15 Subtle Signs Your Partner Doesn't Value Or Care About You, According To Psychology
Overlooked behaviors reveal when your partner isn't giving you the love and respect you deserve.
studioroman | Canva There's no worse feeling than being misunderstood by your partner. Part of the reason we seek out romantic relationships in the first place is that we want someone to know us inside and out, and still love us despite our flaws.
Feeling like your partner "gets" you is a big deal. But to "get" you, they have to know you. And, believe it or not, plenty of people marry partners who don't know them well, much less don't care for or value them.
Here are 15 subtle signs your partner doesn't value or care about you, according to psychology:
1. They don’t ask about your day
Sure, it feels nice when your partner texts you throughout the day to check in. But if he’s always texting to tell you what’s going on with him, rather than asking how your day is going, it’s a sign that not only does he not care how you’re doing, he doesn’t even know what to ask.
Your partner should be tuned into what’s happening with you, be curious about your day, and genuinely want to know how you are.
It’s the little details of our lives that make up the big picture, so if he’s not asking how your commute was, what you had for lunch, or whether you finished that big project on time, he’s not going to know you.
2. They don’t hang out with your friends
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Maybe he told you to go to your BFF’s birthday party without him because he’s not into karaoke and would rather stay home and watch Netflix. Or, maybe he’ll allow himself to be dragged to a night out with your friend, but rolls his eyes the whole time and wants to leave early.
Eye-rolling is a sign of contempt that damages trust and upsets the balance in a relationship, as explored by a 2015 study. If, when given the choice, he rolls his eyes and says he’d rather go out with his friends than yours, it’s a sign he's losing interest in you and the relationship.
3. They can't tell when you’re upset (or don't react)
We all have little indicators that tell the people who care about us when we’re feeling blue. You don’t have to be camped out on the sofa in your grotty old sweatpants, crying and mainlining wine, for someone who supposedly loves you to see that you aren't being yourself.
A person who loves you will be able to tell you’re upset just by a glance or the way you answer the phone. If he doesn’t catch onto your cues, he doesn’t know you.
4. They require you to wear a mask
I went to college with a girl who confessed to me the night before her wedding that her husband-to-be had never seen her without foundation and mascara. How can you marry someone who doesn’t know what your naked face looks like?
We all have things we’re self-conscious about, but if your partner hasn’t seen you barefaced, it's an indicator that you are hiding your true self. A study of authenticity and satisfaction in relationships revealed that "authenticity was related to engaging in healthy relationship behaviors, which in turn predicted positive relationship outcomes and greater personal well-being."
5. They give you bad gifts
It’s the thought that counts, but if every holiday he gifts you the same thing, jewelry you’d never wear, a dress that’s not your style, kitchen supplies when you hate cooking, it should be enough for you to question if he cares.
Somehow, he has a knack for finding something that’s so completely not you, you’re not sure what he could have been thinking. You’ve gotten to be an expert at faking a smile and swallowing your disappointment.
6. They aren't a safe space
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Not that I recommend shouting at the person you love, but if you’ve never let yourself lose your temper or engage in a fight, you’re not really comfortable around him. You’re putting on an act, keeping yourself buttoned up, and not allowing yourself to be real.
Fighting in a relationship is normal, and you shouldn't be walking on eggshells to keep the peace.
7. Their communication is surface-level
A friend once asked me if I thought it was normal that he and his girlfriend didn’t really have conversations. He explained that they had great physical intimacy, and he really liked her, and they got along just fine, but that they never really talked.
Most nights, he said, he watched television while she knitted beside him on the sofa. While this sounds quiet and comfortable, it’s not a foundation for a relationship.
Intimacy is important in a relationship, but you need to talk to each other, too. Communication is the key and the foundation, and without that, the whole thing will crumble.
"If you want a committed relationship, you have to get to know him and have deeper conversations and not just physicality. Otherwise, your actions may suggest you are not serious," warns relationship coach Marilyn Sutherland.
