11 Things Mothers Do That Quietly Alienate Their Adult Daughters
Mother-daughter relationships can be tricky to manage, no matter how good either person's intentions are.
Bee Bonnet / Shutterstock Our childhood experiences and relationships have a profound impact on our adult success, happiness, and general well-being, but mother-daughter relationships have unique and long-lasting implications. Mothers and daughters are uniquely equipped to bond over shared life experiences, but there are several things mothers do that quietly alienate their adult daughters as they develop their own set of priorities and opinions.
By recognizing the subtle habits and behaviors that may be sabotaging your relationship with someone you should be able to count on no matter what, you can strengthen your relationship and grow closer than ever.
Here are 11 things mothers do that quietly alienate their adult daughters
1. Offering unsolicited advice
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Unsolicited advice can unsuspectingly drive a lot of the tension between adult children and their parents, especially considering younger generations are more likely to be met with unprompted advice and support when they express their struggles than their parents’ generation.
It’s one of the things mothers do that quietly alienates their adult daughters, not because it’s meant to intentionally dismiss their emotions and “solve” their problems without connecting first, but because many parents bear the burden of helping their kids, even later in life.
They may not have malicious intentions, but unsolicited advice prompted by a mother’s desire to help and heal their kids, even into adulthood, can spark tension and push adult daughters to avoid expressing their emotions and sharing in the future. Sometimes, they just want to vent and be heard.
2. Comparing them to others
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Whether it’s a family friend or their siblings, mothers who constantly compare their adult daughters to everyone else quietly alienate them. There’s a time and place for comparisons, but it hardly ever happens in the hands of someone else, especially when they’re criticizing things you can’t realistically achieve or pursue.
For example, an adult daughter could compare her tennis skills to a better player on the court, but she shouldn’t be holding herself to unrealistic beauty standards from influencers online. Similarly, her mother shouldn’t be expecting her to follow other people’s footsteps or be on the same timeline as her friends’ daughters or coworkers’ kids. It’s not only unfair, but incredibly harmful to a healthy mother-daughter relationship in adulthood.
3. Making everything about themselves
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Everyone wants to feel heard in their relationships, whether it’s with a partner or their parents. When a mother constantly tries to one-up her daughter and shift attention toward herself in conversations, she’s not only dismissing the space her daughter deserves in conversations and interactions, but she’s also indirectly devaluing her and making her feel unheard.
This is one of the common things mothers do that quietly alienate their adult daughters, especially for insecure parents who struggle with resentment, envy, and jealousy toward their kids later in life.
4. Holding onto their childhood identity
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It’s not only condescending, but incredibly offensive when parents refuse to view their adult children as fully fledged adults who are capable of making their own decisions, solving their own problems, and crafting a life that’s tailored to their best interests. Especially for mothers and adult daughters, having a parent who refuses to let go of childhood expectations and identities can cultivate tension and resentment.
It’s not always malicious, sometimes it’s simply fueled by familiarity and comfort, but it’s still one of the things mothers do that quietly alienate their adult daughters.
5. Overstepping boundaries
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Whether it’s trying to parent her kids or dismiss her choices, a mother who constantly oversteps her adult daughter's boundaries can quickly alienate her from the family. Respect is a two-way street. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can actively overstep your kids’ boundaries, dismiss their needs, and overlook their requests for the sake of your own comfort.
Especially if you don’t currently have the communication skills to have an honest conversation about expectations, listen as best as you can as a parent to your adult children and find ways to respect their boundaries, even if you don’t necessarily agree.
6. Playing the victim
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People who play the victim aren’t only trying to make everything about themselves, it’s a tactic they use to avoid taking responsibility, apologizing, and owning up to their mistakes. For some, it’s a symptom of insecurity or their fears of rejection and abandonment, so it’s not always intentional or malicious.
However, it’s still one of the things mothers do that quietly alienates their adult daughters. Whether it’s taking accountability for childhood trauma, having conversations about boundaries, or discussing parenting for daughters who start their own families, they should feel heard and empowered to express concerns with their mothers, not condemned and demonized for doing so.
7. Never taking accountability
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Not taking accountability is the perfect way to spark resentment in a relationship. Whether it’s avoiding conflict, resorting to anger or defensiveness, or refusing to apologize, mothers who never take accountability actively push their adult daughters and children away.
To truly cultivate a safe space where adult daughters feel supported and heard at home, parents have to lean into the initial discomfort of vulnerability and accountability. Even if they don’t necessarily agree with the concerns or issues their children raise, it’s important to emotionally support them anyway, even if that means taking accountability and apologizing where they can.
8. Talking poorly behind their backs
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According to psychologist and family coach Boris Herzberg, parental jealousy can quickly sabotage family dynamics, removing joy, fulfillment, and true bonds from parents and their adult kids. Whether it’s speaking poorly about them behind their backs, spreading rumors, or trying to outshine their accomplishments in a casual conversation, it’s one of the things mothers do that quietly alienate their adult daughters.
Of course, there’s a time and place for gossip, even the kind that can be beneficial to bonding and social connection, but when it’s at the expense of a family relationship or an adult child’s wellbeing, it’s not worth the occasional relief and laugh.
9. Being overly involved in their relationships
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By overstepping boundaries, being too involved in their kids’ relationships, and trying to wield an unrealistic kind of control over their kids’ lives, parents can sabotage the connection that’s fundamental to a healthy family dynamic later in life. Of course, coping with the natural disconnect and separation that happens when their kids move out of the house can be challenging, urging parents to adopt guilt-tripping behaviors to see their kids more often or even try to “solve” their problems for them, as if they were children.
However, managing those toxic behaviors and coping in healthy ways, like with an open conversation or by adopting new hobbies, is key, especially for mothers and their adult daughters.
10. Favoring siblings
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According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, adult children have better relationships with their parents later in life when they feel like they’re treated fairly and equitably compared to their siblings, especially by their mothers or a maternal figure.
Even though it’s true that favoritism is more prevalent than we’d like to believe, it’s still possible for parents to make an effort to be there to support each of their kids, depending on their situation. Mothers who refuse to commit to overcoming favoritism and instead pour more time, money, and energy into other relationships will quietly alienate their adult daughters from their lives, even if they’re not entirely aware of it.
11. Being passive aggressive
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Being passive-aggressive with name-calling, dismissive language, and negative body language is one of the things mothers do that quietly alienate their adult daughters.
Not only does this lead to discomfort and tension, but it tends to cultivate a space where resentment runs rampant.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
