Adult Children Raised By Narcissistic Moms Grow Up Believing These 12 Awful Lies
Mother didn't always know best, and her kids suffered because of it.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock You don't have to wonder where your self-doubts came from if you had a narcissistic mother. As a child, you wanted to please her, but nothing was ever good enough. She withheld her love, acceptance, and approval to always have power over you. It's unfortunate, but a narcissistic mother shapes you in ways that confuse and confound you.
Whether it was crushing your self-esteem, making you fearful, or feeling like you'd never accomplish anything, there are plenty of awful lies adult children raised by narcissistic moms grow up believing. But as an adult, you can say no to the ever-running script in the back of your mind that tells you these lies; then, you can replace them with the truth.
Here are 12 awful lies adult children raised by narcissistic moms grow up believing
1. You're too much trouble
Zivica Kerkez | Shutterstock
For people raised by a narcissistic mother, she resented everything that went into child-rearing. She tried to get out of it as much as possible, leaving her child or children to fend for themselves.
As a child, you were to be seen and not heard unless you were excelling at something she could bask in the glory of — and take the credit for. Otherwise, you asked too many questions, wanted too much and, generally, were not worth bothering with.
2. You're not good enough
Rawpixel.com | Shutterstock
One of the truly awful lies adult children raised by narcissistic moms grow up believing is that they weren't good enough. Even if they went above and beyond to please her, she withheld approval. If she didn't keep the lid on your self-esteem, she feared you would outshine her.
As professor and abuse recovery coach Anne M. Champion explained, narcissists fear people because they not only worry that others will be better than them, but will unmask them and reveal the truth. And for a narcissistic mother, no matter what a small and bitter life she was leading, she lived in constant fear that you would be seen as better than her.
3. You're not worth spending time with
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Your narcissistic mom likely did not enjoy raising you or being with you. Her idea of a good time was to find ways to be appreciated and significant. And for her, you couldn't provide that. You were little, incapable, or uninteresting, and she needed validation you couldn't give.
As a child, you were tossed to the side and suffered from low self-esteem, which you likely carried into adulthood. Perhaps you were constantly alone or were a latchkey kid, and maybe for no other reason than you couldn't give her what she needed.
4. You're not important
Gorodenkoff | Shutterstock
You couldn't fulfill her needs, so you may have been pushed aside. You felt as though you weren't important and she didn't care about you. And you were right because narcissists really only care about themselves.
Because she saw you as unimportant, she left you feeling as though you didn't matter, and that may be carried on now in the way that you settle for far less of everything in life than you deserve.
5. You're supposed to please other people, especially her
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock
Even though you're now an adult, you still long for your mother's love and approval. That's the way it goes when you have a narcissistic mother. In a healthy relationship, your mother would love and accept you just because you breathe, but narcissists' brains don't work that way.
Your narcissistic mother taught you that you had no inherent worth. Your worth came from making her look good, and from doing what she wanted and told you to do.
6. You're not intelligent
Gorodenkoff | Shutterstock
Telling her kids that they weren't intelligent is another of the awful lies adult children raised by narcissistic moms grow up believing. Not only were they told they weren't smart enough, but that she was more intelligent and better. You were supposed to figure out how to make your narcissistic mother happy, and you got that message when you were very small.
It's not your job, but she may have turned you into a people-pleaser or a doormat. As an adult, you have the power to straighten up and stand up. Please yourself and everything will work better.
7. You're incapable
AstroStar | Shutterstock
A narcissistic mother thinks she does everything better than others, especially her child. Even if she's never tried something, she's sure she could do it better, or she'll point out other people who do it better than you, specifically. This can stop you from following your interests and learning new things in adulthood.
Raised by narcissistic parents herself, Clare Lane revealed, "Narcissists have to be and feel superior, and one way is by constantly being better than someone else... The competition doesn't always have to be about achievements. It could be about anything at all. Their resentment and jealousy of you feeds them and keeps them going in this unreturned and often unrecognized quest against you."
8. You're incompetent
Africa Studio | Shutterstock
You needed to be perfect and that was the only standard worth achieving. As one of the awful lies adult children raised by narcissistic moms grow up believing, it meant that anything less than perfection was incompetent. And even when you'd succeed beautifully, she couldn't bring herself to approve of or reward you.
Narcissistic mothers are masters at moving the goalposts so that you can never be seen as achieving enough. "The narcissist wants to see you constantly proving yourself to them so your strengths are never seen, but rather, your flaws are always front and center. The narcissist does this to deliberately keep you jumping through hoops and vying for their approval and validation," sociologist and writer Candace Ranee said.
9. You can't make good decisions
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock
Your narcissistic mother was endlessly happy to point out what you couldn't do. She played the "what if" game constantly: what if you'd tried harder, what if you hadn't had that education she provided, what if you hadn't spent so much time focusing on your studies?
Narcissistic mothers make you second-guess yourself constantly. Licensed marriage and family Dan Neuharth added, "Narcissists use scrutiny or intimidation to make others second-guess themselves. Doing so gives them a feeling of power and control."
10. You shouldn't take risks
Leszek Glasner | Shutterstock
"What if you fail? You'll make me look bad" — that's what a narcissistic mother is all about: looking good and keeping up her reputation. Put that with her need to compete with you and you can see where you can never win. When you did take risks and succeeded, she downplayed your accomplishments and took credit for all she had done to make it possible.
It's all about her, and it's a mindset you take into adulthood, avoiding taking risks for fear of disappointing her. You doubt yourself when the opportunity presents itself, and it's really unfortunate.
11. You're defensive
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock
When you grow up with a narcissistic mother, you constantly wait for the other shoe to drop. You know you cannot be right and you will be wrong. Narcissistic mothers are the masters of fault-finding, too. The potential downside of you and everything is front and center in her mind.
So, you're always mounting a defense in your head, even into adulthood. You're always ready for the onslaught, the criticism, and the fight. And if you talk back to her — no matter how honest, true, or practical you are — you will always be accused of being defensive.
12. You're nothing without her
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock
That has been the hew and cry from your narcissistic mother since the moment you took your first step: "How dare you be separate from me? How dare you make decisions on your own? How dare you not do, believe, accept, and aspire to exactly what I tell you to? How dare you dream big?"
It's all about comparing herself with you and making her look good. And how dare you be better than she thinks she is? Don't let your narcissistic mother ever rain on your parade again. Instead, take your power back.
Rhoberta Shaler, Ph.D., is a relationship consultant, speaker, educator, and author of sixteen books who has spent the past 30 years helping couples navigate challenging relationships.
