11 Phrases People Say Often When They Were Raised Without Boundaries

One of the most shocking things that I’ve learned is how many people were raised without any kind of boundaries, only to keep those patterns as adults. Boundaries are what make for healthy relationships. A person who grew up without boundaries often struggles to understand when they’re pushing boundaries or engaging in unhealthy behavior. Some learn and reconsider their attitudes, making themselves good partners.

If you hear these phrases, you should reconsider being around them. They are signs that the person in question was raised without boundaries and has little interest in making a change.

These are 11 phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries

1. ‘If you love me, you’d…’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘If you love me, you’d…’ Goran13 from Getty Images via Canva

The biggest sign of a person who was raised without boundaries is the way they ask for certain things after you’ve already told them no. People who were raised without boundaries just don’t seem to get “no,” especially when it’s something they want.

Many of them will start to manipulate partners or friends when told “no,” often using emotional blackmail to make others feel guilty when they don’t give in to their demands. In toxic families, boundaries are seen as a sign of rejection or dislike.

2. ‘Why won’t you let me…?’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘Why won’t you let me…?’ stock-eye from Getty Images Signature via Canva

Sometimes, the manipulation isn’t always as drastic or as desperate as emotional blackmail. Many people who grew up with no boundaries tend to assume that any “no” is an invitation for debate.

If you’re regularly asked why you don’t want to do things or why you said no, this could be them trying to debate with you as a way to push boundaries. While it’s okay to ask why you’re not interested from time to time, hearing this repeatedly is a warning sign of a person trying to control you.

3. ‘Oh, sorry, I forgot you don’t like that’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘Oh, sorry, I forgot you don’t like that’ M_a_y_a from Getty Images Signature via Canva

People who have been raised in narcissistic families often have no respect for boundaries because narcissists don’t like healthy boundaries. So, they tend to find sneaky ways to try to impinge on any boundaries that you put up—often in innocuous ways.

One of the more common ways this happens involves “forgetting” boundaries, repeatedly asking you to do something you said no to, or “jokes” that just somehow make you look like the bad guy if you say no. Make no mistake about it. If it keeps happening, they aren’t forgetting anything.

4. ‘You owe this to me'

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘You owe this to me' Prostock-Studio from Getty Images via Canva

In society, there are certain expectations when it comes to being a decent person, and these are healthy expectations of reciprocity. People who were raised without boundaries tend to overdo those expectations and quietly expect that from partners and friends around them.

If you hear a person say that you owe them or that they owe someone something outrageous, chances are they grew up with a lack of boundaries. They can’t bring themselves to break their perceived social contract.

5. ‘I can’t say that to her! She’s my mother!’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘I can’t say that to her! She’s my mother!’ Motortion from Getty Images via Canva

Many, if not most, people who grew up without boundaries had parents who didn’t treat them like kids. Rather, they expected their children to take on the emotional role of a significant other.

This leads to something called enmeshment, or being in a codependent, controlling relationship with a parent. Enmeshed adult children are adult children who are often petrified of standing up to their parents, even when it makes total sense to put their foot down.

If they say this whenever a parent is out of line, you’re seeing enmeshment in action.

6. ‘I need to go through your phone’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘I need to go through your phone’ Bobex-73 from Getty Images via Canva

Here’s a weird thing I personally noticed after dating people who didn’t grow up with healthy boundaries: they tend to be very suspicious. Privacy was something they often couldn’t get, and due to the way parental enmeshment tends to work, they also tend to be very insecure.

As a result, they tend to want to keep an eye on whoever they’re dating as a way to try to control them. They often realize they’re out of line. Unfortunately, they never quite make it to the point of being able to trust their partners enough to knock it off.

7. ‘Just put up with them a little longer, okay?’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘Just put up with them a little longer, okay?’ JackF from Getty Images via Canva

Enmeshment doesn’t just affect the adult you know. It also affects whoever they’re with. When you’re dating an adult who suffers from a home without boundaries, you’ll likely be perceived as an “outsider” or a threat to the parents.

The end result is that the parents tend to do aggressive, hurtful things to try to get you to leave. The enmeshed adult won’t stand up for you, leaving them only capable of begging you to “just put up with it” for a little longer.

8. ‘I would never say that to my family’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘I would never say that to my family’ Prostock-studio via Canva

While we’re on the topic of being unable to stand up for themselves, let’s talk about how enmeshed people tend to react when they see others set healthy boundaries. They tend to react with a certain level of awe. And shock.

Though many of them often wish they had the courage to stand up for themselves or their partners, at the end of the day, they lack the strength, so they may try to frame it as a moral thing.

9. ‘But she’s my mother! You can’t make me choose!’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘But she’s my mother! You can’t make me choose Africa images via Canva

If you grew up in a house without boundaries, you likely had a lot of your personal decisions framed as choosing between your family member(s), yourself, or your friends. It didn’t matter what it was, either.

This dynamic often still plays out when that person grows up, too. It’s part of the toxicity that makes it hard to leave.

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10. ‘A lot of people think my family is difficult, but I just can’t leave them’

phrases people say often when they were raised without boundaries, ‘A lot of people think my family is difficult, but I just can’t leave them’ fizkes from Getty Images via Canva

Growing up without healthy boundaries is a form of abuse, even if it’s just a lack of boundaries on its own. It can be hard for victims of this to actually understand why it’s abusive, too. Even so, they may start to apologize on behalf of their family—or even lightly “warn” others about it.

This is part of them just downplaying how absolutely messed up their family dynamics are and downplaying how much it’s affected them over the years.

11. ‘I know we seem a little too close at times, but I assure you, this is natural for us.’

Syda Productions via Canva

We all have seen families that take boundary-pushing to a level that’s a little concerning. If you’ve seen it and called it out, you probably have heard the person in question try to downplay it this way.

Here’s a hint: it’s not normal to have to explain to people why you have no privacy, why your family has a say in everything you do, and why it makes others uncomfortable.

Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.