2 Critical Ways To Kick Past Trauma Out Of Your Relationship For Good

You have to let go of the past in order to look forward to the future.

Man thinking about kicking past trauma out of his relationship Andrii Iemelyanenko | Canva

Many people assume that two people getting into a relationship with equally harsh upbringings and past trauma is a recipe for disaster. This may be true for some couples, but this isn't the case for everyone. While it seems like a black cloud is hovering over their heads, this couple can actually rise above their past trauma together creating a recipe for love and security with their strong and empathetic bond. 


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Former SVP of YourTango Experts Melanie Gorman, premarital, marital, and infidelity recovery counselor Jim Walkup, psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin, couple therapist and author Dr. Colene Sawyer Schlaepfer, and individual and relational recovery therapist Argie Spuck say that couples with past trauma can have a happy and healthy relationship like anyone else. Here are two key things they say will create that caring space of security and happiness.

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Here are 2 smart ways to kick past trauma out of your relationship for good:

1. Be curious

Ask your partner about his/her past trauma. Perhaps your partner hasn't spoken to anyone about it and feels he/she needs to get out. Be willing to hear what your partner endured and make it known that it's safe to tell you what happened. Sharing your stories will help you create a secure bond without room for pain.

@ryans_truth_ Talking to your partner about their trauma can feel intimidating but it’s definitely not impossible. Here’s one of many ways you can approach the conversation #ryanstruth #relationship #vulnerable #love #trauma ♬ original sound - Ryan

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2. Get out of victim-mode

While you're never going to forget your past trauma, you must accept that it's in your past. Trust your partner and get comfortable expressing affection, emotions, and gratitude for him/her. "If you have a clear understanding of where you came from, how it's impacting you — to learn from it, not to place blame — and to just really come to accept where you are and where your partner is ... then it's easier to feel gratitude for everything ... It's all part of what molds us, and it all influences who we've become," explains Argie Spuck. 

@kat.eleftheriou Letting go of your past self. Moving forward in life. Not abandoning yourself. Accepting your past self. #personaldevelopment #selfawareness #mindfulness #personalgrowth #alignment #selfacceptance #lettinggo #selflove #selfcare ♬ original sound - Kat

If you or somebody that you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there is a way to get help. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text "HELLO" to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.


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Melanie Gorman is the former Senior VP of YourTango Experts. Dr. Jim Walkup helps couples build their relationship to last a lifetime and has been a marriage counselor for 40 years. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychological Approach To Couples Therapy(PACT). He specializes in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. Argie Spuck is a counselor and therapist with over 17 years of experience who helps her clients create the relationship of their dreams.  Colene Sawyer Schlaepfer, MFT, Ph.D., has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for 40 years and is the author of Fishing by Moonlight, The Art of Enhancing Intimate Relationships.