If A Man Is Really Bad News, These 10 Clues Will Make It Totally Obvious
If he does these things, you don't need to second-guess — you have your answer.
Or Hakim | Unsplash According to Professor Scott M. Stanley, a research professor and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, "A young couple marrying for the first time today has a lifetime divorce risk of 40 percent unless current trends change significantly." For me, the keyword in this statement is the term "trend." A divorce rate of 4 out of 10 is just unnecessarily high, and we, as a society, need to figure out ways to lower it.
At the heart of almost all poor relationships (especially the ones that lead to divorce) is the fact that too many people ignore the relationship’s red flags — the things that are wrong with the partner or the relationship itself. These red flags are generally easy to spot if you know what you are looking for, but it’s not accepting them part that leads to removing yourself from the relationship that is the real skill.
If a man is really bad news, these ten clues will make it totally obvious:
1. Lack of communication
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The foundation of a quality relationship is the ability for you and your partner to have an open dialogue when it comes to letting each other know each other's thoughts as a way to problem-solve most relationship issues. If your partner fails to have basic communication skills, then conflicts are rarely resolved, and your wants and needs in the relationship are unlikely to ever be met.
Research has argued that a man who is genuinely interested will make an effort to communicate consistently. If you are always the one initiating contact and making plans, it can be a sign that his interest is not strong enough to invest in the relationship.
2. Lack of trust
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Few relationships can recover from this red flag, as it is the cornerstone of almost any committed relationship. Trust can be lost because of things like cheating, lies, or abuse, and once it’s gone, it’s nearly impossible to get it back.
Research has shown that individuals with low trust are more likely to be hypervigilant. They are typically looking for signs of danger and are quick to self-protect, which can lead to emotional distance and prevent true closeness from developing.
3. Actions don't match his words
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This is one red flag that I find few people pay attention to. As the titles indicate, this happens when your partner says they will do something (or won’t do something) and the preceding action does not correspond with those words.
These might be simple things, like saying they will call you back shortly and never do, or something larger, like saying they won’t talk to an ex anymore, yet continue to do so. The important thing is to pay attention to the words/action correlation, and if patterns of mismatch occur, you’re entering the flag-raising territory.
4. Significant family and friends don't like him
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I know some of you reading this may shrug this one off, reasoning that this is your life, not theirs, isn’t it? The fact remains that when significant others in your life don’t like your partner for whatever reason, they generally have your best interest at heart. I agree that you don’t have to take unwanted dating advice, but when it comes to red flags, if you see family and friends pointing at something blowing in the wind, you should turn and pay attention.
When you're in a new romance, you tend to see your partner in an overly positive, and sometimes unrealistic, light, one study suggested. Your friends and family are not susceptible to the same emotional biases and might be better at spotting controlling behaviors or disrespect that you are ignoring.
5. Controlling or abusive behavior
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This may be the easiest red flag of the bunch to see if you are on the other end of the abhorrent behavior. My best advice to those who see even small signs of this kind of behavior early on in a relationship is not to accept it and quickly move on.
Some people grew up in dysfunctional households where controlling tactics were modeled for them. They might replicate these patterns, believing them to be normal. Research has found that healthy relationships allow for both partners' freedom. Over time, constant control and belittling can diminish a partner's confidence and self-perception.
6. No resolution from past relationships
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Real behavioral changes for any person take lots of work, so if your partner (or even date) has tumultuous relationships with numerous family members, multiple exes, and/or has lots of conflicts with people around them, then it’s fair to assume they have conflict-resolution issues. And without self-help work in this area, conflict will invariably seep its way into any future relationship with them.
Emotionally immature individuals have trouble regulating their emotions and taking responsibility for their actions. Research has shown that a man with unresolved issues might exhibit hot-and-cold behavior. This inconsistency creates insecurity for the new partner, who struggles to understand the cause.
7. You're not a priority or your priority level drops
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Being treated as a priority by a partner has always been a must-have. New dating excitement can indeed skew the levels as they tend to be higher early in relationships, but simple signs like significant changes in the amount or types of thoughtful acts (i.e., gift giving) or the volume of quality time you spend, say a lot.
Staying in a relationship where your needs are not prioritized can significantly impact your mental health. Research has also found that continuing to make excuses for a partner's behavior can lead to you losing faith in your own judgment of what is healthy and acceptable in a relationship.
8. Different relationship goals than him
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I can’t tell you how many times I have heard about a budding relationship where one person says they want kids and the other says they do not, but the couple stays together for years anyway (and usually breaks up over the issue).
A 2018 study found that when couples reported higher conflict between their personal goals and their partner's, they also reported lower relationship quality. If the couple finds themselves compromising frequently, it can lead to resentment and lower personal happiness.
9. Lack of physical contact (affection or intimacy)
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I realize that lack of physical contact has a fairly broad spectrum for a red flag, since when it comes to things like intimacy, they can ebb and flow for a relationship, and also understandably change over time. The fact is that if you and your partner are not in agreement about the amount and/or kinds of physical contact you require, eventually someone is going to get the deficit somewhere else.
As human beings, we generally crave, if not require, human touch from a partner in some form. From simple hand-holding to a morning kiss, to hot, sweaty intimacy, you must get what you require to be happy because when you don’t red flag meter must wonder why.
10. Irresponsible and immature behavior
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I group these two because they seem to go hand and hand so often. When you have a mate who acts in ways that are not age-appropriate, or prevents them from being a productive and responsible member of the relationship team.
You typically have two choices for action: ignore it or become some kind of parental figure to change the behavior. That’s why, separately or together, they are such red flags because neither choice will keep you in a happy relationship for long. You deserve to love and be loved the way you want.
Amie Leadingham is a Certified Master Relationship and Mentor Coach. She has been featured on CBS Network, Fox 5 News, People, Entertainment Weekly, HelloGiggles, Martha Stewart Weddings, and more.
