10 Common 'Need-To-Win' Fight Styles That Turn Every Argument Into A Power Struggle
Spot the tactics, and learn simple moves to stop the wine-or-lose cycle.

Basic relationship advice says that all intimate partners have conflicts from time to time. Disagreements are stressful for everyone, and, depending on how partners treat each other during those conflicts, they will either bring a couple closer together or increase the emotional distance between them.
Disputes that lead to greater understanding and new perspectives can actually increase excitement and continuing discovery in a committed relationship. As they become a mutually supportive team when they are in conflict, they begin to come up with innovative solutions to problems they had not been able to resolve in the past.
10 common 'need-to-win' fight styles that turn every argument into a power struggle:
1. The silent treatment
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Often accompanied by crossed arms and a supercilious expression, the silent treatment is one of the 'need-to-win' fighting styles designed to get the other partner to reveal their thoughts and feelings without doing so themselves.
As the silent partner stays disconnected, the other partner’s distress tends to escalate, giving the winning edge to the one who stays hidden. Research on the effects of silent treatment has shown that silence or stonewalling when discussing problems in a relationship negatively impacts commitment levels.
2. Invalidation
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When feeling attacked or unnerved, many people fight back by challenging and devaluing any reasons the other partner has for feeling the way they do.
These focused fighters often bring in other people’s confirmations of their own point of view to beef up their position or go after the ways their partner has failed in the past. The goal of this fighting style is to create self-doubt in the other person.
3. Escalation
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In most relationships, one partner tends to be more dominant, more able to be direct, and stronger in the way they feel and think. These people are often in relationships with partners to tend to be quieter, more methodical, and more reflective before they voice their opinions.
When these couples argue, the need-to-win dominant partner is highly likely to use powerful and intense energy to escalate the argument into greater emotional intensity. The other partner’s ability to fight back is quickly overpowered. The need to win often indicates lower emotional intelligence, as explored by a study that found people who avoid a mutually beneficial compromise "were more likely to endorse using pressing, compensating, and inaction techniques."
4. Piling on other issues
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When need-to-win partners feel they might be losing an argument, they often respond by diverting their opponents to other issues. They may do so by rehashing the past, talking about other problems, or trying to get the other partner to focus on their own flaws.
The goal of bringing up additional issues is to confuse the one at hand by overloading the situation with past conflicts that are not pertinent at the time. When this fighting strategy works, the other partner cannot stay on point and is unable to resolve the initial issue.
5. Character assassination
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When they feel cornered and lose a fight, many need-to-win fighters resort to this effective but terribly destructive response. Instead of sticking to the situation at hand, they challenge the other partner as to how they are basically flawed in some way, using every example they can to drive in their point.
They attempt to convince the other partner that their core personality deficits make them unworthy of challenging the issue at hand or any others. The response of the accused is usually feeling as if they are on a symbolic witness stand, defending those painful, devaluing judgments.
6. Arguing from a distance
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The farther away partners are from each other during a conflict, the easier it is for either of them to hurl accusations and insults without feeling responsible for the effect on the other. The distance also allows the need-to-win partner who claims it to more easily assess the weakness of the other and to take a more protected stance.
It can alleviate guilt because the intimacy of closeness is diluted, and responsibility for causing pain is easier to ignore. Research from the American Psychological Association explained how this behavior can be seen as gaslighting, which was "associated with a diminished sense of self, mistrust of others, and on occasion, post‐traumatic growth."
7. Hitting below the belt
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During any disagreement, partners who care for each other know what they can use in an argument and what they must never say, no matter how heated the conflict becomes. They trust each other to never use the special knowledge they have of one another’s deepest vulnerabilities to win an argument.
The most serious and relationship-destructive conflicts occur when one or both partners break that trust by using the sacred information they know about the other to gain an unfair advantage during a confrontation.
8. Martyrdom
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An insidious but often effective strategy to win a fight is to begin beating oneself up on the other end of any accusation or challenge. Then they can blame the other partner for the exaggerated self-destruction.
These kinds of fighters act as if the other’s accusations were much worse than they were intended to make the attacking partner feel guilty, and then back down. Research showed that this type of psychological aggression can affect mental health, physical health, personality traits, and increase physical and psychological aggression.
9. Intimidation
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In any committed relationship, threats of abandonment, exile, and escalated aggressiveness are need-to-win fighting styles. These fighting styles are intended to make the other partner feel insecure and fearful of loss.
The goal is to use the response to have them focus on what might be lost if the fight continues. A study in Experimental Social Psychology explored how people "cope with threats to their romantic relationships by prioritizing self-protection goals over connectedness goals."
10. Feigned indifference to the outcome
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Whether they feel differently inside or not, partners who pretend they don’t care about whether they win or lose can actually win an argument by acting as if they are giving in without really agreeing. The other partners can feel the ruse and know that they have essentially been robbed of power or influence by the “playing dead” posture of the other.
Romantic partners who have learned communication skills and how to argue productively while maintaining respect for each other during their conflicts can create a new emotional universe that neither partner could have created alone.
In contrast, many romantic partners fight in ways that consistently hurt their relationship. Soon into any dispute, one or both become need-to-win combatants, establishing their superior position at the expense of their partners.
As these kinds of disagreements escalate, these combatants use any behaviors and strategies they can muster to win the argument in any way they can. The result of these adversarial styles is often mutual isolation, unresolved anger, and painful wounds.
Need-to-win fighting styles are often unconscious behaviors that are learned in childhood and continue in subsequent relationships. Many people are not even aware of when or where they learned to fight this way or why they continue to do so. They can easily see they are having constant difficulty resolving their relationship disputes, but they have not connected their need-to-win fighting style, itself, with that lack of successful outcomes.
When I am able to point them out to couples as they emerge in their interactions, they are often surprised when they see that the way they fight is the actual culprit behind their lack of ability to adequately resolve their disagreements.
When they understand that a different way of handling disputes can turn them from adversarial combatants to a mutually effective debate team, they are very often enthusiastic to learn how to do that.
None of these "need to win" fighting styles will ever lead to a productive resolution of conflict. Rather than the partners listening, respecting, or being open to each other’s experience, they continue to see only their own positions and do whatever they can to wipe out the other’s reasonableness.
The arguments that ensue from these no-win battles create deepening grooves of resentment that become harder to overcome over time. Once these negative fighting styles are identified and stopped, couples can begin to deal with conflict in more productive ways.
Dr. Randi Gunther is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor who helps singles and couples. She is the author of the newsletter Heroic Love.