Parents Whose Grown Kids Pretty Much Hate Them Usually Share These 11 Problematic Traits
Pormezz | Shutterstock When children grow into adults, they sometimes don't have a close relationship with their parents. It's unfortunately, but according to data from a Pillemer survey, nearly 27% of adults report that they'd gone "no contact" with a family member, with 10% admitting it was a parent, which is a nearly 7% increase from research conducted a decade prior.
As this complex discussion of estrangement and childhood trauma continues to grow more mainstream, this trend will likely continue, as adult children set healthy boundaries and acknowledge the traumas they've endured. There's no sole reason for an estrangement, but it usually has to do with a parent's behavior. As such, parents whose grown kids pretty much hate them usually share certain problematic traits that, once their kids grow up, influence the decision-making of this impactful relationship shift.
Parents whose grown kids pretty much hate them usually share these 11 problematic traits
1. They're closed-minded
In The Light Photography | Shutterstock
Unable to accept changing societal norms, specifically the ones that prompt difficult conversations in toxic family dynamics, many parents have lived in a constant defensive position as a means of self-preservation. Instead of channeling vulnerability or working on their emotional intelligence, they close themselves off to their adult kids, letting their needs go unaddressed.
Adult children don't make the decision to cut off contact or stop communicating with their parents lightly; in fact, it's almost always informed by decades of trauma, experiences, and resentment sparked by unmet needs and toxicity. When their parents are closed off to discussing those things, or at least supporting their kids as they work through them, they sacrifice the entire relationship.
2. They struggle with open communication
fizkes | Shutterstock
Open communication is the hallmark of any healthy relationship, as it not only helps to resolve conflicts and express empathy toward another person, but it provides healthy avenues to resolve and heal from childhood trauma, especially for adult children still struggling to move forward. Unfortunately, whether it's not letting them express their emotions or refusing to have important conversations, parents whose grown kids pretty much hate them usually share these problematic traits.
Like a study from the American Journal of Speech-Language Pathology explains, children with childhood trauma who have experienced mistreatment from their parents often struggle to develop healthy communication styles, having constantly compensated for their parents early in life.
Burdened with protecting their parents' emotional fragility growing up, adult children oftentimes feel obligated to do the same in adulthood, withholding their concerns and emotions to "protect the peace" in their relationship. When that becomes too heavy of a burden to carry, especially amid the stressors of adult life, those adult children become resentful.
3. They don't respect boundaries
fizkes | Shutterstock
Like the book "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Catherine suggests, there's no way to avoid the discomfort that setting boundaries brings, especially in a toxic family dynamic or with an unhealthy family member. Healthy parents respect their adult children's needs, whether they're physical or emotional, while toxic parents tend to debate them.
At a foundational level, parents whose grown kids pretty much hate them do so because they don't respect boundaries. Their adult kids didn't feel heard, understood, or believed growing up, and that disrespect never faded into adulthood. Healthy boundaries are a way for everyone to feel more comfortable over time, and if a parent refuses to respect them, they're only invalidating what their children need.
4. They're blame-shifters
fizkes | Shutterstock
Failing to take accountability for their actions and shifting blame are innately narcissistic traits that many toxic parents have. And according to a Smith College study, it often evokes feelings of unworthiness and deep-rooted insecurity in their children into adulthood. This tendency often emotionally drains children when they're together, causing a separation that often fuels "no contact" orders.
Disillusioned by their parents' emotional invalidation and subsequently drained from every interaction they share, adult children tend to grow resentful of their parents into adulthood, exhausted with having to beg for positive attention or genuine support.
5. They're overly competitive
Chokniti Studio | Shutterstock
Many overly critical parents operate from a place of insecurity, subconsciously demeaning or sabotaging their adult children's achievements as a means to self-soothe their own difficult emotions. Embarrassed by their own personal success or struggling with narcissistic tendencies that make them feel superior, they contribute to a competitive environment with their children.
