13 Ways To Become The Exact Parent Your Child Needs, Even When They're Struggling
Your child is not broken, and neither are you.
Alena Ozerova | Shutterstock It can feel exceptionally difficult to become the exact parent your child needs, especially when they are struggling. Being a parent often feels like swimming in the wild Pacific Ocean. One moment you're happily jumping over waves, and the next you find yourself holding your breath as a big set of waves crashes over your head.
If this analogy feels familiar to you, congratulations! You're probably an excellent parent. Why? Because you're willing to adapt and change to your meet your children's needs. And, according to Patrick Ney, lead trainer at All About Parenting, accessing that's willingness is the first step to excellent parenting. Ney shared this advice (and more profound insights) during a moving episode of the Getting Open podcast. I've captured twelve of my favorites here.
Here are 13 ways to become the exact parent your child needs
1. Watch out for any defining labels
During the interview, Ney points out that, while he believes some labels can be helpful, especially when they help kids access necessary services, it's easy to let that label define them. For instance, "My child has been diagnosed with ADHD," can easily turn into, "My child is ADHD."
With a defining statement like this, suddenly, a challenge faced by your child becomes their entire identity. How and why would they behave in any way other than as "an ADHD kid" if that's all they are in their parents' and teachers' minds?
This also extends to broad labels, like, "Teenagers are so scary" or, "Toddlers are totally unreasonable."
What to do instead: When talking about your child, especially when your they are present and you are meeting with educators, clinicians or coaches, start with, "Here is my kid's greatest strength" or "Here is why my kid is so great."
Try to catch yourself in the act of making generalizations and broad labels and stop it before it starts. Teenagers may scare you, but they aren't scary. Instead, say, "This is my first experience raising teens and I'm learning a lot" or "My son's sense of humor has really developed since he entered the teen years. I'm always laughing!"
2. Know your child's 'Island of Competence'
It's human nature to notice the bad stuff first. In our cave-dwelling years, that kept us alive. Telling yourself that, "The Wooly Mammoth was stomping over there earlier, I think I'll avoid that place!" keeps you safer than telling yourself, "I'm not worried about that Mammoth. There are pretty flowers over where it hangs out!"
Today we can balance our reactions better. Your kid may struggle to sit still in class, remain quiet or complete their work, but Ney insists that doesn't make your child a failure, and it doesn't mean they're doomed to a life of crime and disobedience, either. Yes, you should pay attention to these behaviors, but you shouldn't see them as a reason for punishment. Rather, find their Island of Competence and reframe their behaviors in a way that allows you (and other adults) to adapt in healthy ways.
What to do instead: Instead of saying, "She's so loud and disruptive in class!" try saying, "She's a warrior child. She was born to move and thrives when playing sports and climbing trees."
As Ney says, "In a sea of dysfunctionality, look for the Island of Competence... [and] don't let the system define what is functional or dysfunctional."
3. Stop seeing your kid as an opportunity to fix your own mistakes
During the interview, Ley stunned host Andrea Miller when he quoted Carl Jung, saying, "The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents."
As a former theater nerd who (somehow) raised two super jock sons, I've observed a LOT of this behavior from parents, regardless of their child's interests. Just the other day a baseball dad pulled my husband aside and said, "I didn't get to play D1 ball, so I'm going to make sure my son gets there."
As a sports outsider, I was stunned! His son doesn't even seem to like baseball all that much.
While most parents aren't this obvious when channelling their own regrets and failures into their children's activities, we all fall prey to this habit sometimes. I know I religiously forced my oldest son to keep a paper planner for all of his assignments, appointments and reminders, even though it clearly wasn't working for him.
Why did it matter so much to me? When I looked deeper, I realized it was about the fact that I was a poor student, walking around with undiagnosed ADHD and constantly frustrating teachers with my untapped potential. I deeply wanted my son to be organized (like I was not) and to get excellent grades (which I did not).
What to do instead: Ney beautifully paraphrased ancient Greek philosopher Plutarch, reminding Miller that "our kids are not a vessel to be filled, they are a fire to be kindled," and advising her, "now, go kindle their fire in the places they're best at."
4. Write the story of your life
Ney recommends sitting down with a pencil and paper and writing the narrative of your life and the life you want as a parent. In essence, ask yourself, "Who am I and where did I come from?"
If you can put together a coherent narrative of who you are and where you've come from, your parenting will improve.
What to do instead: Ney advises parents to try the following structure.
- This how I was raised
- These are the expectations that were placed on me (good or for bad)
- These are the ways they've affected what I do today
- This is where, as a parent, I'm aiming to be.
"It can be five lines or fifty," Ney told Miller. "When you can build that narrative story of who you are and it's not fragmented, it's coherent, you're going to have a coherent relationship with your children."
5. Frame your goals in the positive
Rohappy via Shutterstock
Once you know how your past has affected you, don't focus on the things you're running away from. Ney insists that phrases like, "I'm never going to be like my mom!" or, "I'll never do what my dad did" are a sign that you're reacting out of hurt, fear, or pain rather than making good parenting choices based on what you believe is best for your kid.
For instance, a parent who was raised with very strict rules around grades may resist being strict about grades, but that rigidity will likely show up elsewhere.
What to do instead: Say what you want and set goals. If, for instance, your parents were rigid about grades, you might say, "I'd like to be adaptable to my child's talents and needs and help them thrive in ways that feel authentic and empowering to them."
6. Allow yourself to redefine success
Look at where you have, unconsciously or consciously, placed emphasis in your parenting. What myths have you accepted as absolute truth that might be getting in the way of you truly seeing and accepting your child and parenting in a way that helps them find their own forms of success?
