Parents Who Secretly Favor One Child Usually Show It In These 11 Small Ways
When a parent plays favorites, it's usually seen in the little things they do and say.
Tursk Aleksandra | Shutterstock Even if it seems like a fallacy in discussions about family dynamics, favoritism amongst children is actually more real than it may seem, according to a study from the Psychological Bulletin. Most parents do have a favorite child in their families, even if they’re not entirely aware of it, and that subconscious, secret, and hidden favoritism can spark resentment, tension, and division.
From subtle mistreatment of certain siblings, to hidden language and slang, and even setting expectations, parents who secretly favor one child usually show it in these small ways. With more than 65% of families experiencing the subtle consequences of favoritism, but many not realizing it, it’s clear that many of these behaviors are subtle. By recognizing how you may be favoring a child or reaping the consequences of your own parents' misguided behavior, you can create a better, healthier, and more balanced path forward.
Parents who secretly favor one child usually show it in these 11 small ways:
1. They set unrealistic expectations for the other kids
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Like a study from the Child Development journal suggests, parents who regularly praise their children instill a sense of motivation, self-discipline, and confidence within them that greatly influences their success later in life. Whether it’s celebrating their kids for certain milestones or encouraging them to meet realistic goals, this empowerment between kids and their parents teaches them about hard work and the benefits of consistency.
However, when a parent only sets these kinds of achievable expectations for one of their children and unrealistic ones for the rest — praising their favorite child consistently more than others — it can have the opposite effect. Not only does this behavior sabotage a child’s self-worth and sense of self-confidence, but it also isolates them from the connection, trust, and empowerment that children with favorite parents experience with their parents.
Parents who secretly favor one child may be setting these expectations without even realizing it, holding children they view as more accountable, intelligent, or competent to higher standards. At the same time, their “favorite” is coddled.
2. They brag about them more
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When they run into a friend at the grocery store or send out Christmas cards every year, parents who secretly favor one child usually show it by bragging about them more than the others.
Even if the rest of their kids are doing cool things and achieving their dreams, parents with a tendency for favoritism tend to favor the kids whose values and goals align with their own. Like a study from the Psychology & Aging journal argues, this misalignment of values is a huge driver of tension in the parent-child relationship into adulthood, especially in households where parents are favoring siblings with similar life paths and interests.
3. They give them more time and attention
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Parents who secretly favor one child usually show it in small ways, like spending a little more time with them or offering them more attention than their siblings. Whether it’s shared values, hobbies, or life paths that bond them, they feel more comfortable, valued, and seen spending time with this child, so they gravitate toward it in little ways that usually only their other kids notice.
Even into adulthood, this quality time and affection are important for both parents and children — feeling valued by their adult kids is one of the biggest predictors of wellbeing in parents later in life, according to a study from The Journal of Positive Psychology.
So, if they’re spending more time and attention with one child — building a stronger connection with them into adulthood — it’s not surprising that they lean into that favoritism as it continues to benefit their mental and physical health.
4. They’re more critical of the others
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Having a highly critical parent and not receiving support growing up can lead to some unfavorable outcomes later in life, according to a study from the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, including depression, low self-esteem, and difficulty building strong relationships. Even if they don’t realize it, these critical and judgmental behaviors can be a side effect of favoritism from parents — they praise and reward one child, while offering cruelty and frustration to the others.
Even if it’s disciplining children in different ways or being more critical of one’s interests, appearance, or relationships, it can leave a lasting impression on their children for life, and even strain their sibling relationships once they’re out of the house.
5. They give them more independence
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Parents who secretly favor one child usually show it by offering them more independence. Whether it’s having more freedom to leave the house, experiment, or wield power at home, it tends to spark resentment and tensions between the favored child and their siblings in unhealthy ways.
Even though they only offer this independence and empowerment to one child, the others tend to seek it out in much less helpful and healthy ways. According to a study from the Family Process journal, children whose parents don’t favor them in these situations tend to engage in more risky behaviors — not only to seek attention, but to cope with their heightened experiences of depression.
6. They always take their side
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According to a study from the Journal of Family Psychology, parental favoritism at home often sparks low self-esteem and self-worth concerns in the children they don’t favor. They feel more isolated, lonely, and unworthy, especially in the face of their parents’ clear preference for a sibling.
They’re not only stripped of their freedom for authenticity and unconditional love, forced to work for and prove themselves worthy of the rights a favored sibling gets for “free” — they also tend to grow disconnected from their parents. Many parents with favoritism tendencies even take one child’s side more than the other, making excuses and encouraging them not to take accountability at the benefit of their siblings.
7. They forgive them faster
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Parents who secretly favor one child usually show it by forgiving them quicker and generally avoiding conflict around them. Even if they’re hyper-critical and rude to other kids at home, their favored child is generally celebrated, despite never offering apologies, taking accountability, or being disciplined in the same way as their siblings.
Even if it seems obvious that forgiveness is a key indicator of relationship health, like a study from the Communication Studies journal argues, it also contributes to the development of a child’s communication skills later in life. So, not only are these parents sabotaging their children’s communication skills by holding them to unrealistic standards and blaming them for everything, they’re harming their favored child’s capacity for navigating conflict, as well.
8. They constantly compare them to their siblings
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No matter what their favored child does, excels at, or achieves, parents with a tendency toward secret favoritism will use them as a role model for other siblings. They also put them on a pedestal, so their other kids are constantly trying to prove themselves worthy of the same praise, attention, and validation.
Parents who secretly favor one child usually show it by making comparisons — from academic work, to extracurricular success, and plans, their favored child is the perceived “goal” for everyone to work toward.
They also use phrases like “Why aren’t you more like your brother?” or “your sister knows how to do it” to make comparisons, often at the expense of their kids' wellbeing, mental health, and self-esteem.
9. They're warmer and more affectionate with them
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According to a study from the Development and Psychopathology journal, children who receive more affection and warmth from their parents growing up tend to have better psychological, social, and physical outcomes than those who don’t. So, even if weaponizing affection and withholding warmth from certain children feels like a subtle and secret way to favor others, it has long-term consequences.
Parents who secretly favor one child may not even realize they’re warmer with certain kids. From offering them help and advice more often, to being more lenient with rules, and even celebrating their small tasks — while other siblings fight for attention and validation — these behaviors can be subtle.
10. They use the others as scapegoats
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Even though dealing with favoritism from parents as a child has its array of social and psychological consequences, later in life, these experiences can spiral into larger concerns, like experiencing homelessness, living in low-income situations, and falling into a cycle of toxic relationships.
According to a study from the Journal of Family Issues, many people who become homeless later in life deal with strained relationships at home and with their parents, many of which stem from parental disfavoritism. They were the “problem children” while their siblings were “angels,” and that separation led to risky behaviors, attention-seeking, and other struggles with mental health and low self-esteem.
So even if parents are secretly and sneakily showing favoritism, phrases like “this is all your fault” and “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” can have long-term, serious consequences for their children.
11. They pit siblings against each other
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Rather than find ways to divide their time, attention, and labor to make every sibling feel important and valued, parents with favoritism tendencies focus it all on a single child. Whether they intentionally pit their kids against each other with language and actions or not, they tend to spark tension in their family dynamics that can have long-term consequences.
Especially considering stable sibling relationships are fundamental to our health and wellbeing into adulthood, according to a study from the Journal of Family Psychology, feeling constant resentment and frustration with siblings for having all the best parts of their parents can erode that connection quickly.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
