If You've Had These 7 Conversations With Your Partner, You're More Emotionally Mature Than 95% Of Couples
You can tell a lot about a couple's maturity by what they're willing to talk about.
LOOK | Canva If you and your partner regularly have deep, honest conversations about the "bigger picture," you're already more emotionally mature than most couples, says Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D. Many couples focus on routines — the kids, the bills, the chores — but never really talk about who they are as individuals or what they want together. When emotional connection takes a backseat to logistics, relationships can start to feel like business partnerships instead of real intimacy.
Emotionally mature couples, on the other hand, talk about everything — from values and boundaries to money, needs, and long-term goals. They understand that open communication creates trust, which becomes the foundation for lasting love. If you've had these seven kinds of conversations with your partner, you're doing something most couples never quite figure out: you're building emotional intimacy that actually lasts.
If you've had these 8 conversations with your partner, you're more emotionally mature than 95% of couples:
1. The honest conversation about intimacy
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If you can have honest, detailed conversations about your intimate life, including frequency, specificity, and even fantasies, Dr. Brame congratulates you on having a level of emotional maturity that eludes most couples. It's common for couples with deep problems in their love lives to be unaware of their partner's feelings about tactile intimacy. When they talk about the bedroom, it sounds as if they are in two different marriages.
Mature couples have serious, open conversations about their needs. Since intimacy is one of the most sensitive subjects in married life, the adults who can intentionally negotiate for what they want and who feel liberated to tell their spouse what they need end up being very close and very satisfied with their relationships.
Communication is the key to building a mature level. Without free dialogue, a wedge can develop that will ultimately drive them apart as lovers.
2. The vulnerable conversation about needs
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Licensed psychotherapist and author Christina Steinorth-Powell recommends asking your partner this question: "What can I do to meet your needs better?" If every person asked this of their partner and actually did what their partner asked for, divorce rates would plummet.
The reason this question makes you more emotionally mature than most couples is that you are opening yourself up to criticism. We should never feel we are automatically meeting all of our partner's needs, even if we've been in a relationship with them for a year, five years, ten years, or more. Needs change constantly.
People don't leave relationships where their needs are getting met. I'm not saying you have to ask this question daily, but every few months or so, it's always a good question to add to your conversations with your partner if you want to have the healthiest relationship possible.
3. The open conversation about fantasies
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As most therapists know, tactile intimacy is one of the major topics couples avoid discussing, explains author and couples' therapist Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D. Not a lot of couples have had a conversation with their partner in which they calmly “check in“ about how things are going intimately, and not because there is a problem. But because they are curious, and want to make sure both are satisfied.
If you have had these conversations, congratulations to you. You are very unusual, and clearly more emotionally mature than is average. You’re fearless and will probably never be seen in couples therapy.
Most couples, unfortunately, keep secrets about unspoken wishes, specific desires, complaints, and fantasies, all the ingredients of dissatisfaction. Many things fluctuate in life that change how things go intimately, but most couples don’t routinely do this kind of exploration. The biggest change, of course, is how desire transforms (particularly in women) from the earliest stages of falling in love to being in an established relationship.
But myriad other fluctuations in physical intimacy go undiscussed. Some of them are fascinating. We all know that pregnant women’s sense of smell affects their feelings toward different foods. This can extend to feelings about how partners smell.
How we feel about our body parts affects how we feel about being touched there. There are changes due to the birth of children, the stresses of childrearing, depression, general anxiety, changes in how you feel about your body, illness, variations in functioning, and aging. Each one of these is worth discussing, kindly and calmly.
4. The clear conversation about boundaries and expectations
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Psychologist Michael W. Regier, Ph.D., recommends asking each other how each of you feels about having friendships, as well as about either of you getting involved with a consuming activity, like golf, that will take a great deal of time away from your relationship. What about a consuming career or education path that you both will need to make sacrifices for? What are your views about alcohol use and how much is too much?
You should also be on the same page about how you want to set boundaries with dysfunctional family members as a couple. And, if you are creating a blended family, it’s critical to talk about your views on parenting each other's children and co-parenting with each other's ex.
5. The present and engaged conversation
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Don’t worry about what you’re going to say or how you’re going to respond during casual or critical conversations with your partner, advises Professor Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D. Just listen and give nonverbal signals that you’re truly engaged — like nodding your head and maintaining eye contact.
Demonstrate that you are indeed listening by reflecting on the following: Am I understanding you in full? Am I hearing you? Similarly, validate your partner’s feelings: I’m sorry to hear that you’re so angry, or I can see why you’re so upset.
If you’re at a loss for words or have nothing to say, something as simple as “Thank you for sharing” can be incredibly effective.
6. The brutally honest conversation
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Psychotherapist Joan E. Childs points out how Nothing works better than honesty. Changing the facts to massage your point, exaggerating, or stretching the story only creates a stronger defense from the other side.
Remember: The brain often distorts, deletes, and generalizes information. It's very important to be as accurate and honest as you can. We all wear different filters based on our biological makeup and history when we perceive conflict. Being rigorously honest is your best bet.
7. The tough but necessary money conversation
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Talking about financial stuff, even when it's tough, is of critical importance, asserts Relationship educator Randy Skilton. There's typically no more sensitive topic in any relationship. Money is powerful and can turn a good relationship sour. Your income, spending methods, and saving patterns could bring some significant trust issues in the relationship.
You and your partner should regularly sit down and discuss financial boundaries. Ask each other, "What dollar figure is the limit that we need to discuss together before we decide to buy or not buy it?"
It is also important to decide how to spend your money, create a budget, and be on the same page with financial goals. Money is a shared topic. You are a team, and you must operate as such to be successful in your relationship. Discussing financial boundaries is not an expectancy of a failed relationship; it is a matter of convenience, which will help you avoid sticky entanglements later in the relationship.
8. The "always tell me more" conversation
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Relationship coach Reta Walker, Ph.D., is clear about the happily married couple being interested in each other. They want to know what their partner enjoys, why, who they like, and how they see the world.
Happily, married couples are other-focused and stay in tune with their partner's growth for a lifetime. The conversation typically has the phrase "Tell me more."
This phrase is used by a partner who is responsive and engaged, who makes their partner a priority over chores, friends, children, and other interests, and it delivers a message of respect, value, and interest, and contributes to their partner's happiness. Two people who attribute their well-being to their spouse are committed.
Dr. Brame wraps it up by pointing out how she is often surprised by how many couples have never had intimate conversations about how to improve their relationship with each other. Instead of knowing how the other feels, they often just guess. Direct conversation and mutual raw honesty about their thoughts, needs, dreams, and actionable approaches to attain higher satisfaction brings incredibly meaningful depth to a long-term relationship.
If you and your partner can talk openly about who you are, what you need, and where you're going together, you're operating at a level of emotional maturity that many couples never reach.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