Ley and Miller brainstormed the following myth sequence:
- "Children should be good at school"
- "Being good at school means you'll go to a good university"
- "Going to a good university means you'll earn a good salary"
- "Earning a good salary means you're a success in life"
- "Being successful will make you happy"
Is it true that earning a lot of money means you'll be happy? Absolutely not! Look at the problems faced by celebrities. They are certainly not all happy! Everyone has problems, and being rich won't make you happy. Sure, being able to pay your essential bills without worry will reduce stress, but beyond that, it's all mythology.
What to do instead: Write a list of things you think matter most and interrogate them. Perfect grades, being good at sports, having a large group of friends, regularly attending religious services, and having a strong moral compass may all be on the list.
Now, break down each one and see if it really is important. What would happen without it? That's where you find the truth.
7. Break free from your own labels
As a trauma survivor himself, Ney doesn't want to minimize the effects of childhood trauma, but, he reminds us, "You are more than just a victim. You are more than just a survivor."
It's easy to get stuck defining ourselves in one way — breadwinner, caretaker, mom taxi, the mean parent or the fun parent, or even just strict — but you are more than that.
What to do instead: Whatever your own story is, make sure it doesn't hold you back. Maybe you have ADHD, are a trauma survivor, had a really distant mom or an absent dad. Those things influenced you, but they don't have to define you.
8. Allow your kids to become your teachers
George Rudy via Shutterstock
Parenting is an opportunity to grow, to find where you are still wounded and heal it. It's an opportunity to do things differently, truly differently, in order to help your children, and the world, in turn, become healthier and happier than before.
Miller shared her own parenting revelation, saying that she kept asking, "What do we do about our kids?" until she finally said to herself, "Can you quit asking that question? What do we do about ourselves!?"
What to do instead: Allow your kids to teach you all of the lessons they can.
"Let's be honest," Ney replies, "The kids are helping us grow up, not [just] the other way around."
9. Stop blaming your kids for your own stress
"Name your stress levels from 0 to 10," Ney suggests. "At 10, you're freaking out at your kid even when they're doing nothing wrong at all." Now, take responsibility for how you got there and fix it before you start making your child's life worse.
When we're in the brain goes into the red zone, as he calls it, we send all of our energy into our fight or flight brain areas. You will regress to your old stuff, the toxic stuff, and the bad patterns you're trying to break, not because you are weak, but because that's what the brain was designed to do.
"When I work with parents," he explains, "we don't do anything until we've sorted out 'the red zone' and how to get out of it."
Often, says Ney, this is because parents aren't getting enough sleep. This can also be connected to your childhood, your hormones, your exercise routines, hydration, nutrition and so much more.
What to do instead: With some of his clients, Ney only prescribes one assignment to his parent clients in the first week: Get some sleep. Study after study has shown that adults and children alike need more sleep than we're getting in order to feel (and act) our best. Also try more water, less sugar, or adding a few more 20-minute walks outdoors to your schedule.
10. Find the why behind your child's misbehavior
Apex Studios via Shutterstock
"A child's behavior doesn't come out of a vacuum, it comes out of the context of their relationship with us and with others," Ney explains.
When you see only the misbehavior, insists Ney, you will get angry much more quickly. If, however, you look to the why, you will see your whole child and be better able to respond with compassion.
11. Make sure your child's psychological needs are being met
In psychology, the self-determination theory explains that all humans have the need to feel a sense of control over their destiny while remaining connected with others. Once you understand these needs, you can be sure your child is having these needs met in meaningful ways before punishing them or reacting to misbehavior.
Here's what they are:
- Relatedness (love, connection, safety)
- Competence (learning, growth, challenge)
- Autonomy (control, choice over your life, self-definition)
"If you satisfy that need, you're actually going to see less of this behavioral problem," according to Ney. And, as a parent of kids in many different stages of their lives, I heartily agree! It's also helpful for us as adults when we start to feel emotionally off.
12. Set rules, create boundaries and establish consequences
Yes, even the most adaptive, compassionate parents need to set rules and boundaries. Ney explains that boundaries and clear rules are important for kids to feel secure. That doesn't mean over-structuring their lives. Research shows that kids need plenty of free, unstructured time. But they security, too.
If you read #11 up there, you know that it's important for every human to feel a sense of autonomy, and it's proven that children respond best to rules they helped establish. Once they make the rules with you, they're less likely to be automatically reactive when the boundary is enforced. The lack of that collaborative creation of these rules and boundaries, according to Ney, is a big reason we get such big, reactive responses from them.
When a child is being unkind, setting healthy boundaries can start with saying, "If you choose to continue talking to me like that, you're choosing for me to leave the room."
Know that if you don't enforce that boundary, your child will learn that they can manipulate you. They don't mean to be cruel, it is a natural part of child development.
"It's never too late," Ney insists. "If you start to get consistent [...] you will start to see improvement in their behavior. Because if you don't have order, you have chaos. If you don't have a contract, you have disgruntlement between you and them."
13. Be imperfect
You won't be perfect and perfect shouldn't be the goal. As Ney says, there's nothing missing in you.
"You have everything your child needs," He says. "You've had bad days, I get it, everyone has. Your child needs those bad days. Youv'e raised your voice and you've yelled and you've not lived up to the promise of who you were meant to be... [But] your child doesn't need you to be perfect. Give up your obsession with that fantasy person. Be you. Totally you."
Joanna Schroeder is a writer, editor, and media critic whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Boston Globe and more. She is co-author of the book Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men. She also shares advice on Substack.
