The Art Of Ending A Marriage: 9 Ways To Get Divorced Without Burning Everything Down
nikkimeel | Canva Are you facing a divorce? Design your strategy for navigating the common stages of divorce. Have you passed through all the stages of love and decided you're ready to end your relationship and surrender to divorce? Do you wonder what you'll go through and what it will all mean?
While every relationship is unique, there are common stages of divorce. Knowing how to navigate them will help you reach a more peaceful resolution. Divorce is one of the most stressful transitions we go through. Fortunately, there is more awareness now than there used to be, and people are more willing to talk about their personal experiences. This has made it easier for others to navigate this difficult time without making a mess of everything.
Here are 9 ways to get divorced without burning everything down:
1. Surrender
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You've done everything in your power to rescue your relationship, and getting a divorce is your intentional choice. Nevertheless, there's that last little bit you're having trouble with surrendering to the reality that your relationship is over. No matter how your divorce began — your choice, his choice, a mutual decision — there is still a part of us that takes it personally, blames the other, or is stuck in denial.
Let go of blame and finger-pointing, whether directed at yourself or your partner. Accept that you have done everything in your power to make your relationship work, and you are choosing this option. Embrace yourself, your partner, and the choices you have made. With surrender comes serenity and clarity. When you let go of blame, you’ll find yourself navigating these difficult waters with peace of mind.
2. Stay grounded
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While the divorce rate is high, you are you, and your divorce is yours. Listening to nightmare divorce stories is not going to help you keep a clear head. Instead, look for divorce success stories and the common trends they reflect. Then decide which of those trends could apply to you, and try them out.
Focus on your situation and your style of thinking. What you focus on grows. So, if you expect trouble navigating the common stages of divorce, you'll find it. Stay grounded. If you're committed to completing your divorce with dignity, clarity, and respect toward yourself and your partner, you will likely have a much easier time.
When people search for positive outcomes after divorce instead of dwelling on nightmare stories, they discover that tons of people actually flourish with way higher levels of autonomy and self-confidence once they're free from unhappy marriages, researchers have found. What you focus on literally shapes your experience because people who expect trouble during divorce end up finding it, while those who stay grounded and handle things with dignity typically have much easier transitions with better outcomes.
3. Set priorities
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We might wish there were one fabulous formula for navigating all the common stages of divorce. Of course, there isn't. Each one of us is different, and so are our priorities. Don't get stuck in following what someone else has done or what has worked for others.
You have your preferences, and your actions reflect who you are. Figure out your priorities and stick to your plan. Once you have identified your priorities and values, design a plan of action that will keep you focused on what’s important to you. That way, you’ll be able to concentrate on who you truly are, even in the face of adversity.
4. Be cautious in taking divorce advice from friends and family
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You may have a fabulous circle of friends and a supportive family. Be cautious, nevertheless, about accepting their divorce advice. While it is motivated by your best interests, it is also tainted by their experiences and expectations for you, which may not be realistic. For example, a friend who has had financial trouble may suggest you stay with your partner for the economic benefits.
Another, who is financially strong and has supported a partner, may suggest that you are better off on your own. Their divorce advice, though genuine, reflects their circumstances, not yours. Get divorce advice from a trained professional. Read books and articles by experts who encourage you to find balance and what’s right for you. Remember, you are you. You must decide, according to your priorities and values, what you want and what’s appropriate for you.
Research by the Pew Research Center found that if a close friend gets divorced, you're 147% more likely to become divorced yourself because divorce spreads through social networks, and your friends' experiences heavily influence how they view your marriage. The problem is their advice reflects their own circumstances and biases instead of what's actually right for your unique situation, which means getting guidance from professionals leads to way better decision-making.
5. Let yourself be human
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In every divorce, there comes a point at which a person feels stuck. She has a hard time going through the steps to pass that point and feels like she can't do one more thing. Be prepared for this. No one can predict when it may hit you. Stay grounded and clear. Let yourself be human.
Even the most agreeable divorce is full of emotion and unpleasantness. You are ending a part of your life, and you must remember, no matter what, to love yourself. Keep in mind that, even though you want to show a strong front, it's worth it to let all your emotions surface. Always be aware of how you are treating yourself.
6. Trust yourself
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How often do we doubt ourselves and even double-cross ourselves? When we don’t trust ourselves, we get sidetracked from the important things and hurt only ourselves. Trusting yourself comes from taking all the right steps in sequence. Then you can make the right decisions at the right time. Defining your priorities and values at the beginning of your divorce sets the foundation for the decisions you make at every stage. Do the work, then trust that you have done it with integrity and honor.
Research found that when you make decisions with solid self-confidence after doing the proper groundwork, your brain creates stronger neural pathways that make future decision-making feel way more naturally instinctive. Building self-trust comes from following a consistent approach where you define your priorities and values first, then make decisions aligned with those foundations, which lets you trust that you've acted with integrity even when outcomes are uncertain.
7. Forget revenge
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Come on! Haven't we all thought about doing something out of revenge? Burning the clothes. Kidnapping the cat. Slashing the tires. We all have it in us to be vengeful, and sometimes we think revenge tastes good. Think again! Do you want that type of karma? I didn't think so. Let karma do the dirty work while you stand tall, with your head held high.
Revenge triggers a quick rush in your brain's reward centers, but it only lasts for a few seconds and then actually makes you feel way worse long-term because focusing on what was done to you prevents healing. Studies show people who don't act on revenge can move past the offense and let it go, but those who actually get revenge end up obsessing over the situation and staying stuck reliving their bad marriage over and over instead of finding peace.
8. Ask yourself: Who is the new you?
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Going through all the common stages of divorce is a transformation in itself. With all the decisions you'll have to make to navigate your divorce, you'll be faced in the end with a person you may not even know. People behave differently as a couple than they do on their own. That's neither good nor bad. Just be prepared to wonder who you have become.
Ask yourself what you have discovered about yourself as you’ve navigated the common stages of divorce. Be an objective observer, evaluating yourself without judgment. What would you say? Did you know you were so resilient? Which parts of you could you improve (remember, no judging)? Be honest and neutral. Here’s a good chance to discover who you are.
9. Embrace the new you
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Embracing the new you is the sum of all the stages, where you discover the new you and the direction you want to take in your life. How can you fully embrace the new you? Whether you want it or not, a new you has surfaced through these stages of divorce, and believe me, you want to rejoice. Say goodbye to the old and surrender to the new! You are you, your individual.
You want to find new priorities, assess others' expectations, and design a new plan of action while staying away from revenge. These are magical moments of self-discovery. Invest the time in nurturing yourself and making your new life happen. There is nothing average about you. Trust yourself, respect yourself, and above all, fall in love with the new you.
Monica Magnetti is a certified life/Business coach and the author of 30 Days to a New You.
