If Your Parents Say These 11 Things Often, They're Struggling More Than They Admit
Parents struggle with a fear of burdening their adult kids.
fizkes | Shutterstock Many parents find it difficult to ask for help later in life, especially from family members — grappling with a fear of burdening their adult children with struggles and worrying them with concerns. However, they do often need this help, dealing with more physical illness and mental health struggles than their kids do in their old age. Yet, according to a study from BMC Geriatrics, these older parents are simultaneously less likely to seek out help and professional support.
So, if you're an adult child trying to figure out how to better support and empower your parents into getting the help they need, the first step is acknowledging the red flags. Starting with basic conversations, if your parents say these things often, they're struggling more than they admit. So, even if you live far away, it's possible to notice these phrases over the phone or during a brief conversation.
If your parents say these 11 things often, they're struggling more than they admit
1. 'We're getting by'
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Especially as they get older, many aging parents worry that they'll outlive their savings or struggle in retirement in the current economy, according to a study from the Journal of Family and Economic Issues, but don't want to worry their adult children.
They use phrases like "we'll figure it out" or "we're getting by" to undermine their struggle around their kids, even if it's more intense and anxiety-inducing than they'd like to admit. While their kids may not be able to financially support them, recognizing these phrases as red flags for financial distress can allow adult children to emotionally support their parents, combating the loneliness and chronic fatigue that these money stressors generally spark.
2. 'I'll fix it myself'
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Even if they don't have the time, physical strength, or knowledge to fix things like household repairs and car issues, parents who are struggling more than they admit — likely with financial burdens — may use a phrase like "I'll just fix it myself" around their kids. They don't have the money to afford repairpeople and landscapers, so instead they're forced to learn and fix things on their own time.
Especially as many older Americans continue struggling with both housing and healthcare, this willingness to do things themselves — despite being tired or physically limited — could be a sign they're struggling with costs and money in other areas of their lives.
3. 'I don't feel like myself these days'
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While depression is often common in aging adults, compared to other age demographics, individuals with a stronger sense of self-identity and self-esteem tend to cope with its symptoms more effectively, according to a study from Issues in Mental Health Nursing.
However, if your parents say things like "I don't feel like myself these days," it could be a sign that they're having a hard time finding meaning, purpose, and identity in their lives, and are struggling with their mental health more than they admit.
4. 'Everyone's a little forgetful as they age'
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While there are certainly normal changes in cognitive abilities like memory and concentration with age, there's a difference between typical struggles and alarming red flags. If your parents say things like "everyone's a little forgetful as they age" to justify unsettling lapses in memory or judgement, they could be struggling more than they admit.
When forgetfulness and memory loss starts to negatively impact a parent's quality of life and relationships, it might be time to lean into that alarm — finding professional help for them or encouraging them to seek support.
5. 'I'm just tired'
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According to a study from the Milbank Quarterly, self-rated health — a person's individual assessment of their own well-being — becomes more integrated and linked with depression and mental health concerns as individuals get older. So, if a parent is constantly complaining about fatigue or tiredness, it may not be a side effect of their physical mobility, but rather a red flag that they're struggling with depression or loneliness.
Of course, loneliness — something many older parents deal with later in life, especially when disconnected from their adult kids — can predict things like physical health, energy levels, pain, and depression. So, if your parents say these kinds of things often, they're struggling more than they admit — not just physically, but also with their emotional, social, and mental health.
6. 'I don't like worrying about those things'
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Whether it's planning for the future, saving money, or seeking professional mental health support, many older individuals tend to use phrases like this to simultaneously avoid uncomfortable situations and to protect their kids from perceived emotional burdens.
According to a study from BMC Family Practice, it's not uncommon for older adults to avoid expressing their needs and to suppress their discomfort in the face of others — largely due to mental health concerns and even deep-rooted stigmas. So, if a parent is constantly avoiding these hard conversations or using phrases like "I don't like fussing over that" when you're talking, it could be a red flag that they're struggling more than they admit.
7. 'I haven't been up to going out'
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Avoiding social interactions and withdrawing from social events isn't just a warning sign for diseases like Alzheimer's, according to experts from the CDC, it's also a side effect of the chronic loneliness many older individuals face later in life.
Not only does this kind of behavior set older parents up for quicker cognitive and social decline, it amplifies the mental health concerns that they're already at an increased risk for struggling with. So, if your parents say things like "I haven't been up to going out" or "I'd prefer to stay home" often, don't simply acknowledge or avoid talking about it — figure out where they need help and support.
8. 'I don't have time for hobbies anymore'
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Having and indulging in hobbies on a consistent basis can help to improve an older individual's quality of life and general happiness, according to a study from Nature Portfolio, which is why a phrase like this is so alarming. If your parents say these things often — avoiding the intention and energy of hobbies and healthy habits — they're probably struggling more than they admit.
Not only are they missing out on the physical and mental benefits of having strong hobbies, they may be suffering from a loss of identity and self-concept that negatively affects other areas of their lives.
9. 'I don't sleep like I used to'
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While it's relatively normal for people's sleep patterns and routines to shift as they get older, having worsened sleep quality or duration could be a sign that an aging parent is struggling more than they admit. Not only are sleep issues associated with loneliness, social isolation, and mental health concerns, they could also be early signs of larger, more unsettling chronic conditions and physical illnesses.
So if you're always hearing about how tired your parents are or noticing phrases like "I don't sleep like I used to" coming up in conversation more frequently, it could be a sign that your parents are struggling and need some kind of support.
10. 'I'm just taking it one day at a time'
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Especially later in their lives, aging adults may struggle with rationality, making decisions, and cognitive abilities, like a study from Public Policy & Aging Report suggests, making it harder for them to plan for the future and consider the big picture of their daily habits, routines, and rituals.
If your parents say these kinds of things often, they could be struggling with these internal cognitive things, but they could also be dealing with mental health struggles that make planning ahead and garnering motivation much more difficult.
11. 'You never call anymore'
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Especially as their kids leave the home and their connections with social networks dwindle, many older adults struggle with the consequences of loneliness — not just when it comes to mental health, but also physical experiences.
The anxiety of social isolation and its subsequent loneliness puts aging individuals' cognitive abilities at risk, which is why things like random check-ins, phone calls, and weekend trips can be more profoundly important than they seem.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
