The Art Of Honest Love: 7 Ways To Build Kinder, Gentler Honesty In Your Marriage
Honesty doesn't have to hurt.
Julio Lopez | Unsplash In the canon of relationship communication theory, renowned American psychologist John Gottman is widely considered the expert on why marriages succeed or fail. His research into the predictors of relationship and marital success and failure provides great help when pondering the impact of honesty within a couple's communication.
Though the conventional wisdom favors honesty above all else, Gottman notes that cruelty and contempt often masquerade as honesty and are reliable predictors of the end of a relationship. So, "honesty" isn't a sufficient goal for improving communication skills, especially when used as a battle-ax ("You're fat and stupid") versus a lightning rod for greater information ("I'd like to explain how this makes me feel").
After years of marriage, your spouse knows your weaknesses and sensitivities better than anyone. This intimate knowledge of habits, fears, and foibles is sufficient cause to err on the side of silence when frustrated, but sometimes that is just not humanly possible. Sometimes honesty is the only way to clear the air, grow as a couple, and avoid subterranean resentment.
Here are 7 ways to build kinder, gentler honesty in your marriage:
1. They agree that honesty is a priority
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If you cannot agree that you should make an effort to tell the truth to one another, perhaps you have bigger fish to fry than simple honesty. Deciding that you want to have open but kind communication is an incredibly important step in establishing honest ground rules.
Example: "I'd like for us to both feel more comfortable talking about things that are important to us."
When partners hold similar core beliefs, they have a mutual understanding and a sense of emotional security. A recent study explained that this alignment provides a common framework for decision-making, from daily choices to major life events like finances or parenting.
2. They talk about what they need, not what their partner needs to do
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When someone is approached "honestly" about their shortcomings, they're likely (and understandably) going to get defensive and refuse your request or seek revenge later. Gottman recommends a "softened startup."
Example: "I'm feeling overwhelmed lately. Would you help me identify some ways I can get some more support?"
3. They identify topics that are off-limits
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Even after you've decided to be honest, some topics are too difficult to tackle, especially if they've been problematic historically in your relationship. Setting some ground rules about what issues shouldn't be talked about at first is probably a good idea.
Example: "We both get so upset when we talk about money. Do you mind if we wait and talk about this with a counselor?"
Healthy couples establish boundaries around how and when they will discuss difficult issues. This protects the emotional safety of both partners while allowing for open communication, according to a 2020 study. For example, a couple might agree to take a 20-minute break if a discussion gets too heated.
4. They wave the white flag when necessary
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Sometimes, intense discussions are difficult and exhausting. If you're trying to be honest with each other, make sure you allow one another to "drop out" at some point for a cooling-off period or some downtime.
Example: "I want to resolve this with you but I need a few minutes to cool off. Can we take a ten-minute break?"
Research shows that partners who are open to being influenced by one another, and who consider their partner's perspective valid even when they disagree. Knowing when to pause a heated discussion is a critical skill for de-escalation. The goal is to prevent the fight from boiling over into hurtful attacks.
5. They act like mature adults
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No name-calling, derisive remarks, or belittling contemptuous comments should be allowed when carrying on an honest conversation with a loved one.
Example: "I have something important to discuss with you, but it's a very sensitive topic for me, so could we schedule a time to discuss this?"
One study suggested that mature partners can commit to the relationship for the long haul, understanding that it means giving up other partner choices. This foundation of trust allows for vulnerability and interdependence without becoming overly dependent.
6. They allow for a few white lies
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In every honest relationship, there comes a time to keep one's mouth shut. Because sometimes, when you know how to communicate effectively, you don't say anything at all.
Example: "Yes, that skirt looks lovely on you!"
While there are socially acceptable contexts for white lies, they are not a substitute for genuine communication and trust, especially in the long term. Some would argue that a justified example could be to make a partner happy or to support their positive feelings, such as saying you had a good time at an event even if you didn't.
7. They aim for progress, not perfection
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Honesty in a relationship requires trust, time, and tolerance. Sometimes your spouse shouldn't be the first person to hear about how they're ticking you off, even if you want to tell them.
Research recommends clearly communicating what is and isn't acceptable behavior, especially if one partner struggles with criticism. Healthy boundaries protect the relationship from the damaging effects of a perfectionistic attitude.
Availing yourself of a confidante, in this case, is extremely valuable. You can come clean, unedited, with a close trusted friend and then talk to your partner once you've cooled off.
Redsy Jones has written for Imperfect Parent and Babble and specializes in love, parenting, and relationship topics.
