8 Harsh Truths You Only Learn After Getting A Divorce
The painful truth just makes it easier to heal.
Bricolage | Shutterstock There's a certain level of shock and taboo that comes with a marriage ending in divorce. Maybe arguments became bitter, communication started lacking, or everyday tasks felt too overwhelming. Whatever the cause, when a marriage is over and the papers are signs, what is there to do next?
Divorce isn't a walk in the park — any divorcee will tell you that. But rather than think you've failed, there are harsh truths you only learn after getting a divorce that become clear once the dust settles. And once you understand these truths, you'll find the healing process much easier and rewarding.
Here are 8 harsh truths you only learn after getting a divorce
1. Divorce isn't always someone's fault
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A lot of people like to think that there's one bad guy in every divorce. This is not always true, but a lot of people tend to think that it's a universal truth. While some divorces do have one partner who is the "bad guy," both are usually great people in their own right but just didn't work well together. And that's okay.
In fact, research published in Conflict Resolution Quarterly found that when people are kind to themselves in the midst of a divorce, they have an easier time managing their daily difficulties. So, it's important to realize that people trying to place blame are just being ignorant, and you know the real truth of the situation.
2. There's a chance you'll see a side of your ex you never thought possible
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Breakups make peoples' claws come out — it's one of the extremely harsh truths you only learn after getting a divorce. Often unexpectedly, in pretty brutal and cruel ways. You may not be able to recognize your ex when you plunk those papers down on the table. This could mean a lot of things, including verbal or physical threats, coldness, and badmouthing.
It's essential to guard yourself, your belongings, and your rights. If you need to, get video evidence of what your ex is doing. Store it with a lawyer. Don't act in a way that would give your ex ammunition. You need a lawyer, even if you don't think you do, because it's shocking how fast "amicable" divorces can become acrimonious. Let your lawyer guide you.
3. When you first live alone again, you may notice how still and quiet your home is
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After spending years or even decades with a person, it can feel shocking to come back to an empty, quiet home. But it won't be forever, it just takes some getting used to. You may find it calming to get a pet or even curate a playlist to keep you from losing your mind.
Psychologists from the American Psychological Association recommend taking good care of yourself. "Tap into your support network, turning to family and friends for assistance and comfort... To stay positive as you start a new chapter, try getting involved in activities you used to love but haven't done in a while. Or try new hobbies and activities," they explained.
4. Use your divorce as a way to get reacquainted with yourself
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We all tend to lose ourselves in relationships — or, at the very least, curb some behaviors as a result of being married to someone. Now that you're divorced, you can get in touch with all the things that you stopped doing.
Maybe that means playing video games your spouse hated, eating food they would never try, or taking up hobbies you gave up. Be sure to remind yourself that your value doesn't change based on your marital status. Seriously. Take time to repeat this. And should you get into another relationship, this time for self-improvement may help you avoid this outcome the next time around.
5. Take time to trim out other things that aren't working well for you
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Spring cleaning is not just a home thing, so after getting a divorce, take this time to improve your life in other areas, too. Things like improving your diet, working out, or even just tossing out stuff you once cared about can all help you start fresh — and that's really what a divorce should be: a fresh start.
Divorce tends to be a moment where you look at all the other connections you have that have been bad to you. If your in-laws were toxic, you can now breathe a sigh of relief that you never have to see them again. You should also keep an eye on who's supporting you during this time. Friends who don't care, distance themselves, cut you down, or don't offer assistance are not worth keeping.
6. People tend to stigmatize divorce to the point it might make you an outcast
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Because of the stigma people place on divorced individuals, the things people say or think about you will make you feel vulnerable. What's weird is that the same people who are distancing themselves from you now will probably turn around and be friendly with you years later after you've moved on and things have settled down.
One of the harsh truths you only learn after getting a divorce is that a lot of people assume that it's contagious, or that your breakup will influence their relationships for one reason or another. But don't allow the insecurities of others to define you. After all, as licensed clinical psychologist Ann Gold Buscho explained, "Normalizing divorce can reduce the stigma associated with it and foster a more supportive environment for those going through it."
7. No one can tell you how to grieve or to 'get over it'
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If your divorce is like most out there, it will feel like the worst breakup you've ever had in your life. You might cry tears you didn't even know you had. Unfortunately, because it's one of the very harsh truths you only learn after getting a divorce, people will eventually get tired of hearing your updates on the divorce and may even tell you to "get over it."
It's absolutely fine to take time to grieve your marriage. Most of the time, though, you're grieving what you wished could have been rather than what really was. The longer you're away from your ex, the more you realize that the thing you're crying over didn't exist.
8. Divorce doesn't mean you failed, it means you put yourself first
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Marriage is not supposed to be martyrdom. When they say "til death do us part," they don't mean that you should stay even if your partner might destroy your will to live. It's an act of kindness to both yourself and your partner to leave. Some people will look down on you for being divorced, but don't buy into it.
Divorce means that you realize you have to walk away from someone who just isn't working with you — and that's an act of self-love. Somewhere out there, there's probably a partner or lifestyle that your ex wants more. As for you? You'll look back at your divorce and realize it was the right call.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
