10 Signs One Of Your Parents Is Going Through A Really Hard Time But Isn't Telling You
fizkes | Shutterstock Many older adults struggling with loneliness and disconnection from their families self-isolate without realizing it, at least according to a study from the Journals of Gerontology. They may reach out to their kids more often digitally, but may simultaneously stay up late watching TV or make excuses for not leaving the house — all of which are signs one of your parents is going through a really hard time but isn't telling you.
Many parents, even once their kids are grown up and out of the house, still want to protect them. They worry about being burdened by sharing their struggles with their kids, even if it's familial support they need to heal and move forward. So, even if your parents aren't sharing these things openly, be intentional about checking in and supporting them before things get hard.
Here are 10 signs one of your parents is going through a really hard time but isn't telling you
1. They call and text more often
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If a parent is reaching out more often, seemingly without anything in particular to talk about, it could be a sign that they're going through a really hard time and looking for comfort. A study from the American Medical Association even found that cell phone calls and text messages are a popular form of connection for aging adults struggling with loneliness.
While it might not be out of the ordinary to talk with your parents every day, if their phone habits and cell phone usage have completely changed, it could be a red flag.
2. They minimize their own feelings
As a means to "protect" their kids and avoid being a burden in their families, struggling parents may dismiss and invalidate their own emotions to cope. Even if they're isolating themselves from the support they need, they're more worried about avoidance and masks than honesty and vulnerability.
Specifically for anxious adults going through a lot, fearing being a burden to others isn't necessarily uncommon, according to a study from Aging & Mental Health. Especially for parents who feel an obligation to their families around them, it's not surprising they resort to this kind of behavior.
3. They never ask for help with anything
Asking for help is uncomfortable for most people, but when a parent is struggling, it can be even more of a challenge. Battling with conflicting internal struggles and fears about burdening their kids, they often refuse to ask for help at all, even if it isolates them from the support they need to heal.
It's one of the signs that one of your parents is going through a really hard time, but isn't telling you — especially if this struggle with asking for help or being open about their daily lives is out of the norm.
4. They have disproportionately emotional responses
As the American Psychological Association explains, suppressing complex emotions like anger doesn't control them or make them go away — it only stores them deep inside. At some point, when you've completely overlooked the need to address them, they'll start to control you — floating to the surface and sparking disproportionate emotional responses in uncomfortable moments.
So, if you notice your parents are overly sad and emotional over small things and unrealistically angry in harmless moments, that could be a sign that they're going through a really hard time and struggling to cope in a healthy way.
5. They're quiet and emotionally distant
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Even if they're still reaching out to cope with loneliness, if a parent is clearly quieter than normal or emotionally distant when you're speaking, it could be a sign that they're going through a really hard time but aren't telling you.
While this kind of emotional disconnection isn't uncommon following hardship or trauma, it's often also a predictor of long-term mental health struggles. So, if your parents are disconnected and emotionally disengaged, lend a helping hand or reach out to support them before they're stuck in a cycle of both isolation and emotional strain.
6. They never complain
Many parents who stop complaining to their kids are upholding a certain kind of persona, even at the expense of connection. They don't want to disappoint, anger, or scare their kids with issues, and complaining about little things when they're struggling with larger adversity can be a risky game to play.
They worry that if they complain about a minor inconvenience, every other suppressed emotion they've held back will come to the surface.
7. They stay busy
Trying to stay busy all the time is often associated with trauma. People who are trying desperately to avoid their own internal struggle stay busy with superficial social events, obligations, and habits, just to escape the turmoil that floods in when in solitude.
While it might be easy to chalk up this avoidance to something entirely healthy, especially for aging adults who typically struggle with social isolation and loneliness, when it's used as a distraction for internal reflection, it's not productive.
8. They're secretive about strange things
According to psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner, keeping secrets not only harms social relationships, but they also have the power to spark emotional turmoil inside the person keeping them, bringing more anxiety, stress, and rumination to their routines.
If a parent is already going through a really hard time but trying to keep it a secret, they're only adding fuel to the fire. Of course, it's likely an effort to misguidedly "protect" their kids, but they're only putting themselves more at risk for exhaustion and other mental health problems.
9. They ask you to come over more often
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While parental guilt-trips, which pressure adult kids to come over at the expense of family relationships' well-being, aren't healthy for seeking out support, honest vulnerability can assist in making this communication productive. Instead of "you must be too busy for us now," parents should use phrases like "I'd love to see you" or "I have some things to talk to you about" to create a truly balanced, supportive family dynamic.
If a parent is asking — or rather, guilting you — to come over more often, without any real explanation for it, chances are they're struggling with a really hard time and aren't sure how to tell you.
10. They seem relieved when you don't pry
When they're not forced to over-explain themselves or make excuses for their lack of energy, enthusiasm, or positivity, it's a relief. However, if your parents seem relieved when you don't pry into their lives or emotions, chances are they're hiding something much larger just underneath the surface.
Of course, it's not easy to hide things, especially large things, from your own family. In these cases, parents who are already struggling are often set up for further emotional turmoil by trying to hide it from their kids.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
