If A Husband Starts Complaining About These 11 Things, His Marriage Is Slipping
Some complaining is normal, but an overabundance can signal a troubled marriage.
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock Sometimes, it's easy to look at a couple and know their marriage is on the brink. Other times, the signs that things are slowly unraveling are more subtle and you have to really pay attention to what's being said to know for sure. It's normal for couples to have some complaints about pretty much everything every now and then, but if they make a pattern out of complaining, it could mean that they're deeply unhappy.
Whether it's a lack of communication, blame-shifting, or feeling unheard, if a husband starts complaining about these things, his marriage is slipping. As psychologist John Gottman explained, in order to complain in a more productive and effective way, couples should share how they feel, discuss the specific situation that made them feel that way, and ask their partner to do something positive that will help rectify the situation.
If a husband starts complaining about these 11 things, his marriage is slipping
1. Lack of emotional connection
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Every successful relationship requires a strong emotional connection to thrive. Really, marriages are built on emotional connection and intimacy. If a husband feels like his marriage is lacking emotional connection and he openly complains about it, it's a sure sign his marriage is slipping.
Emotional connection is something you can't lose and just continue without. It's where your foundation comes from, and without it you have nothing.
Life coach Wayne Parker explained, "After years together, couples inevitably learn what might hurt their partners. Kind and loving partners who avoid hurting each other help each other feel loved, valued and safe. When we make the environment safe for our spouses, emotional intimacy finds its place."
Husbands who don't feel like their emotions are being respected in this way are bound to feel a lack of connection. Over time, they'll grow farther and farther apart from their spouse. There won't be anything left to hold them together because their foundation is ruined.
2. Not feeling appreciated
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If a husband starts complaining about not feeling appreciated, his marriage is slipping. Because it's important for everyone to feel appreciated in their relationship. Maybe he thinks that the time he spends with the kids isn't valued, or maybe he feels like his spouse sees him as nothing more than an income source. Whatever the case may be, complaining about feeling unappreciated isn't a good sign.
"When you are feeling unappreciated in a relationship, it can wreak havoc on your emotions and feelings of self-worth," health and wellness writer Jenna Fletcher said. "You may start questioning what you bring to the relationship, or you may begin to resent the other person for not recognizing your efforts." Fletcher noted that it may be possible to work with your partner so they can see your value, but it also may be time to cut your losses if it's simply not possible.
A husband who feels unappreciated is bound to feel hurt and resentful. He can try to work on these feelings with his spouse, but it may be impossible to come back from the point they've reached. Not seeing someone's value is a serious and unfortunate thing, especially when it's the person you're supposed to love the most. It's definitely going to affect their self-esteem.
3. His spouse spending too much money
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One reason a husband may complain is because he feels like his spouse is spending too much money. Now, every man is bound to feel like his spouse overspends from time to time, and that doesn't necessarily mean that their marriage is in trouble or they're going to split up. But if it becomes a pattern and the husband truly feels like his spouse has no concern for their finances, or is even financially controlling him, that could definitely signal some serious issues.
Personal finance expert James McWhinney stated that communication is key for handling money issues. You can't solve the problem without talking about it, after all. It's also important to know yourself and your spending habits and make that part of the communication. Let your spouse know what they can expect. And, of course, "A couple should agree on their long-term goals and how to get there."
If a couple has majorly diverging views about how their money should be handled, it could be a recipe for disaster. Couples don't have to agree on everything about money, but it's one thing they should at least be on the same page about. A husband may good-naturedly complain from time to time that his spouse overspends, but if it's a consistent problem he brings up, it's likely a sign the marriage is struggling.
4. Not spending enough time together
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It's pretty essential for a couple to spend time together if they want their relationship to work. Of course, they can't realistically spend every second of the day together (nor would they likely want to), and obligations related to family and work will take them away from each other at times, but having quality time is important. A husband who complains that he doesn't get to spend enough time with his spouse probably has a marriage that is on the brink, especially if he feels like all of the blame for that rests with them.
"Not spending enough time as a couple can lead to a relationship crisis," marriage and family therapist Marina Edelman said. Edelman recommended trying to line up your schedule with your spouse's as well as you possibly can so that you have more time you can spend together. She also said time is needed to work on conflict resolution, sharing goals and having fun.
Every couple may feel like they're going through a time when they're simply not spending enough time together every now and then, and that's completely normal. But if a husband feels like he is always separated from or distant from his spouse, he's probably going to start complaining.
This is a sign his marriage may be slipping and on shaky ground. These complaints should be treated seriously, because he may see this as a major problem.
5. Feeling like an afterthought
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Two adults have so many responsibilities to take care of, and those responsibilities only increase with marriage. That means that some things will have to be prioritized over a spouse from time to time.
If you have kids, this balance can become especially challenging. There's got to be some compromise in a marriage because of that. But if a husband truly feels like he is an afterthought to his spouse, there's a problem.
Licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin, explained that everyone tends to have unrealistic expectations of marriage, and those expectations can lead to them feeling lonely. "This is a common experience among those of us who struggle with codependency because we have a hard time being vulnerable, asking our partners for what we need and practicing self-care," she said. "Often, we internalize feeling lonely or invisible as rejection and shame — blaming ourselves and feeling unlovable."
If a husband's spouse is spending most of their time with the kids, their friends or even their extended family, he may feel left out and like he is on the outside looking in. That can seriously damage how he feels about himself and the relationship.
Feeling lonely and overlooked is never a pleasant thing to experience, and when you feel that way because of your spouse, it's even worse. A husband complaining about this means his marriage is on the rocks.
