11 Signs You're Not In Love Anymore, You're Just Afraid To Be Alone
Sometimes, it's easier to stay miserable than venture into the unknown.
Goksi | Shutterstock Love isn't always simple, and while many people grew up reading fairytales, the reality of maintaining a relationship without falling out of love is difficult. Whether they've been married for many years or have only been together for one, there will inevitably come a point when you no longer feel the same way. However, leaving a relationship is a lot harder than people make it seem.
From arguing constantly to feeling stuck, there are strong signs you're not in love anymore, you're just afraid to be alone. It's unfortunate, but many people fear loneliness and stay in unfulfilling relationships to avoid these uncomfortable feelings. And while it may work for a while, staying with someone you're no longer in love with is not just hurtful for you, but the other person as well.
Here are 11 signs you're not in love anymore, you're just afraid to be alone
1. You fantasize about a life without them
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It's normal for relationships to go through ups and downs. After spending years together, there will come a time when disagreements happen. Even so, if you get to a point in which you're thinking about a life without them and smiling from ear to ear, it's a huge sign your relationship is coming to an end, but you're holding on because you're afraid to be alone.
When you're truly done with a person, there is no hesitation. You break up, leave, and never look back. However, holding onto someone indicates emotional dependency. And according to a study published in BioMed Research International, this is bad, as there's a correlation between emotional dependency and aggression. So, while your heart might be saying no, if you stay regardless of how you've been feeling, it will only end in disaster.
2. You've stopped arguing
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When you've intentionally stopped arguing with your partner despite not wanting to be in a relationship with them, it's one of the glaring signs you're not in love anymore, you're just afraid to be alone. A relationship is still going strong when couples argue. Despite how tense these situations might seem, couples who agree are still madly in love with one another and continue trying.
But when you stop arguing, you simply stop caring about the other person. You've completely given up on the fact that this person can ever change. However, despite knowing this, you don't pack your bags and leave.
Staying when you know the relationship is over means you're holding onto fear. For most people, this fear stems from never finding someone better or finding someone at all. And although these concerns are valid, at some point, getting over this fear is necessary if you truly want to thrive and grow in life.
3. You're no longer growing together
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In your relationship, there will always be growth milestones in which you discover something new about yourself. From realizing what you need out of your partner to understanding your flaws, when you're afraid to be alone despite not being in life anymore, you find that you're no longer growing together.
While you might feel empowered to continue learning, your partner might be content where they are in life. During these moments, in which you feel as if you're no longer on the same page, you might feel tempted to throw in the towel, and rightfully so. But if you're not yet finished with the relationship, or are afraid to start over, you might make excuse after excuse.
Unfortunately, this does nothing but build up resentment as you slowly begin to realize they'll never want to grow with you. According to the Gottman Institute, resentment is often dangerous as it leads to contempt, which is the number one predictor of divorce. While you might not be ready now, if given enough time, you might break free of your relationship as the contempt becomes too much.
4. You crave attention from other people
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When you're truly in love with someone, you only want their attention. You don't care about random comments from strangers or beautiful Instagram influencers sliding into your messages. But when you're not in love with your partner anymore but are afraid to be alone, you crave that attention from other people.
While there's nothing wrong with wanting to go out with your friends or talk to other people, craving someone's affections is a different story. Due to feeling unloved or undesirable, you might find yourself seeking out passion and love from others, leading you down a dangerous path.
5. You don't look forward to spending time together
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At the start, you couldn't wait to spend every waking moment together. From simple things like going on dates or cooking dinner with one another, each moment spent together was a one that you cherished.
However, as time continued, you slowly began to grow weary of spending time together. You now prefer to spend time alone, and get a pit in your stomach when your partner asks to do an activity with each other. Some people might need time to reenergize, but if you truly dread spending time together, no matter how energized you are, it's clear that your feelings are no longer the same.
Research, including a study from Contemporary Family Therapy, agrees that spending time together is important as it leads to a stronger and better relationship. On top of that, human beings are social creatures who depend on socialization to thrive.
But if you don't desire to socialize with your partner or be in their presence, you've likely fallen out of love. Even so, continuing to stay regardless of how you feel might mean you're terrified of being alone. If this is the case, finding professional help or depending on your loved one outside of your relationship is a good option.