Parental jealousy isn't uncommon; in fact, psychiatrist Barton Goldsmith argues that inherent feelings of envy or embarrassment can manifest in a variety of ways that many children have experienced at least once in their lives. Unfortunately, parents whose grown kids pretty much hate them usually share these problematic traits.
Children burdened with this guilt and shame from their parents often struggle with their self-esteem and personal agency, affecting their ability to seek out healthy relationships and lead with confidence in adulthood.
6. They resort to frustration instead of empathy
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock
According to psychologist Bernard Golden, emotional intelligence acts as "a buffer" against destructive anger, especially in conflicts and disagreements within close relationships. Instead of opening themselves up to insightful conversations about difficult emotions and helping to support their adult children, many toxic parents resort to frustration, unable to verbalize their own concerns.
This belittling of their adult children's sensitivity and emotional vulnerability closes the door to open communication, a necessary practice for maintaining a healthy relationship. Isolating both parties and sparking the all-too-common experience of resentment, these familial relationships continue to cycle through toxic interactions until one person enforces necessary boundaries.
7. They feel entitled to their adult child's space, energy, and time
fizkes | Shutterstock
According to the book "Family Ties and Aging," societal expectations for adult children to become caregivers for adults later in life, both physically and emotionally, is a burden of support that can be complex to navigate in tumultuous family dynamics.
While a toxic parent may feel a sense of entitlement to this care from their adult children, this constant reliance can channel resentment and eventual estrangement. If an adult child didn't get their needs met growing up, they're likely less motivated to support their parents in adulthood, especially if they're in the process of unlearning tendencies like people-pleasing.
8. They're unapologetic
fizkes | Shutterstock
Many adult children and parents struggle to find common ground later in life, especially when one or both is burdened with unresolved childhood trauma, as they often have different recollections of the past. Instead of acknowledging their adult child's emotions about an experience, even if they remember it differently, parents whose grown kids pretty much hate them usually resort to defensiveness.
Empathy can go a long way, especially in a family dynamic that's constantly evolving over time. Healthy parents make space for open discussions, empathetic responses to their children's emotions, and boundaries that safeguard everyone's emotional well-being.
9. They're unappreciative or inconsiderate
fizkes | Shutterstock
Many adult children who have tumultuous relationships with their parents grow up feeling hyper-sensitive to their emotions, often developing people-pleasing tendencies as a means to cope and "protect the peace." Into adulthood, those coping mechanisms and relational behaviors don't simply vanish, they continue to inform and influence not only the health of their other social connections, but the well-being of their family dynamic.
When parents are unappreciative or unapologetic to the emotional taxation they spark in their adult children, especially at their own expense, their grown kids pretty much hate them as a result. It creates a toxic cycle where adult children's feelings aren't acknowledged and their needs are consistently not met.
10. They're insecure
fizkes | Shutterstock
Many older people struggle with a kind of insecurity that influences their heightened rates of loneliness, social connections, and societal ageism, according to a study from the Scandinavian Journal of Public Health. Especially for individuals who lack emotional intelligence and empathy, they often fail to achieve the emotional stability they need with external validation and attention-seeking behaviors.
Instead, these parents rely on their families, more specifically their adult children, to bear the burden of their loneliness. Because they're insecure, they often blame and guilt them into subjecting themselves to unhealthy connections to protect their own well-being.
11. They don't show affection
wavebreakmedia | Shutterstock
Perhaps the most damaging indication of a grown adult who practically hates their parents is the lack of affection they experienced growing up. While good parents nurture and teach their kids, some parents refused to show any vulnerability with their children, choosing instead a tough exterior and never showing any affectionate moments.
Unfortunately, as a University of Notre Dame study found, while adults who experienced more affection in childhood displayed less anxiety and more compassion, those who experienced less affection tended to struggle with mental health and were less likely to relate to another person's perspective. Consider this, it's no wonder the children of parents who lacked fondness for their kids don't hear from them once they grow up.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
