11 Phrases Frugal Parents Said That Made Their Kids Feel Guilty For Wanting Anything Nice
Be careful with how you say 'no' to your kids.
YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV | Shutterstock The way our parents talk about, engage with, and even spend their money informs our money mindsets and attitudes growing up. From the carelessness of their spending to the frugality of their money mindset, we pick up on how they feel about finances much earlier in life than we even realize.
In fact, a University of Michigan study found that kids as young as five years old develop attitudes and feelings about money at home — affected by the language, attitudes, and behaviors their parents use and engage in. So, the phrases frugal parents said that made their kids feel guilty for wanting anything nice growing up may have been well-intentioned, but that doesn't mean they didn't have an impact.
Here are 11 phrases frugal parents said that made their kids feel guilty for wanting anything nice
1. 'We have food at home'
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If you grew up in a frugal household, or even if you didn't, chances are you've heard a parent use this phrase before to keep their kids from asking for fast food or a new treat at the grocery store. While it might seem like a drag and sometimes a way to guilt-trip kids into avoiding asking for food outside of the house, sometimes it can actually have benefits for children's health.
From opting for more nutritious food choices, to teaching kids how to cook, and including them in the kitchen, like research compiled by Utah State University suggests, kids who eat and cook with their parents at home develop better habits going into adulthood than those who consistently do not.
2. 'That's a want, not a need'
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To kids, asking for the toy all of their friends have or getting a treat at the grocery store feels like a "need," even when it's realistically not one. When their parents dismiss their desires and paint them as unnecessary. Growing up hearing the phrases frugal parents said that made their kids feel guilty for wanting anything nice, parents are sparking shame and guilt for asking in the first place.
While it might seem well-intentioned by a parent who's saving money for a bigger investment or cutting costs, it can be deeper for children. They start to view expressing their needs and emotions to their parents as a negative experience, where they're shamed for speaking their mind.
3. 'Do you think money grows on trees?'
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A phrase like this one tends to spark a "scarcity mindset" in young kids surrounding money from a young age that can lead them to adopt unhealthy money mindsets and habits that keep them broke in adulthood.
By suggesting that money is "scarce," parents using this phrase spark shame in their kids for asking for anything. They burden them with part of the emotional turmoil of money stress and anxiety, making them feel wasteful or spoiled for asking for something they want.
4. 'I would've loved to have all this at your age'
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By suggesting that their kids are "spoiled" or "ungrateful" for asking for something, frugal parents spark guilt in their kids. Even if they do truly love and care about their parents, they feel shameful for asking for something that their parents "can't afford," especially when they're being pressured into an "ungrateful" persona.
It's one of the first ways children learn to compare themselves to others. In some ways, it may help them to empathize with their parents more — viewing them as a person, rather than just a parent. But it tends to just spark guilt, invalidate their feelings in the present moment, and spark resentment.
5. 'You're so spoiled'
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As one of the phrases frugal parents said that made their kids feel guilty for wanting anything nice, this one deeply affects a child's self-esteem, family relationships, and well-being. Instead of saying "no" when their child asks for something, they don't address a child's desires or even prompt them toward gratitude, using a misguided label that's rooted in shame and guilt for young kids.
Enabling a truly "spoiled" mentality in a child is one thing, but saying "no" and having a conversation about why they're not getting everything they want is another. Kids aren't always going to be receptive to not getting the things they want, but the parenting that comes after the fact — sparking gratitude, having an honest conversation, and supporting their complex emotions — is what truly fends.
6. 'Put that back'
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"Put that back" or "we can't afford that" are some of the phrases frugal parents said that made their kids feel guilty for wanting anything nice. Considering many schools and social situations for kids in today's world are inherently competitive and consumerist, it's not surprising that kids are always spotting something new they want online or in the store.
From a Stanley water bottle to a new set of clothes, kids just want to "fit in." They want to have the things their peers have and feel a sense of belonging. When their parents immediately dismiss their wants, it can feel like a direct attack against that feeling of belonging and community they're yearning for, sparking a more intense emotional response than they'd expect.
So, no, children of frugal kids aren't always spoiled, they're just yearning for connection in a bigger way than they may even understand at the time.
7. 'Do you want us to go broke?'
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The shame of true poverty growing up, often sparked by society and perpetuated by adult parents, can follow kids into adulthood. Not only does it shape their financial habits and literacy later in life, it clouds their memories in many cases. They remember the guilt and shame their parents may have passed onto them with phrases like this one.
Of course, poverty and struggling with money doesn't have to be a secret, but expecting kids to understand the power of little financial decisions at the grocery store when they're 6-years-old isn't realistic.
The only thing a phrase like this does is urges kids to associate their wants and perceived "needs" as a burden to their parents and an inherently bad thing. They'll not only stop asking for things, they'll start to feel shameful for wanting them in the first place.
8. 'You'll understand when you're older'
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With some kind of phrase like "when you have bills you'll understand" or "just wait until you're older" frugal parents dismiss their children's wants, sometimes in a way that's practical for their financial status, without much empathy for their current mindset. Children don't often understand their family's financial status, but oftentimes that's a good thing.
If every child was constantly worried about financial crises, they'd be shouldering some of the burden, anxiety, and stress that's meant for adults, worried about if they're going to have dinner or have the money for extracurricular activities at school. It's this mentality growing up that many families can't avoid, especially when they're actively using phrases like these, but that often follows children into adulthood and makes them anxious about spending money later in life.
According to financial psychology expert Dr. Ronit Lami, the way that parents communicate with and around their kids growing up about values, spending, and attitudes about money seriously affects the money mentality their kids grow up with. It can cause unnecessary anxiety, stress, and financial habits later in life, even if it's just a way for them to say "no" to a toy at the grocery store in their adolescent years.
9. 'You'll just break it or lose it anyway'
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Other than completely invalidating any sense of autonomy and independence that their kids have worked hard to embody, phrases like this can feel incredibly invalidating to kids who are truly just expressing their needs. Even if they're just asking for a treat at the store, there's a lot more that goes into saying "no."
From having a friend recommend their favorite treat, to seeing it online, or even wanting to share it with a sibling, using a phrase like this without acknowledging their kids' emotions and having a conversation about their desires only keeps them from asking and sharing things with their parents in the future.
10. 'Be happy with what you have'
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By practicing gratitude, children can learn to appreciate and be grateful for the financial situation they're in, rather than adopting guilt, shame, and embarrassment around it when they get older. However, phrases like this aren't truly teaching kids how to be thankful, it's only shaming and guilting them for having wants and needs, like any normal person in life.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin argues that truly teaching kids gratitude doesn't start with phrases like this — urging them to completely dismiss and invalidate their disappointment when their parents say "no" — it starts with empathetic conversations and thoughtful questions.
By asking "What are you grateful for today?" instead of "Just be happy with what you have," kids feel encouraged to build practices and rituals in their daily routines that actually make them feel thankful, rather than guilty and disappointed.
11. 'You'll forget about it tomorrow'
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By dismissing a child's "wants" and crafting a narrative that invalidates how they're feeling in the current moment, a phrase like this isn't teaching kids how to regulate their emotions and make healthy financial decisions in the moment.
Of course, the truth is that these kids probably will forget about whatever they're asking for the next day, but that doesn't mean a phrase like this is realistic for teaching them how to ask for things, accept "no's," and regulate their emotions when they feel disappointed.
That doesn't have to happen overnight either, as every parent is learning how to raise their child for the first time. But it starts in these small moments, acknowledging the way their kids feel, making a plan to move forward, and helping them to express gratitude for the things they may not realize they already have.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
