6 Things People Who’ve Been Divorced Know That Make Them Better Partners The Next Time
How your past divorce can help you in your new married life.
Pexels | Canva How can couples avoid the pitfalls that threaten the happiness and success of a second (or third) marriage? Before considering remarriage, it’s important to ponder if it’s what you want and to ask yourself if you’ve fully recovered from your past relationship and are ready to move on get married again, and perhaps even begin a blended family.
Let's face it, most couples in second or third marriages face obstacles that those in first marriages just don't. It’s no surprise that while the divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 45 percent, U.S. statistics show the rate for second marriages is approximately 67 percent.
It’s important to expect plenty of conflicts in second marriages and a remarried family so that you can avoid feeling blindsided. Stepparents and parents often disagree on parenting strategies, for instance, and kids get caught in the crossfire. Past histories collide and divided loyalties rear their ugly head when kids feel they have to defend their biological parent or carve out space in a new territory, not to mention often living between their parents' disparate worlds.
Money is one of the most common things couples argue about in any marriage and financial problems can tear the newly remarried couples apart. Often newlyweds in remarried families start with urgent needs, such as a larger home and/or car and a bigger vacation budget.
The stress and strain of struggling to pay child support and maintaining multiple residences can worsen financial stress and burdens, too. So, to make sure your second marriage is more successful than your first, here are 6 lessons you can learn from divorce that will help you in your new married life.
Here are things people who’ve been divorced know that make them better partners the next time:
1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable
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This allows you to build confidence in being more open with him/her. Discussing minor issues (schedules, meals) is a great place to start before tackling bigger matters such as disciplining kids or finances.
Honesty and communication are key issues in a second marriage. Be forthcoming about finances, your past, and concerns with your former spouse and kids that are relevant.
Research confirmed that divorcees who embrace vulnerability can become more effective partners in new relationships. This is because vulnerability fosters trust, intimacy, and open communication, which are crucial for strong relationships. By being willing to express their emotions and needs, even when they feel insecure or exposed, divorcees can create a deeper connection with their partners and navigate challenges more effectively.
2. Remember to do things without the kids, too
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A date night or couple's time is very enriching, even if it’s a walk or grabbing a sandwich at a restaurant together. While there isn't specific research focusing on how remembering to do things without kids enhances divorcees' partnership skills, plenty of evidence shows that divorcees who prioritize engaging in activities and maintaining a sense of self outside their parenting roles can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships in new partnerships.
This is because they have had the time and space to heal from the divorce, rebuild their sense of self, and develop a greater understanding of their needs and desires outside of the context of parenting.
3. Don’t let resentment build
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Resentment builds when couples sweep things under the rug so they express thoughts, feelings, and wishes respectfully and timely. Discuss hot-button issues privately, but hold regular, informal family meetings to clear the air and address family issues.
Forgiveness can involve reflecting on past relationship dynamics and understanding how certain behaviors contributed to the divorce. This self-awareness can help prevent repeating patterns in future relationships.
4. Embrace your role as a stepparent (if there are kids involved)
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The role of the stepparent is one of a friend and supporter rather than a disciplinarian. Learn new strategies and share your ideas with your partner.
Divorcees who successfully embrace their roles as stepparents in new relationships often demonstrate improved communication, conflict resolution, and overall relationship satisfaction in their current partnerships. Research by Utah State University explained that divorcees can learn to navigate the complexities of blended family dynamics and develop more effective communication skills, compromise, and build stronger bonds with their new families.
5. Avoid ultimatums
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Take the “d” word (divorce) out of your vocabulary. According to the late renowned researcher E. Mavis Hetherington, seeing divorce as an option and talking about it can increase your risk of a breakup.
Research suggests that avoiding ultimatums and developing stronger communication skills after a divorce can help individuals become better partners in new relationships. Ultimatums often stem from underlying insecurities and distrust, and learning to communicate needs constructively rather than with threats can lead to healthier relationship dynamics.
Additionally, focusing on self-discovery and healing from the divorce can improve overall emotional well-being, making individuals more resilient and empathetic in future relationships.
6. Create realistic expectations
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Accept that there are inevitable ups and downs. Try to have more understanding toward your partner, your kids, and/or stepkids. Commit to practicing endurance and patience.
In time, many of the kinks inherent in stepfamily life will smooth out. For those of us who have divorced, we know all too well how lost love, mistrust, and even betrayal feel. Even if your partner wasn’t unfaithful, you may feel that he or she didn’t have your best interests at heart or threw in the towel too easily — choosing to split rather than work on the marriage.
Consequently, it makes sense that a fear of vulnerability is probably a real dilemma in a second or third marriage. Yet not expressing your innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes can put your relationship at risk because you'll lose out on trust and intimacy.
As you become more and more disengaged from your partner, the risks of betrayal or falling out of love become apparent. In sum, don’t let your feelings of discouragement take over because there are inevitably bumps along the way in a blended or remarried family.
Visualizing yourself in an open and honest relationship is the first step. Don’t let the fear of rejection, failure, or past hurt stop you from achieving the love and intimacy you deserve.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.
