Parents Who Say These 11 Phrases To Their Adult Kids Are Usually The Ones Who Don't Get Many Visits
Bricolage / Shutterstock As we get older, our parents may place pressure on us. While they may have good intentions, some phrases they say come off as harsh. With limited time in our busy lives, it can be difficult to prioritize seeing your parents when you do not want to hear their painful comments.
We have all dealt with complex issues in our childhood. There are times when we just don’t get along with our parents. It’s part of life. However, it’s how we choose to remedy those issues that impact the overall relationship. Even if you have a good relationship with your parents, it can still be hard to visit them when they are often asking questions you just aren’t ready to answer. If you can relate to any of these phrases, you may see your parents less than the average person.
Parents who say these 11 phrases to their adult kids are usually the ones who don't get many visits
1. ‘When are you finally going to settle down?’
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When our parents were coming of age, marriage was the most important thing. According to data collected by the United States Census, people are getting married later than ever. On average, men marry at around age 30, and women marry at around the age of 28. When our parents got married, it wasn’t uncommon for them to tie the knot between the ages of 18 and 22.
Times are changing, and our parents can sometimes struggle to come to terms with our life choices. To them, getting married is not an option. They want you to settle down and start your family at the same pace they did. When a parent is constantly asking when you plan on finally walking down the aisle, they may have good intentions, but it’s a frustrating conversation to have.
2. ‘I hope I get grandkids soon’
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Once you walk down the aisle, they may start pressing for grandchildren. Fertility is a complex issue that you may not want to share with your parents when you are in the thick of it. It’s common for our parents to want grandchildren, but the constant prodding when they do not understand the circumstances can make it difficult to visit. They may struggle to understand why this topic is sensitive. Having children immediately after marriage was expected of them.
It can also be painful to tell your parents you do not want to have children. Everyone has the right to their own life choices, but that doesn’t mean those choices won’t affect others' feelings. If they will not take this news well, it is easier to avoid them than it is to visit.
3. ‘I can’t believe who you voted for’
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We are taught from a young age to avoid talking about religion and politics. However, that doesn’t always hold up with our own parents. In a polarizing political climate, sharing our opinions with our parents can end poorly. When two people are passionate about different things, it can lead to disagreements and conflict. If you know your parents are going to bring up politics and who you voted for, you may choose to visit less than you would have otherwise.
“Political polarization is a significant social issue that increasingly affects personal family dynamics, particularly relationships between parents and their children. Internal political disagreements within families can lead to a decline in overall well-being and mental health for all members, create feelings of alienation for adult children, and cause emotional distress and social isolation for parents, especially as they age and rely more on their children for support,” found the Mental Research Institute.
4. ‘You’re just being sensitive’
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Whether they mean to or not, our parents can hurt our feelings. It can be challenging to discuss it with them. They may struggle to apologize. Some may never admit fault to their children, even in adulthood. It’s painful, and when it’s met with comments like, ‘you’re just being sensitive,’ it's understandable why they would prefer to see less of them.
It’s hard to say sorry. We have all been through moments where putting our ego aside seemed impossible. When a parent refuses to take accountability for their actions and accuses their child of being overly sensitive when confronted about it, distance will form.
5. ‘When I was your age…’
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Life milestones are shifting. What current generations find important may differ from what their parents did. Many millennials are choosing to delay hitting certain milestones. Whether it's getting married and having kids or going to college after a gap year or two, they are taking less traditional routes. This can be hard for their parents to accept, as they were moving at a different speed.
When your parents are constantly making comments like ‘when I was your age…,’ it can be frustrating. They do not understand the pace you’re moving at. Instead, they are comparing your accomplishments to theirs. What was important to them may not be as important to you, and the phrase being repeated over and over again can make visiting them difficult.
6. ‘After all I’ve done for you’
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Sometimes, our parents expect us to bend at their will. When they want something, they expect you to deliver it. It could be a visit, a phone call, or something more complicated, like making a special dinner or running errands. This can be frustrating when we are juggling our own lives. Life gets hectic, and finding time to do things for our parents can get complicated. It doesn’t matter how much we want to help out when our schedules don't allow it.
Some parents use guilt to increase contact with their adult children. When they say phrases like, ‘after all I’ve done for you,’ they may be trying to get under your skin. By making you feel guilty, they think they will get what they want. In reality, it pushes their children away.
7. ‘Just being honest’
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Our parents want the best for us. As a result, they may give us unsolicited advice. They’ll make comments that feel targeted and upset you, but play it off as them ‘just being honest.’ Unsolicited advice, or these overly honest thoughts your parents share with you, can cause stress. Their input, especially when it isn’t asked for, can feel overwhelming.
It’s especially harmful when they say something cruel but cover it up with, ‘just being honest.’ It can make it feel like you are not good enough. To avoid these conversations, adult kids may choose to stay away from their parents.
8. ‘You need to visit more’
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When your parents make you feel guilty for not visiting them much, it can be upsetting. The truth is, our lives are busy. From careers to our own families, it’s not always easy to carve out time for other people. Most of us want to see our parents often. When we finally get to spend time with them, and they instantly start playing the guilt game, it’s enough to prevent future visits.
It may not be intentional, but when our parents make comments like this, it gives us a guilt complex. We feel terrible for not seeing them more, and like we can never make it up to them. These comments can push their children away.
9. ‘You need to find a better job’
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The job market today is vastly different than the one our parents worked in. A study conducted by LinkedIn found that many parents do not understand what their children do for work. When they can’t understand the job title, they are likely to give unsolicited advice about their children's jobs. Their outdated mindset towards the job market can cloud their understanding. It can make it hard to have conversations about work with them.
Let’s face it, the job market was better when our parents were our age. They may not understand what has changed with time. Instead, they may push their thoughts onto their kids.
10. ‘Don’t forget family is everything’
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Of course, we all understand that family is important. Most of us want to see our family as much as possible. However, life is hectic. We are all balancing many tasks and obligations. If instead of spending time with our family, we choose a day out with a close friend, it can feel offensive to them. As a result, they may try to remind you that family means everything. Instead of taking time for yourself, you owe it to them.
This pressure can make you put off visiting your family. When you have time to yourself, you don’t exactly want to spend it around those who make you feel guilty. They may not realize that their words are pushing you away.
11. ‘You owe us respect’
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Our parents can make us feel like we owe them everything. Of course, we should be kind to them. However, when they are often telling you how to treat them, they may be toxic. They could be trying to convince you that you need to bow down to them because of everything they’ve done for you growing up. It can make you feel bad about yourself.
Comments like this can make you question yourself. Are you a bad person? What did you do to upset them so much? Instead of dealing with this phrase said often, you may choose to visit less than you would if things were less tense.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
