You Know A Couple Is Actually Mature Enough To Get Married If They Can Talk About These 6 Things
You can tell a couple's truly ready for marriage by what they're willing to discuss.
Aliburhan S | Unsplash Above all else, marriage is a huge long-term commitment. So, knowing when and how to have a comprehensive talk about marriage with your boyfriend or girlfriend is critically important to ensure you've discussed the critical issues that suggest you're really ready and mature enough to walk down the aisle.
Before saying 'I do,' couples need ot have honest (and sometimes, yes, uncomfortable) conversations about the realities of life together. From money to family to conflict and personal growth, the ability to talk openly about these things reveals more than compatibility — it shows you're both mature enough to build something that lasts. After these conversations, go forth, get married, and have a great time.
You can tell a couple is actually mature enough to get married if they talk about these 6 things:
1. They take the risk of initiating the conversation
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If you love the person you're with enough to want to get married, the best thing to do is openly state your feelings. It's better to know sooner than later whether or not your partner feels the same way. Please note this is not a proposal.
Telling the person you love that you want to marry them simply opens up a new, important discussion. State your desire and qualify it by saying you are not asking for an immediate answer, but opening a conversation about what you would like the future to hold.
2. They talk about what it would be like when they're married
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Let your partner know all the reasons you think being married to you will be wonderful, as well as the reasons you think it will be a challenge. Of course, if you've been in this relationship for some time, many such challenges may be obvious by now, but it's a good time for a review of sorts.
Get rid of the idealism. This is the time to be brutally honest. How complicated are you to live with? What are your sensitivities? What challenges will be involved in living with you? If you really want your partner to love you through better or worse, it’s good to let him or her know what the worst might look like in advance, although it's, of course, impossible to plan for every disaster.
3. They talk about each other's core beliefs
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Ask each other the following types of questions:
- What are your spiritual beliefs?
- Are you frugal or extravagant when it comes to money?
- Are you an entrepreneur who wants to take the risk of starting a business? Or are you a 9-to-5 person who wants to live on a predictable paycheck?
- Do you want kids? If so, what is your preferred time frame for starting a family?
Do you want one of you to stay home to raise the kids when they are young, or are you committed to a dual-career household, no matter what?
4. They clarify their relationship boundaries and expectations
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Ask each other how each of you feels about having friendships, as well as about either of you getting involved with a consuming activity, like golf, that will take a great deal of time away from your relationship. What about a consuming career or education path that you both will need to make sacrifices for? What are your views about alcohol use and how much is too much?
You should also be on the same page about how you want to set boundaries with dysfunctional family members as a couple. And, if you are creating a blended family, it’s critical to talk about your views on parenting each other's children and co-parenting with each other's ex.
5. They talk about they plan to keep their marriage strong
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There is now a vast trove of scientific research on the science of relationships and lasting love. There are some great resources and books out there from widely respected therapists, such as Dr. Sue Johnson, Dr. Stan Tatkin, Dr. John Gottman, and others.
Starting a marriage without a solid understanding of, as Dr. Gottman wrote, What Makes Love Last is like deciding to circle the globe with a sailboat with no navigation. You both need to know how to move your relationship in the direction you want it to go, as well as how to navigate stormy seas when times get tough. Talk about the resources you each find compelling, or dive into some research on the topic together.
6. They talk openly and honestly about intimacy
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It’s easy to be physically intimate before you get married, as our neurochemistry creates a temporary surge of passion. After you get married, however, you are more likely than not to grow into more of a comfortable companionship over time, as you go through phases of intimacy.
Talk with your partner about how much you like to be held, and what you think you will or won't need intimately as your relationship matures. How much together time do you think you'll need? How do you need to be encouraged and made to feel special? Get clear on your core beliefs and feelings about marriage. Openly and honestly share your beliefs and feelings.
Michael W. Regier, Ph.D., is a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist who works with individuals and couples. He and his wife, Paula, are authors of the book Emotional Connection: The Story & Science of Preventing Conflict & Creating Lifetime Love.
