4 Things Divorced People Feel Such Deep Shame About — Even When They Know It Was The Right Move
Even when the divorce brings relief, these feelings have a way of creeping in.
Getty Images | Unsplash According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. With so many getting divorced, why does it seem to inspire such feelings of guilt and shame? It’s become such a common occurrence in modern society that it seems strange that a marriage breaking up still holds such a social stigma… yet, oddly enough, it does.
Comedian Louis C.K. hilariously noted this disparity when he pointed out that: “Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and ... they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be sad. But that has happened zero times.”
We asked a panel of professional divorce coaches the big question — “Why are we so ashamed of getting divorced? Divorce Experts Laura Bonarrigo, Sonja Stribling, Cherie Morris, and Pegotty Cooper discussed the root causes of our societal divorce guilt and debated whether or not they’re valid reasons for inspiring such self-critical emotions. (Some are, some aren’t.)
Here are four things divorced people feel shame about, even if it was the right move:
1. 'Divorce went against my values'
This doesn’t mean that divorce is a bad thing (at all). But it’s fair to say that most cultural and religious institutions are not big advocates for the benefits of divorce. No religion endorses divorce (though some are softening their attitudes towards it), and most governments incentivize people to get and stay married (through tax breaks and other means).
So, even though nearly half of married couples get divorced, our societal institutions have yet to adopt more open-minded and empathetic attitudes towards divorce. This means that when we decide to get a divorce, it feels like we’re not being supported by society.
2. 'Divorce felt like failure'
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We don’t deal with failure well, do we? Even if it’s done for the best reasons, divorce does, in many ways, represent a broken promise. “We said we’d be together forever and… we’re not.”
In reality, divorce is more like just moving on from an unsatisfying relationship. Things have come to an end, we’re heartbroken, and it’s the healthy choice to try something new. But, because you stood in front of your friends and said “I do,” the whole break-up can feel more like a step backward than a step forward (even if the opposite is true).
3. 'Divorce impacted our kids'
This is sometimes the most potent source of divorce-shame — the feeling that, by getting a divorce, you’ve somehow let down your children or deprived them of a loving family.
Often, in these situations, we feel like we didn’t do enough to keep the family together, even though, in reality, it can be much more detrimental for the family in the long run to keep the parents in a dysfunctional relationship.
The key to dealing with this kind of divorce guilt is just showing your children, through your words and actions, that divorce doesn’t have to tear a family apart. Even if you don’t like your partner anymore, if you keep your divorce civil and professional for your children, you’ll be able to leave the proceedings with your head held high.
4. 'Divorce wasn't supported by my community'
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You’d think that people would be used to divorce by now, but, more often than not, our friends and family struggle when it comes to supporting people going through a rough break-up. Divorces make people uneasy. They don’t know how to offer help.
But how great would it be if our community didn’t automatically have such a negative reaction to divorce? What if their response to hearing that you’re getting a divorce was “Congratulations!” or “How can I help?”
If we can all stop seeing divorce as a cause for embarrassment and instead just start viewing it as a normal transition point in life, we would (hopefully) start supporting each other more and stop treating divorce as a shameful thing. Divorce can be an isolating, confidence-shattering act, but it doesn’t have to be.
More than anything, we should see divorce as an opportunity, as an act of hope. Getting divorced opens doors to new relationships and possibilities — it shouldn’t be something that causes us shame or guilt. It’s just the start of a new chapter in our lives, and with the support of our family and community, we can feel proud about our decision to take those next steps into the future.
Laura Bonarrigo is a divorce coach who helps clients build trust, inspire confidence and calm, and instill long-term vision and objectives through separation.
Dr. Sonja Stribling is a Licensed Clinical Faith-based Counselor specializing in empowering women to discover and use their inner POWER to ascend to the next level in their career, relationships, and life.
Cherie Morris is a divorce coach, parent coordinator, lawyer, and yoga teacher, as well as an author and speaker.
Pegotty and Randy Cooper are divorce coaches, the founders of the CDC Certified Divorce Coach® Training and Certification Program, and authors of Divorce: Overcome the Overwhelm and Avoid the Six Biggest Mistakes in Divorce - Insights from Personal Divorce Coaches.