6. His spouse not doing things right
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It's easy to be critical of what someone else is doing and think it's not enough, especially when you're not in their shoes. Just like a husband may think that his spouse is criticizing him too much, he may do the same in reverse. Whether it's the way they discipline the kids, how they keep the house in order or even their cooking, a husband may complain about his spouse not doing things right.
Chances are, his spouse isn't actually doing anything wrong. He's just frustrated and fed up with his marriage and desperately wants something to change. In fact, the change that he wants is probably to get out of the marriage because it feels like a trap to him.
The marriage is clearly in trouble and he's ready to jump ship. Feeling like everything his spouse does is wrong is just one of the side effects of that.
Psychology expert Ellie Lisitsa explained that criticism is what John Gottman considers one of the proverbial "Four Horsemen." She added, "And behind every complaint lays a wish, a longing. To work towards constructive solutions and mutual fulfillment, you must both make an effort to let go of grudges and bitterness. You must give your partner the opportunity to try to 'fix it' or to make a repair attempt."
If there's any hope of saving the marriage, the husband must let his spouse try to fix things instead of just criticizing them.
7. Poor communication
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If a husband starts complaining about a lack of communication, his marriage is slipping. Because communication is like the cornerstone of relationships, and it's what their foundation is built upon, it's necessary for a healthy, successful marriage where both people clearly understand and respect each other. A marriage can only make it so long without communication.
In a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, researchers said, "Using four waves of data from a diverse sample of low-income newlywed couples, we assessed concurrent and longitudinal links between relationship satisfaction and spouses' observed positivity, negativity and effectiveness. Consistent with the idea that higher levels of satisfaction are associated with better communication, cross-sectional correlations at each of the four assessments were significant, such that more satisfied spouses showed more positive, less negative and more effective communication."
In other words, spouses that had positive, effective communication were more satisfied than those who weren't. This is hardly a surprise. A couple needs to be able to communicate well for a marriage to work. If they can't, it's probably not working, and that's what would lead a husband to complain.
8. Not having any fun together
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Fun can easily seem like an afterthought when there are so many other responsibilities to focus on in a marriage. After all, you have to take care of the "adulting" side of things and get the important things done.
You have jobs, bills, kids, families and so much more that needs your attention. But that doesn't mean having fun can just be placed on the back burner. Fun is an essential part of any healthy relationship.
Psychology professor David Ludden pointed out that no marriage is a storybook fairy tale where everything is perfect all the time. "People tend to have a set level of happiness in their lives," he said. "Major life events, such as the start of a new relationship, can boost mood significantly, but after a time we tend to drift back to our original level of happiness."
While a new relationship or new marriage may seem fun and exciting at first, it's just not going to stay that way, and people have to understand that. At the same time, if there's absolutely no fun left in a marriage, a husband will probably complain, and he has good reason to do so — his marriage is probably struggling.
9. Focusing all the attention on the kids
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Let's be honest — parents focusing on their kids is important. The younger they are, the more helpless and less independent they are, and they need ample support from the people who are responsible for taking care of them.
There's a chance, though, that a husband may grow resentful if he feels like the kids and the family as a whole are really all he and his spouse focus on, with no time or energy left over for each other. This could definitely cause complaining.
Licensed psychologist Donna Novak thinks that it's actually more important to focus on your marriage than your kids. That doesn't mean a couple should ignore their children, but it does mean their marriage should be their priority.
"With all [the] hustle and bustle of life with kids there is often so much going on," she said. "Overwhelm can become high and it can feel rather lonely when you are the only one focused on your children... However, when your marriage is your focus, that loneliness gets much less prominent because you can address things more with your partner."
The truth is, when you're married, that's always what should come first and be your number one priority. If a husband feels like that is not true of his marriage, then he will probably start complaining. It would really only be natural to do so.
Putting all of your focus on your kids can leave a marriage neglected, and it will eventually fall on hard times. No one would be surprised if a husband complained because of that.
10. His spouse being overly critical
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Your spouse is supposed to be the person you can turn to for unconditional love and support. Those feelings definitely don't come about as a result of constant criticism. And if a husband starts complaining about an overly critical spouse, his marriage is slipping.
A husband may feel like his spouse is being too critical, and whether it's true or not doesn't really matter. What does matter is that it is his perception, and it's hurting him.
Licensed therapist Jor-El Caraballo said it is a major red flag for spouses to criticize each other regularly. It may be necessary to share some constructive criticism or feedback every now and then, but making it a constant thing isn't helpful, it's hurtful. Licensed marriage and family therapist Shane Birkel added, "Criticism or name-calling is a huge boundary violation."
It's painful to receive constant criticism from the person who is supposed to be showing you love. If it goes too far, it could really be considered verbal abuse. That is unacceptable, and no one should feel like they have to put up with that.
11. Feeling like he's being controlled
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No one wants to feel like they're being controlled by their spouse. A relationship is supposed to have two sides, not just one. Whether the manipulation is serious or just something he perceives, a husband who feels like he's being controlled will definitely make some complaints about his marriage.
And, if he's feeling so stifled, it's not likely that the marriage will survive. But, if he really is being controlled, that's probably for the best.
Of course, there's a big difference between a spouse telling their husband to watch the kids while they go out and more dangerous forms of control. As health and wellness writer Hilary I. Lebow pointed out, true control tactics include things like micromanaging, forcing their choices on you, being overprotective, invading your privacy, blaming you for everything that goes wrong, criticizing, isolating, gaslighting and ignoring boundaries. If a spouse is doing those things, there's a serious reason for concern.
Still, lightly being told what to do and where to go is no walk in the park, and a husband will likely resist even that much control. This will lead to him complaining about his spouse and his marriage. And, honestly, if he feels like he's being controlled, it's probably not worth it, nor is it healthy, to stay in the relationship. It's time to move on for everyone's sake.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
