If Your Adult Children Truly Cherish You Now, You Did 11 Specific Things Right
Goksi | Shutterstock It's easy to lose connection with your children when they grow up, especially if you refuse to see them as the unique adults they've become. Fortunately, that is a fate that's avoidable when parents do a few key things right.
If your adult kids cherish you and want you around, you've likely adapted well to life as the parent of adults. As therapist Sharon Martin writes, "Our role is no longer to manage or direct our adult children, but to mentor and accept them." And you likely did just that, which is how you laded here, checking in to make sure you've done the best you can for your parent-child relationship.
If your adult children truly cherish you now, you did 11 specific things right
1. You made sure they felt truly heard
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People who genuinely cherish their parents felt intentionally heard by their parents. Their parents made sure to cultivate a safe space for emotional expression, adversity, and vulnerability.
The practice of active listening is an emotional experience, one that can help both the speaker and the listener to feel more engaged and bonded. In order for this to happen, they must recognize active listening cues, such as thoughtful questions, in their interactions.
If your adult kids still seem to adore you, it's probably because you made sure they always felt heard, even during their turbulent teens and now while they're adults. And what a gift that is for both of you.
2. You supported them without judgment
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According to the UCLA Center for the Developing Adolescent, adult children’s self-esteem stems from a secure and supportive relationship with their parents. This doesn't just happen by accident. It means you put your heart into showing up for them without judgment.
Feeling secure and supported, rather than unfairly judged or criticized, is one of the reasons people continue to cherish their parents later in life. They feel safe to talk about the hard stuff they're going through, knowing their parents will be honest (but kind) when giving feedback.
3. You've always supported their autonomy
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Few parents plan to support their adult child forever and even fewer plan on being dependent forever. But that's where the assumptions stop, as parents and their grown kids often have very different expectations for how independent the kids will be and at what age.
Maybe you had hoped you child would use their math skills to become an engineer, but they want to try their hand at being a musician. If that child still cherishes you now, you probably made it clear that your love was unconditional and that you want them to follow their dreams instead of needing to take over yours.
4. You wait to offer advice until they asked
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If your adult kids love being around you, it's highly likely you only give advice when they ask for it. This is common sense, yes, but it has also been confirmed in research where adult kids reported that unsolicited advice was correlated with negative feelings about the parent.
Refraining from sharing unsolicited advice can be challenging for parents, especially when it seems like the kid is making a big mistake. However, unless they're in danger or seriously risking security or safety, it's important to hold back. But if you're still close with your kids, you probably already know that!
5. You never lorded power over them
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When kids are young, their parents inherently have power over them, and that's how it's meant to be. Too much power isn't healthy for kids, as they need to know their parents will keep them safe, even from their own bad choices at an age-appropriate level.
That's why it can be hard for parents to let their adult kids grow into the role of equals. Maintaining an authoritative role works incredibly well with kids, and parents never stop wanting to protect their kids, so it's easy to slip into it as they grow, too. Sadly, this pushes grown kids away.
By focusing on mutual respect, neither parents nor their adult children feel manipulated into doing things they don’t want to do. Both parent and child know that they'll never have to sabotage their well-being to appease the other.
6. You empowered them to live their dreams
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Parents cannot help but have dreams for their kids, even from an early age. Maybe they dream their little slugger will become an MLB star or that they'll grow up to have an amazing family of their own.
Whatever the shape of the dreams you had for your kids, if they've remained close to you even as adults, it's highly likely you empowered them to live their dreams, even if they didn't match yours.
Adult children can live their adult lives and protect their dreams, and healthy parents can appreciate their kids' dreams while also living their own lives. When this happens, you can start dreaming your own dreams again, too.
7. You still spend quality time together
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Even once they’ve moved out, started their own lives, adult children still want to feel occasionally prioritized and cared for by their parents. Families who continue to make space for quality time in throughout their kids' lives tend to maintain a healthier, more secure dynamic.
If your kids cherish you even now, you've probably figured out how to balance quality time with your kids with letting them dictate the terms of their lives. They likely spend the majority of their time with friends, partners or their kids, but they still love coming home to you.
8. You're warm and affectionate when they need it
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If you're one of the lucky older adults whose adult kids still seem to adore you, it's highly likely you were a warm parent when they were little and are still affecitonate now when they need you.
Most people know that parental warmth during childhood is one of the most important predictors of childhood well-being and happiness early in life. But it's also key for adult children's relationships with their parents, too.
For adult children, having a safe and secure place to come home to with their parents is key to navigating the adversities of early adulthood. People who cherish their parents typically have a warm and inviting parental relationship to rely on when things get tough. They, in turn, offer hugs and affection when their parents need it.
9. You can talk about childhood adversity openly
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Considering many young adults are recognizing the link between childhood experiences and struggles as adults, it’s not surprising there’s an uptick in tensions around conversations about childhood trauma. If your grown kids feel comfortable talking to you about the past, and you respond with openness, it's likely they cherish you for it.
Great parents can listen to and support their kids, even when they don’t necessarily agree with their recollections of events or their claims. They can help their kids manage their emotions without offending, even in conversations about childhood trauma or grief.
Even when they don’t agree or have wildly different opinions, they find a way to connect on the emotion. If that means occasionally avoiding topics they know spark conflict, that’s what they do.
Given how many young adults these days are going no-contact with their parents, you know how important it is to be open to these conversations, even when they're uncomfortable.
10. You respect each other
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Mutual respect is the foundation for any healthy relationship, which is why your adult kids still feel so close to you now. You show up for them, but don't take over. You listen and only advise when they ask for your opinion and you trust them to know what's best for themselves. In other words, you respect your adult children.
Parents who lead with empathy and trust their kids make the time to learn, understand, and respect their adult children’s boundaries and vice versa. They know that without a basic foundation of respect, there is no room for growth, understanding, or effective communication.
As your kids became adults, you started to realize how much they could teach you. That's why they adore you. You're growing together, which opens them up to learning from them.
11. You've allowed them to truly know you
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According to psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, part of the reason many adult children and parents grow resentful of each other later in life is that the parents struggle to recognize the ways they hurt their adult kids. This makes it hard for their kids to relate to them.
However, people who cherish their parents as they age usually understand them on a deeper level. They don't understand why their parents make the mistakes they make, and they never see them vulnerable enough to know them.
If your kids still cherish you all these years later, you've probably shown them who you are. You've been vulnerable and apologized when you've caused pain, and told your kids about your past and how it influences you today. Not as an excuse, but as context when appropriate.
Too many families drift apart when kids grow up, but it doesn't have to be this way. If you allow them to be who they are, show them respect and allow them to truly know you, they'll stay close for life.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
