people don't do so first, this may be another defense mechanism. He may think that putting himself down means no one else can hurt him.
A self-deprecating sense of humor is often a sign that someone was teased during childhood, and it’s still affecting them now. Being teased when they were younger led them to internalize the mean-spirited things other people said about them. They joke about the aspects of their personality that they dislike in an effort to deflect people’s attention away from their insecurities.
These jokes give voice to his deepest fear: that he’s not worthy of being loved. While it takes work to rebuild feelings of worthiness, it’s an essential part of cultivating self-esteem.
5. He over-explains every decision he makes
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A man who over-explains the decisions he makes usually isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface. He reveals his lack of confidence by outlining his entire thought process, as though people might question his reasons or doubt his ability. He feels a deep need to justify his actions because he doesn’t fully trust himself.
Learning to trust your intuition requires slowing down and listening to your instincts, which isn’t particularly easy. We live in a fast-paced world, one where we can access entire universes of information with the swipe of a finger. Trusting your intuition takes practice.
There are actionable ways to strengthen that skill set, as a panel of YourTango experts points out. “Normally, we make decisions by constructing mental arguments,” they explain. “We compare and contrast, and we analyze. But, when it comes to instinct, it’s not about arguing, it’s about knowing… if you open yourself up to the experience, you realize that innate knowing has just as much (if not more value) as any other mental rhetoric you might construct.”
6. He gets defensive when offered advice
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A low-key sign that a man isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface is that his defenses go up whenever someone tries to give him advice. He feels so threatened by the idea that he might need to improve himself that he reacts in an aggressive or dismissive way, shutting down the people who offer him guidance.
He’s resistant to any form of self-reflection because he’s worried about what he might uncover about himself. He’s scared that if he accepts advice, people might see him as anything other than perfect. This kind of insecurity manifests itself as a lack of curiosity and a rigid mindset.
Why should he listen to what other people say? He doesn’t understand that self-improvement is a major part of life’s journey. We are always evolving, and to do so, we have to hear feedback and incorporate it into who we are.
7. He exaggerates his accomplishments
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A man who lacks confidence measures his self-worth according to external factors, like having a powerful job or driving a fancy car. He’s not satisfied with who he is at the core of his being, so he exaggerates his achievements to make himself appear important.
Despite talking himself up, a man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface doesn’t take on new challenges. He focuses on what he’s done well in the past, as his insecurity and fear of failure make him hesitant to push himself any further.
According to a research paper titled “Self-confidence and Personal Motivation,” a person who has confidence in their abilities tends to set ambitious goals and persist even in the face of adversity. The authors note that performance is determined by ability and effort, which means that having higher self-confidence “enhances the motivation to act.”
“When people expect to fail, they fail quite effectively, and failure leads to failure more readily for individuals characterized with low self-esteem,” they conclude.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with being your own hype man, but someone who constantly brags about his accomplishments is often hiding a lack of confidence behind the things he’s done.
8. He changes his personality depending on who he’s with
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A man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface shifts his personality depending on who he’s with. His need to be liked is so strong that he mirrors the people around him, changing the way he acts to suit them.
While it’s normal to present different parts of ourselves based on social settings, when a man completely changes his personality for others, it shows that he’s not secure enough in his own identity to just be himself.
Therapist James Brillon explains that being a social chameleon is often a self-protective measure. He notes that a shape-shifting personality “can also be a shell that you end up living within that protects anybody from noticing the real vulnerable self.”
“That true self for some people may be an aspect of themselves they’ve never actually met before,” he concludes.
9. His body language is closed off or tense
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The way someone holds themselves around other people says a lot about how confident they are. A truly confident man seems comfortable in his own body. He has a relaxed posture, letting his arms hang loosely at his sides, as opposed to crossing his arms over his chest or fidgeting. A man who isn’t as confident as he seems tends to slouch and often has trouble making eye contact. He gives off a nervous energy because he’s not totally sure of himself.
In a TEDx Talk, Richard Petty, Chair of the Department of Psychology at Ohio State University, revealed why confidence is such a sought-after trait. He outlined the differences between confidence and self-esteem, explaining that self-esteem is how much a person likes themselves, while confidence is how sure a person is of their own self-judgment.
“You can be highly confident or doubtful in both a good or bad assessment of yourself, and every other opinion that you have in life,” he said. He also noted that we tend to associate having confidence with having success, which is a main reason why people want to seem confident.
“Confidence comes from many places,” Petty explained. “If you practice a lot, of course, you’ll be more confident in a skill, but [confidence] can come from standing up straight or nodding your head, so you can momentarily make yourself more confident.”
10. He worries too much about how others see him
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Another low-key sign that a man isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface is that he’s overly concerned with how other people see him. He worries more about his image, appearance, and outside perception of those things than about sharing who he really is.
He might stress out about which selfie he should post to Instagram. He might worry that people won’t think he’s cool because he didn’t go to a certain party. He might focus more on the materialistic parts of life than the deeper, substantive parts. He tries to make up for his lack of confidence by presenting a facade of effortlessness, but really, he’s a whirlwind of anxiety ready to explode.
True confidence means living your life according to your own dreams. It means showing up as the most authentic version of yourself and accepting yourself for who you are instead of trying to change for other people.
11. He needs constant reassurance
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A man who isn't as confident as he seems often needs steady reassurance to feel okay about himself. He fishes for validation by asking questions like "Was that okay?" or "Do you think they liked me?" It can look like humility or thoughtfulness at first, but underneath, it's usually a sign of doubt rather than self-awareness.
Instead of trusting his own judgment, he relies on other people to confirm that he's doing the right thing or being perceived the right way. Compliments give him a temporary confidence boost, but the relief never lasts. As soon as that reassurance fades, the anxiety creeps back in, and he needs another hit of approval to feel steady again.
This pattern can become exhausting for the people around him. When someone constantly needs reassurance, it piles on emotional labor onto others. Partners, friends, or coworkers may feel like they're responsible for keeping him confident, even though confidence is something that has to come from within.
Everyone appreciates affirmation from time to time. The difference is that a genuinely confident man doesn’t depend on outside validation to feel secure. He can take feedback in stride, sit with uncertainty, and trust himself even when reassurance isn't immediately available.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
