11 Things A Husband Starts Doing When He Feels Like His Marriage Is Draining His Soul
The well-being of a marriage depends on the well-being of both spouses.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A / Shutterstock When someone gets married, they have dreams of that relationship being perfect and lasting forever. Unfortunately, that’s not always how it goes. Over time, husbands and wives may find that their marriage is wearing them down and creating emotional disconnect. Some might even describe it as draining their souls.
When a husband feels this way, it’s particularly difficult because there’s a good chance that he struggles to communicate his feelings. Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, explained that this is what’s known as male alexithymia, or the struggle men face when it comes to discussing emotions. She said this largely comes about as a result of stereotypical masculinity and gender norms. In other words, because of the box that society has put men in, they often have a hard time sharing their emotions. This means that when a marriage is draining a husband’s soul, he may turn to avoidance and shut down instead of trying to work through the problems.
Here are 11 things a husband starts doing when he feels like his marriage is draining his soul
1. Cutting off communication
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One of the signs that a husband feels like his marriage is draining his soul, and probably one of the earliest to manifest, is that he will cut off communication with his spouse. We’ve already established that men may have a hard time communicating their feelings because of gender norms, but this goes beyond that. Usually, a husband can communicate on some level with his spouse. It’s necessary for any relationship to flourish. And, without it, the marriage crumbles.
Health and wellness writer Hilary I. Lebow noted that multiple things can contribute to feeling like you can’t communicate in a marriage, including trust issues, resentment, insecure attachment style, and finding it difficult to be vulnerable. Lebow compared the bitterness that can take root as a result to holding a suitcase. You can hold it with no problem for a while, but eventually it becomes too much.
If a husband goes from freely and easily communicating with his spouse to barely talking at all, it’s likely that he feels like his marriage is draining his soul. He has nothing left to give, and his silence speaks louder than any words ever could. This lack of communication is a sure sign that he’s just not on board with what’s going on anymore and is looking for a way out.
2. Spending all his time with his friends
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Spending time together is part of marriage. You can’t have a successful relationship if you’re always apart, especially if it’s by choice. But a husband who is unhappy will naturally start to pull away and look for alternative ways to spend his time. One of the best ways for him to do this is to spend time with the guys instead of with his spouse or even with his family as a whole.
Life and relationship coach Lena Hardy discussed the reasons why a man may choose to spend time with his friends over his partner. “People tend to gravitate towards people and things that make them the happiest,” she said. “When your husband chooses to spend more time with his friends, working on his car, or doing some other activity than spending time with you, it might signal that he is unhappy with you for some reason.”
If a husband feels unhappy in his marriage, he’ll look for other outlets and ways to spend his time. As harsh as it sounds, he won’t want to spend his time with someone who is not contributing to his happiness, and if he feels that way about his spouse, he’ll avoid them in favor of his friends. It’s also possible that he sees his friends as a good alternative because they aren’t always asking him how he’s doing or demanding that they have deep conversations. Instead, he can relax and unwind, which may be what he prefers when his marriage is literally draining his soul.
3. Easily losing his temper
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Some people naturally have a shorter fuse than others, and that fact could certainly play a role in a husband losing his temper easily. However, if it’s out of character for him and happening regularly, it’s likely because his marriage is feeling draining to him. He doesn’t have the patience that he once did when everything felt good in the relationship, and he snaps easily. Maybe it’s not even his intention to do so, but he’s going to get angry much more easily.
Health and wellness writer Elizabeth Plumptre noted that having a short temper affects more than just your relationships with others. It can actually impact your own well-being. So, if a husband is losing his temper easily, he could deal with increased blood pressure, a higher risk of car accidents, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. These issues can be serious and come with dangerous consequences.
It can be frustrating and, in some cases, even frightening to live with someone who loses their temper at the drop of a hat. This can make a marriage nothing short of toxic. If it’s bad enough, it could lead to the end of the marriage. Maybe that’s what the husband wants if the marriage is draining his soul, but there’s also a possibility that he wants to mend things, and his temper won’t help that any.
4. Putting his own needs first
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Part of loving someone is putting their needs before your own. But if a husband feels like his marriage is draining his soul, he’s likely to put his own needs first. Although this doesn’t necessarily mean that he no longer loves his spouse, it does mean that his priorities have shifted. He sees his spouse as the reason for the drain on his soul, and he’s choosing to put himself first and ensure his own needs are met.