You shouldn’t just have everyday conversations, either. You should take the time to have deep conversations about everything under the sun, your past, your future, politics, and feelings. Everything.
8. They don’t remember your stories
Even if you have had deep conversations, if he doesn’t seem to recall them, you’ve got a problem.
Part of falling in love with people is hearing all their stories. (That’s also the terrible thing about breaking up with someone and starting over, because you’ve got to tell all your stories again.)
If he didn’t really listen, or if he did but he forgot them, was he even listening to you? Or does he just not care?
9. They make you feel lonely
They say loneliness is the human condition. And, really, there’s nothing wrong with feeling lonely sometimes. We all do. But if you’re consistently lonely in your relationship and feel more lonely when you’re with your partner than when you’re alone, it’s a sign that something is wrong.
Being with someone who doesn’t know you, especially when it’s someone who’s supposed to know you better than anyone else in the world, is a terrible feeling. You can't go on feeling like this, so consider it a sign.
10. They don't spend time with you
Spending time together is what makes a relationship serious! It's taking time away from other things to focus on you, and that's serious business. But if he isn't doing that, isn't putting time aside to be with you and spend time together, you aren't a priority to him. That's something you should never tolerate, as he should actively want to be around you.
"If you have to constantly beg, prod, and ask for your man to spend time with you, he's no longer in love with you. And if he thinks you aren't worth his time, he isn't worth your time, says relationship coach Keith Dent.
11. They make all the decisions
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If you're in a long-term relationship and he's still making all the decisions, that's not a great sign. Love is about compromise and making big or little decisions together, especially if it will affect both of your lives. If he truly cared about you, he would ask for your opinion.
When a man makes decisions without his partner, it could mean he doesn't see you as an equal partner, which is toxic at best. You deserve a relationship with someone who respects you and your opinion.
12. They are never jealous
Jealousy can be horrible, but for a guy to never get jealous, even a little bit, is a bad sign. A little jealousy is fine in relationships; it's actually completely normal as long as it's protective rather than toxic.
If they care about you, they should be afraid of losing you from time to time. If your guy isn't slightly bothered by men coming onto you, he probably doesn't care anymore if you leave or not. This is a clear sign he doesn't have feelings for you anymore.
13. They don’t think about your future together
In a healthy relationship, you will excitedly discuss your future together. If your partner constantly avoids talking about the future and marriage, or he does and you aren't a part of it, this is a huge red flag.
"If he no longer cares about your incorporating your life with his, he probably doesn't love you," Dent warns.
Your partner should want to be involved in your life and your future together, especially if things are serious. This just calls into question why he's dating you in the first place, and you probably won't like his answer.
14. They flirt with other people in front of you
This shouldn't be happening at all if he truly loves you. When a man falls in love, there's no other woman out there for him. It's you and you alone that can set his world alight in passion, so if he's outright flirting with women in front of you, he doesn't care about you.
If he does care about you and flirts when he's intoxicated, that's a toxic relationship. Never let a man treat you in this way because you're worth much more.
15. They don’t put effort into making things work
The biggest sign of a guy not caring about the relationship is if he doesn't put any effort into making things work.
Marilyn Sutherland warns that it takes work on both sides for a storybook ending, adding, “It can happen if both of you intentionally connect, and I recommend you be the one to start. You can’t complain all day and think that is creating a happy home.”
However, if they are making an effort, try not to criticize if it doesn’t end up going the way you planned. “Thank them when they make an effort. Men are not mind-readers (and often that’s a good thing). Make requests from love and partnership, not demands,” Sutherland recommends.
While there are numerous signs that he doesn't care about you or your relationship anymore, there's only one way to be sure. If you aren't certain that he's invested in your relationship long-term, or have been doubting if he loves you, the best thing you can do is ask him straight up.
And, as Dent warns, "If he says, 'Sure!' and doesn't back it up with reasons, then he doesn't care as much as you thought he did."
Elizabeth Laura Nelson is a commerce editor for Woman's World US and FIRST For Women.