6. You get annoyed at everything they do
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When you get annoyed at every single thing your partner does, even if it's something you've grown used to over the years, it's one of the stronger signs you're not in love anymore, you're just afraid to be alone. Maybe your partner forgot to get groceries or maybe they didn't remember to clean the dishes from the night before. Either way, being annoyed in a relationship is completely normal. But even the most normal things they do upsets you.
From them getting you flowers to them hugging you from behind, everything they do sets you off. You can't explain it, but there's this anger that courses through you every time they so much as breathe near you.
For some reason, you don't leave the relationship, even if you know it's better if you do. But don't be too hard on yourself, as it's normal to have a hard time letting go after spending years with someone. Pushing through that fear is the only way to heal and move forward, even if it's hard.
7. Your friends and family notice something is wrong
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You might be oblivious to your feelings, but your mom and best friend will pick up on things. From knowing when you're sad to knowing when you're judging something, your closest loved ones understand you deeply. According to psychology professor Ronald E. Riggio, PhD, it's likely your friends know you better than you know yourself, often because of things like seeing patterns you're not aware of.
Your friends and family might not know what is exactly going on, but this won't stop them from pulling you aside and asking if everything is alright. At the moment, you might feel annoyed and overwhelmed by their questions. But their constant nagging comes from a place of care and perspective.
Just because they come to you or can identify something is wrong, that doesn't mean you'll leave your relationship. Despite what they may tell you, being alone is a lot easier said than done, and the thought of doing so might make you feel overwhelmed and terrified. Take as much time as you need to accept, heal, and, most importantly, move on.
8. You no longer ask them for help
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Relationships are supposed to be equal. From cooking to cleaning to taking care of the family, there's a need for both partners to put equal effort into the relationship. However, if you're no longer asking your partner for help, you're probably not in love anymore and are afraid to be alone.
At first, you begged your partner to help you out, but the constant need to voice your requests has led to your partner drowning you out. It's exhausting, and you've probably had enough, so you just stop altogether. On the outside, your partner might not understand why you no longer ask. However, always having your needs rejected leaves you feeling bitter, leading you to do things yourself since you can't depend on your partner.
Despite how dismissive they are, you stay. Yet this fear can be boiled down into simple terms: you're just afraid to be alone.
9. You're constantly comparing your relationship to others'
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Back when social media wasn't as prevalent and all-consuming, rather than spending hours scrolling through picture-perfect couples, people formed strong connections with their partners through real-life experiences. Unfortunately, times have changed, and you may find yourself constantly comparing your relationship to others'.
You might not have had a great example of how relationships are supposed to operate. That being said, there's a difference between healthy boundaries and unrealistic expectations. Many people confuse the two of them, causing them to place unrealistic expectations on their partner to satisfy their lack of connection with their partner.
According to psychology professor Dr. Donald Baucom, people should aim for good enough relationships. He explained, "In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they're treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect... They expect their partner to be loyal."
If you're constantly comparing your relationship, you might not be in love anymore. While this happens from time to time, if you've tried everything and things simply aren't getting better, it might be worth considering leaving. As scary as it may be, leaving is much better than continuing to put down your partner for the things they can't do.
10. You can't picture growing old together
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When you're in love, you often think about growing old together and spending years tied to each other until death do you part. However, you simply can't picture growing old together anymore. And it's likely because you're no longer in love with your partner, but stay because you don't want to be alone.
The thought of being alone can fill anyone with a huge sense of unease. As much as you might hear people preach about progression and moving on, doing so is difficult. This is because the brain is programmed to resist change. As strange as it sounds, the brain likes to remain with what's familiar, as straying too far can put your brain in alert mode.
While others might judge your decision to stay, don't feel too bad. Learning to reprogram the brain isn't easy, and it might take months or a year to finally have the confidence to say enough is enough.
11. You're not affectionate anymore
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One of the most glaring signs you're not in love anymore, you're just afraid to be alone, is feeling unable or disgusted at the thought of being affectionate with your partner. Intimacy in relationships is essential, but you no longer feel comfortable with this. And though that's a boundary your partner should always respect, affection and physical intimacy are two different things.
From holding hands to hugging, affection is the best way to show your partner how you're feeling, all without saying a word. According to psychology professor Nicole K. McNichols, PhD, human touch is one of our most primal needs, and not having this tends to lead to depression and anxiety.
If you no longer feel the desire to be affectionate, you likely aren't in love and need to do something about it. While this is a sad realization to come to, finding ways to let go instead of allowing your fear of being alone to consume you is important. Otherwise, it will create misery in your life and your partner's.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
