Parents Who Emotionally Exhaust Their Adult Kids Usually Say These 11 Phrases All The Time
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Relationship tensions between parents and their adult children are common, according to a study from Psychology and Aging, but often manifest in unique ways depending on the family dynamic. From unmet needs in childhood to different communication styles, and even generational differences, the things that drive parents and their kids apart later in life often come through in subtle, unsuspecting moments.
While these behaviors and habits might be subtle, they’re often cumulative — growing into resentment and emotional exhaustion on both sides of the aisle. Even in conversations with people who don’t realize it, parents who emotionally exhaust their adult kids usually say certain phrases all the time.
Parents who emotionally exhaust their adult kids usually say these 11 phrases all the time
1. ‘You never visit anymore’
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Even if it feels like a harmless way to seek a bit more comfort and quality time from parents who feel disconnected, guilt-tripping their kids with a phrase like “you never come visit anymore” or “you must be too busy for us now” can backfire quickly.
According to marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein, these guilt-tripping behaviors from parents hardly come from a malicious place, but instead feelings of disconnection and feeling like they’re not a central part of their kids' lives anymore. For parents who let parenting become their entire identity, feeling unimportant or “unneeded” by their kids can be complex and overwhelming, leading to behaivors like this that are otherwise entirely out of the norm.
While their adult kids might come over or fall into the guilt, in the long run, they’ll feel more drained and disconnected than ever. They want quality time to come naturally and be prompted by feelings of shared certainty, not guilt, shame, and internal frustration.
2. ‘You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me’
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Especially later in life, weaponizing basic necessities that they offered as a child, like food or a “roof over their heads,” only pushes adult kids away. Trying to guilt their kids into doing what they say or coming over more often only sparks resentment that sabotages the family dynamic.
That’s why phrases like “you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me” are so toxic and are often one of the things that emotionally exhaust adult kids in conversations with their parents. They want to live their lives and embrace their adult independence, not feel pressured to conform to their parents’ every wish for the sake of appeasing them and “making up for” their childhood needs.
3. ‘You’re so dramatic’
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While obvious forms of gaslighting are often rooted in lying and mistrust, the truth is that, in reality, they’re much more subtle in conversations and interactions. Weaponizing love, dismissing people, and invalidating their emotions are all hallmarks of a gaslighting parent, even if it’s hard to notice their tactics in the present moment.
However, parents who emotionally exhaust their adult kids usually say phrases like “you sound crazy” or “you’re so dramatic” all the time to protect their control over the narrative. Whether it’s talking about their struggles in adult life today or reflecting on childhood experiences, when they open up and get vulnerable, they’re often met with this kind of invalidation.
4. ‘I know what’s best for you’
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Parents who struggle to form their own personal identity outside of parenting often struggle with the disconnection that comes from adult children leaving the home. They no longer feel “needed” by their kids, and often struggle with grasping onto that sense of control and belonging with these overbearing phrases.
From “I know what’s best for you” to “I’m your parent, you have to listen to me,” these emotionally exhausting phrases are ploys at being “important” again. They’re coping with personal discomfort and a loss of identity, but at the expense of their relationships with their kids.
5. ‘This wouldn’t have happened if you listened to me’
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Instead of simply supporting their kids and crafting a safe space for them to be honest, open, and vulnerable, parents who emotionally exhaust their kids lean on phrases like “this wouldn’t have happened if you listened to me” to boost their own image and ego.
They want to feel important to their kids, so they offer unsolicited advice, but when their kids are struggling and following their own path, it feels like a personal attack. That’s why they’re often rude and cruel to their kids who need emotional support — they feel overlooked and dismissed themselves.
6. ‘If I were you...’
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According to a 2020 study, unsolicited and uninvited advice from parents is often perceived as intrusive and unwelcome to adult kids. Especially when they’re coming over to vent about their life and seek warmth or emotional support from their parents, the last thing they want is to be offered a comparison or “solution” to fix away their feelings.
Of course, phrases like “if I were you...” often stem from a good place — a parent who wants to solve their kids' problems and make their lives easier — but that doesn’t mean it’s also not something that drains and emotionally exhausts their kids in conversations.
7. ‘Can’t you take a joke?’
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Gaslighting is meant to alter reality and spark self-doubt, even if it’s not necessarily conscious or intentionally malicious. So, when a parent says something like “can’t you take a joke?” or “it’s just a joke” after saying something hurtful, they’re invalidating your pain and trying to disguise their hurtful comments.
It’s no wonder that parents who emotionally exhaust their adult kids say these phrases all the time — they’re opting out of creating a safe space for their kids’ emotions and instead invalidating them altogether.
8. ‘Well, your brother/sister...’
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Social comparisons are everywhere, and the pressure to feed into them is especially prominent for adult kids of a certain age today on the internet. You’re always being fed content that’s pushing you to buy something, fit a mold, or compare yourself to an unrealistic standard.
So, when you come home — the space that’s supposed to be supportive and warm — to a parent who pressures you to conform to another person, like a sibling, it’s not surprising that it’s emotionally exhausting.
From comparing adult success to their friends’ kids and comparing adult kids to their siblings, parents not only exhaust their kids but also cause tension in the family dynamic that’s hard to come back from without healthy communication skills.
9. ‘I know you better than you know yourself’
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When parents use a phrase like “I know you better than you know yourself” they’re not only pushing them to adopt unrealistic expectations and to conform to their mold, they’re also subtly undermining their sense of autonomy in adulthood.
They don’t feel like they can be their truest, most authentic selves at home, which is emotionally exhausting in any kind of relationship — whether it’s with a parent or not.
10. ‘You should be grateful’
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Especially when a phrase like “you should be grateful” is used to avoid conversations about childhood trauma or expressing concerns in a family dynamic, it’s not surprising that it’s one of the things parents say that emotionally exhausts their children in conversations.
Even though parents shouldn’t feel pressured to take accountability for all of their children’s adult struggles, being willing to discuss and open up about their childhood experiences and concerns is wildly important to heal the dynamic.
Not only is this defensiveness in the face of conversations about trauma exhausting, but it can also feed into amplified post-traumatic stress symptoms for adult kids, according to a study from the European Journal of Psychotraumatology.
11. ‘I guess I don’t matter anymore’
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Even if it comes from a place of insecurity or fear, a phrase like “I guess I don’t matter anymore” doesn’t just weaponize guilt — it’s also a clear symbol of emotional manipulation.
Of course, if your parents have narcissistic tendencies sparking this kind of language, it often comes from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem. They don’t know how to cope with feeling unwanted or unloved, so they weaponize other people’s complex emotions and shame to self-soothe, even if it’s at the expense of their relationships.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