Putting yourself first doesn’t have to be a bad thing, although society often presents it that way. Justin Kompf, PhD, the fitness director for WeightWatchers, explained this through the lens of making time to exercise. “So why do we feel guilty about taking 30 minutes for ourselves?” he asked. “Only you can answer that because your situation is unique to you, but often, it boils down to past learned behavior through experience. This past experience leads to standards and then to identity. If these past standards include taking care of everyone else before you and an identity as a caregiver, behaving incongruently with this identity causes discomfort — perhaps in the form of guilt.”
It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself and your own needs, as Kompf pointed out. However, when a husband completely ignores the needs of his spouse, it shows a lack of love and consideration on his part. This is only natural if the marriage has become draining for him and he basically can’t stand it anymore. It’s a delicate balance between making sure you take care of yourself and that you’re there for the people who are important to you, but attempting that balance pretty much goes out the window when a husband feels like his marriage is draining his soul.
5. Withholding physical affection
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If someone feels like their husband is hugging, kissing, and touching them less, and just being less affectionate in general, there’s a good chance that it’s because he feels like something is off in the marriage. He may even describe it as draining his soul. Because he no longer feels connected to his spouse, he’s just naturally going to be less physically affectionate. Think about it. Would you hug a stranger? Well, there’s a chance that your husband feels like you are a stranger to him.
“Touch starvation is what happens when you don’t get enough physical contact with another person, and it can occur even when you’re in a relationship,” Ariane Resnick, CNC, said. “Also known as skin hunger, touch starvation can have really detrimental effects on mental health so it’s important to take notice if you’re experiencing prolonged phases without this type of contact and to ask for it from others. Just a couple of hugs a day can really help.”
A lack of physical affection can have a major impact on a person and really make things hard for them. Unfortunately, it’s a vicious cycle, because no one feels like giving physical affection when they don’t feel connected to someone and like they’re on the same page. Just being married isn’t enough. Instead, you also have to have that emotional attachment for it to feel right.
6. Feeling depressed
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A husband who feels like his marriage is draining his soul has a pretty good chance of starting to feel depressed. After all, the most important relationship in his life feels like it is falling apart and causing more problems than it is worth. Many of the other points discussed here can be associated with depression, like not communicating well or withdrawing into himself. The depression a husband may experience can go beyond that, though.
To determine if you’re dealing with clinical depression or just struggling through marriage blues, licensed psychotherapist Amber Robinson recommended a little test. “We cannot say what does or does not cause depression, however being in an unhappy relationship can definitely lead to depressive symptoms,” she said. “Ask yourself, if you woke up tomorrow and magically felt better, what would have changed? If the answer has to do exclusively with your relationship, it is likely that is what is making you unhappy.”
Still, mental health is a complicated thing, and even if it’s one’s marriage that is making them unhappy, that could still be causing depressive symptoms for them. It’s a complex situation. Whatever the medical answer is, a husband who feels like his marriage is draining him could be experiencing depression, or at the very least, deep unhappiness. The one relationship that he’s supposed to be able to count on is no longer working well, so it’s understandable.
7. Using work as a distraction
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Similar to spending all of his time with his friends and away from home, a husband who feels like his marriage is draining his soul may attempt to distract himself with work. It’s the place he spends the most time at other than home, and he may find it easier to just bury himself in tasks and responsibilities there instead of facing the way his marriage is falling apart. The more he takes on at work, the more time he can spend at the office, which is blessed time spent away from his problems at home.
Nikesha Elise Williams wrote about her own experience using work as an escape from trauma, using the time she worked from the hospital right after giving birth as an example. “It’s because productivity fuels me in a way little else does,” she said, noting that it all started when her parents got divorced. “Whenever that feeling of instability appears in my life as an adult, work is my default. Overworking drowns the noise of my mind and the feelings of my heart by giving both something else to focus on.”
Although it may not be healthy, a man struggling in his marriage may use work as a coping mechanism. Instead of dealing with the difficult emotions he is feeling, he can just throw himself into his work and go above and beyond. This will make him feel like he is both being successful and productive and take his mind off of the hard things.
