If He’s Doing These 10 Things, He’s Betraying You In All The Worst Ways, According To Psychology
Some betrayals cut deeper than others.
Henry Tuchez | Unsplash When we think of betrayal in a marriage, we automatically think of extramarital affairs. When a friend announces that their marriage is over, the first thing we wonder is if they are having an affair. But we don’t consider the multitude of ways disloyalty creeps into a marriage, causing equal devastation.
He can cheat on you without being with anyone else. That’s right. Disloyalty in a marriage is a form of cheating, and it isn’t about intimacy; it's called emotional cheating. Emotional betrayal is a slow, marital death. While an extra-marital affair is like a shot in the heart, consistent disloyalty is like arrows in your back.
If he’s doing these things, he’s betraying you in all the worst ways:
1. He talks about you behind your back
How do you know? There are subtle changes in the people around you. Whether it’s friends, his co-workers, or his family, you notice a gradual change in their attitude toward you.
They may begin to treat you with less respect and more sarcasm. They may begin showing signs of unwarranted aggression toward you. You’re confused because you used to have a solid relationship with this person (people). It’s not you; it’s a sure sign someone is complaining about you behind your back.
2. He gambles the family money away
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His gambling habit has become a hobby. You have no idea how much money is lost in the black hole of his gambling habit. Who knows how much time he’s spending gambling, for example, card playing, betting on sports events, going to the casino, or betting on his own sports skills?
This betrayal stems from a violation of trust, particularly if the gambling was done secretly and the family was unaware of the individual's addiction and the extent of financial mismanagement. A UK study explained that the economic consequences of gambling can lead to intense anger and rage, particularly if the family has suffered significant financial strain or debt.
Here’s the thing. He’s gambling away your and the children’s future. I can hardly think of anything more disloyal than that.
3. He makes major decisions without consulting you
Has your husband ever made an important decision that affects the whole family, without consulting you? Mine did, and here’s how I found out: My husband and I went on holiday with our good friends, who were Ethel and Fred, to our Lucy and Ricky.
Somehow, the topic of having more babies came up. I said to Ethel and Fred that we were going to have one more baby. That’s when the conversation took a bizarre turn.
The Mertzs' began asking, "Why do you want more? You’ve got one of each. No, you shouldn’t have anymore. It would be a mistake." Much to my horror, my husband sat silently nodding in agreement with them! He didn’t want another baby. I felt betrayed.
Here’s the thing: the conversation about whether to have another baby should be one of the most intimate and private conversations you have with your spouse. How did these friends get into this decision, and why did they have so much weight on something that had nothing to do with them?
4. He places higher importance on his friends, job, or acquaintances
As in the above example, placing more importance on what the Mertzs' thought than his wife, my ex failed to create or respect any relationship boundaries.
So, if given a choice and your husband often chooses other people or events over you, it’s only a matter of time before you feel cheated. It’s especially concerning if he’s easily enamored and eager to impress others, leaving you in the dust.
While prioritizing friends over family can be hurtful and cause conflict, it's not necessarily a betrayal in an inherently psychological sense. Research suggests that strong family relationships provide support, security, and a sense of belonging. However, individual needs and values can differ, and prioritizing friendships can validly express those needs.
5. He disappears without a word
When I sprained my ankle, my husband went to the drug store and picked up some crutches for me. Nice, right? Wrong. They were too big for me, and if you’ve ever used crutches, you know that if they don’t fit properly, they’re uncomfortable.
The moment he brought them home, he turned on his heel and went out to his club, leaving me home with the children all day. When I needed him, he disappeared.
6. He blurts out embarrassing things about you in a social setting
Hey, we all have skeletons, and the last thing we need is for our spouse to bring them up with our friends and family at random, unexpected moments. Maybe he does this to build himself up at your expense.
But whatever the reason, you’re the one with your belly exposed. Isn’t that a breach of trust?
One study explained that blurting out embarrassing or shameful details about yourself in a social setting, especially those considered private family information, can be perceived as a betrayal, particularly when it damages trust and intimacy within the family. This can lead to shame, guilt, and awkwardness for the person who blurts out the information and for family members who may be embarrassed or feel violated.
7. He spends time with people you don’t know
Of course, we all have some friends that our spouse isn’t involved with. I’m not saying a person shouldn’t have their friends; I am saying, however, that if your spouse goes to lengths to keep you separate from that person(s), it’s a red flag. He may be hiding something from you.
8. He often breaks promises
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He finds reasons why he didn’t get around to doing something he promised. All. The. Time.
This could be small things or big things, but either way, you’re left feeling cheated. Actions or lack thereof, speak louder than words, and that’s a fact.
Breaking promises can significantly impact relationships and lead to feelings of betrayal, impacting both the individual who made the promise and the family members who were promised something. A 2023 study explained that broken promises can undermine trust, erode self-esteem, and create vulnerability and insecurity within the family unit.
9. His business is vague
His business associates, meetings, and out-of-town trips are vague. If he isn’t discussing his business with you in any fashion, what is he hiding? Plus, this could apply to other secrets as well. Although it’s not unnatural to have some secrets from your spouse, you shouldn’t feel that your spouse is an enigma.
10. He’s an addict
He has an addiction to any of the following: drugs, alcohol, gambling, golf, adult videos, or work. An addiction always comes first for the addict at the cost of everything and everyone else. An addict betrays trust and is disloyal to the ones closest to him. Although it can be overcome in some cases, often it is the spouse and loved ones who suffer.
According to 2020 research, addiction can create feelings of betrayal within families due to the erosion of trust, manipulation, and the impact on family dynamics. The addict's behaviors, like lying and isolating themselves, can cause significant emotional distress and damage to relationships. Families may also experience feelings of helplessness and fear, leading to enabling behaviors that perpetuate the addiction.
So, cheating and disloyalty aren’t always about intimacy, after all. We can’t say "he was a decent man because he didn’t have an affair." No, because if he is doing any of these 10 things, he is cheating. He’s cheating you out of your trust, faith, and friendship. Disloyalty is one of the subtlest yet cruelest ways a spouse cheats.
What can we learn from this? We can spot early warning signs that he's emotionally cheating and betraying you. Instead of worrying about another woman, we can understand that cheating can happen without intimacy.
We can learn what to look for in our next relationship to make it last. We know now, our new partner should provide protection instead of exposure, reverence instead of disdain, respect instead of contempt, and trust instead of suspicion. If indifference breeds disloyalty, then it’s love that allows for fidelity.
Lisa Thompson is a blogger and the author of divorce self-help books and short stories.
