12 Subtle Relationship Issues That Are Actually Huge Warnings, According To Experts
The subtle signs point to major problems beneath the surface.
Ketut Subiyanto | Canva You meet someone new. You make eye contact. Was that just a smile, or an invitation? The spark is there. That familiar stomach flutter, the flush of excitement ... this could turn out well.
You go on a first date. The spark begins to glow brighter. You're seeing each other regularly now. It's fun. It's promising. It begins to feel real. But then ... whoa. They did or said something that seemed completely out of character.
That's not the person you thought you were dating. Alarm bells ring. Something is off about this. Is it you? Is it them? It couldn't be you. Yes, it's them. Don't ignore your intuition, research recommends. If it all feels wrong, if your new love interest exhibits a character trait or behavior that suddenly brings all those warm, fuzzy feelings to a screeching halt, don't walk away — run.
Here are 12 subtle relationship issues that are huge warnings, according to experts:
1. If a partner is overly critical or negative
If you are starting to fall for a new love and he is critical and negative, run for the hills. That kind of energy will bring you down, too.
—Janet Whitney, LMFT, and author
2. If a partner is spineless
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Behavior that should make you run is when a potential partner has no opinion of their own. They agree with you about everything, and it seems magical, but this is love bombing or comes from a lack of confidence, and the occurrences in which they bite their tongue and go along with what you want to accumulate over time until they snap.
It’s one thing to be empathetic and compassionate and another to have no backbone.
-—Erika Jordan, love coach and NLP
3. If a partner is dishonest
The terms authenticity, transparency, integrity, and fearlessness all lead to the same requirement for a healthy relationship — honesty. Regardless of whether you are meeting someone new or have been in a relationship for years, the lack of ability to be radically honest will always lead to eventual demise.
Honesty is extremely important to relationship satisfaction. Studies have shown that couples who cease to lie to each other for a measured period reported smoother interactions and improved relationships.
Better to stop the pursuit than to chase after an imaginary person. FYI, the same goes for you. If you can't be honest, do your work first, then consider a relationship.
—Larry Michel, marriage and couples counselor
4. If a partner has a wandering eye
If a man checks out other women when he's speaking with you, please dump him now. Even if his head doesn't swivel, imagine your future with a man who is incapable of a deep emotional connection with you, which makes him indifferent to other potential lovers. The joyous, intimate connection that keeps love strong for a lifetime requires emotional bonding, not comparative shopping.
5. If a partner doesn't accept responsibility
All sociopaths lie, and you don't want to get involved with a sociopath. The problem, however, is that you may not know right away that you're being lied to.
So, the second trait to look for is blaming. If your new love interest blames everyone else for his or her problems and never takes responsibility, it could be a sign of a personality disorder. Other signs, according to research, could be moving too fast in the relationship or an unstable self-image.
—Donna Andersen, relationship coach
6. If a partner is inconsistent
If the new person you're seeing says they'll call but forgets, or you hear from them a lot and then they disappear for weeks, this is a big red flag.
These behaviors demonstrate they are not serious about finding love, and possibly not serious about you, either. You want someone who wants you as much as you want them, who is consistent in their pursuit, and who makes time to see you regularly. That is a good sign of long-term potential.
—Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, and life coach
7. If a partner is openly unkind to others
Always listen to your initial gut feeling. Beyond that, look at how your new love interest treats others.
If the person you're going on a date with is nasty or dismissive to the waiter at the bar or to the coffee shop you are going to, this is a huge red flag. Kindness is an essential value in life, and a person who is not kind in the most basic way will probably be unkind to you down the road.
—Fabienne Slama, relationship coach
8. If a partner treats servers rudely
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Rudeness to service people — cashiers, clerks, wait staff, et al. Doesn’t matter how much they “deserve” it. Look for graciousness in your partner, in all circumstances.
—Susan Kulakowski, MBA, MS, and consultant
9. If a partner displays open (or subtle) contempt for others
A key indicator of red flag behavior is if your date displays disrespect or contempt toward other people, either overtly or subtly. This could be snide comments about strangers on the street, disparaging remarks about family members, or insults toward friends.
This kind of disrespect has no place in a healthy relationship and can become cruel over time. If you observe this bad behavior early on in the relationship, it's best to trust your judgment and run away from this person as soon as possible.
—Claire Waismann, counselor/therapist
10. If a partner is too possessive
In the beginning, a possessive love interest may feel exciting and entrancing, and can even mimic love and devotion. Ultimately, it will reveal itself as control and manipulation. It is the opposite of mutuality.
—Eva Van Prooyen, MA, MFT, and relationship coach
11. If a partner is always on the lookout for someone 'better'
Wandering eyes are a big red flag for you to run if you spot your new love interest doing that while on a date with you. It means that they are looking for someone different or better in their mind's eye, so don't bother telling them that you don't appreciate it, or they will give you an excuse like, "I thought I knew him/her, but I'm only interested in you."
—Ava Cadell, marriage counselor
12. If a partner's words don't match their actions
While I believe actions are typically truthful, words may not be sincere. Actions always speak louder than words.
—Kathy Lynn Thielen, life coach
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