8. Avoiding talking about deep things
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Maybe a husband is still communicating, but it’s all just surface-level. He doesn’t want to discuss anything too deeply. A simple “How was your day?” or “How did the kids do on their math test?” is fine, but you won’t hear him talking about the actual issues facing the marriage. Or, if a couple is used to having deep, vulnerable conversations, he’ll suddenly stop and pull away from that.
Psychotherapist Jennifer Gerlach, LCSW, discussed how it can feel like the right thing to do in the moment to avoid those tougher topics, but it doesn’t help at all in the long run. “When it comes to difficult conversations, the intuition might be to skip them,” she said. “Yet, by not speaking up, problems often compound each other, damaging vital relationships. Without clear communication, people tend to draw assumptions, and due to the human bias toward negativity, those conclusions might not be accurate or helpful.”
So, while a husband struggling in his marriage may think that it’s best to avoid talking about deeper topics, this actually isn’t true. It will feel easier, but it won’t help any. It will likely only make the marital problems even worse. As we’ve established, communication is necessary for any relationship to work. Simply shutting that down completely or only engaging in small talk can be detrimental to the marriage.
9. No longer contributing to the family
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A husband who feels like his marriage is draining him may check out of his home life completely. This could include his interactions with other members of the family beyond just his spouse, like his kids. He’ll stop being an active, involved dad and just kind of check out. Physically, he’s there, but mentally, he’s far away. This is a difficult situation because it means the kids are also feeling the tension present in their parents’ marriage, which can be hurtful for them.
According to health and wellness writer Sarah Barkley, “Children depend on their parents and expect them to meet their needs. When this doesn’t happen, even in adulthood, it could lead to feeling disconnected.”
Therapist Grace Olivia Dickman, LCSW, added that even when someone feels disconnected from their family, they can still make an effort to remain as close as possible. She recommended “practicing emotional vulnerability in small doses with your family. Share your feelings, ask meaningful questions about their well-being or pull in a resource you learned in therapy.”
Sure, if a husband is working, he’s still financially contributing to his family. But that doesn’t mean he’s contributing in any other way, and those other, deeper ways are often more meaningful. This causes the feelings of detachment to go beyond just his spouse, but also extend to his children. They could come to resent him for not being more involved or acting like he doesn’t care.
10. Resenting what he gave up for the marriage to work
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All relationships require sacrifice and compromise. It’s very possible that a husband who feels drained by his marriage gave up something to try to make it work earlier on. Maybe he had a new job offer, but it was out of state, or he had dropped some friends his spouse didn’t like. Whatever it was that he gave up, he’ll come to resent doing that when the marriage isn’t fulfilling anyway. It will feel like it was all worthless to him.
Writing for UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Magazine, Amie M. Gordon said, “Close relationships require sacrifice. In fact, many people include sacrificing in the very definition of what it means to truly love another person — and indeed, research has shown that couples are happier and more likely to remain in their relationships if the partners are willing to sacrifice for each other.”
At the beginning of a relationship, when you look at everything through rose-colored glasses, making sacrifices and compromises for the relationship to work doesn’t seem like a big deal. After all, you desperately want the relationship to work, so you’re willing to give some things up. But, if the relationship stops working and feels more like a burden than a blessing, a husband will likely resent whatever he gave up. That will inevitably lead to him also resenting his spouse.
11. Withdrawing inward
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If a marriage feels like it is draining a husband’s soul, it would be very easy for him to withdraw inward and move away from his family emotionally. This may present as those depressive symptoms mentioned earlier. It will also appear to be a lack of communication and vulnerability. The husband won’t be as involved with his spouse or kids, and instead will become pensive and introspective. He won’t be an active husband or father anymore.
Author Bob Taibbi, LCSW, confirmed that depression can be one of the biggest reasons for withdrawing inwardly. Other factors, such as anger, burnout, and avoidance, can also contribute to this issue. In some cases, withdrawal can be a result of taking time for serious self-reflection, which is healthy at times.
A husband who feels drained by his marriage may withdraw for any of these reasons, or perhaps a mix of several. It’s simply too painful to be fully present in the marriage, so he pulls away and withdraws. Maybe he is angry, or maybe he really is experiencing burnout. Regardless, he’ll become much quieter and more focused on himself. Although if he’s using this time for reflection, it could lead to the breakthrough his marriage needs.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
