Parents Who Aren't Close To Their Adult Kids Usually Made These 11 Small Mistakes
Taking inventory of the ways you may have alienated your children is the only way to reconnect with them now.
shurkin_son / Shutterstock As a writer, I often notice trends in discussions about relationships, family, and life in general. However, some aren’t “trends” as much as they are a massive paradigm shift in one’s thinking. Parental estrangement isn't just a trendy topic. It’s a serious issue that is harming and changing many families out there right now.
Many estranged parents wonder what they did to get pushed away by their children. Even if they’re just low-contact, it’s a question that’s common enough. Let’s talk about the most common reason so many people end up ditching family (in large and small quantities) later on.
Parents who aren't close to their adult kids usually made these 11 small mistakes
1. Being too tough on them
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Yes, a little tough love is actually good for a child’s growth. It’s always okay to tell it how it is. However, there’s a certain point where well-meaning toughness (like “Tiger Parenting”) can end up hurting more than helping.
In fact, research on tiger parenting has found that this method can be highly problematic because it can actually be "harmful to children's well-being and academic success."
2. Poking fun at them too much
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I know, I know…is it even parenting if you don’t get to poke fun at your kids once in a blue moon? I mean, that’s part of parenting, right? Well, yes and no. A little ribbing followed by loving remarks might be fine.
You may have seen "Family Guy," and the way that Meg ends up as the family joke punching bag. It’s funny in cartoons, but if your child feels like they are the subject of every joke, you shouldn’t be shocked if they end up backing away from you once they’re grown.
3. Staying with a toxic partner
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We’ve all heard about how abusers tend to isolate victims from their loved ones. While one’s parents are rarely the first ones they try to pry away, they often end up being cleaved away through an abuser’s manipulations after some time passes.
The truth is that abusers do this by design. They function best when their victim has no one to turn to. It’s not your fault. If anything, the only small mistake here is not pointing out the problematic behavior of the abusive partner, not that it always helps.
4. Being detrimental to their mental health
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Be honest for a moment. Were you a good parent? Sure, you may have tried, but were you actually successful at being a stable parent? Were you able to give them a roof over their head, a life where they felt safe, and a life where they didn’t feel judged?
In many cases, the reason why kids go low-contact with their parents is due to the long-term effects their parents had on their mental health. If you gave them an unstable childhood or raised them in an environment that was dangerous, they may have cut ties with you now.
Fortunately, sometimes, time heals wounds that you might be surprised about.
5. Neglecting them
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When it comes to relationships of all kinds, you often get what you give. If your child grew up seeing empty chairs at their sports games or school plays, that kind of stuff sticks with them. Children tend to remember if they felt like an afterthought in their families, especially if another sibling was treated far better than they were.
Counselors note that many adult children eventually back away from their families as a result of feeling like they were never their family’s first choice. It’s a sign that a child felt neglected. It’s important to remember that while you might have felt like you gave your child enough attention, that’s not always how they feel. Sadly, it’s their feelings that call the shots at the end of the day.
6. Not listening to them
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Let’s face it: we all have moments when we tune kids out. Maybe it’s because we thought they weren't serious when they said they wanted to go to a certain play or because you were bored with their chatter. Or maybe it’s because we only heard what we wanted to hear.
Regardless of the reasons, children pick up on it when their parents aren’t really tuning in. Even if it’s not a full estrangement, there’s often a palpable space that can be felt when parents didn’t listen the way they should have.
7. Asking for too many favors
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It’s not a secret that many adult children cut their parents off as a result of financial abuse or an unusually heavy amount of work expected from them. Most parents don’t realize they’re making their kids uncomfortable when asking for money.
Asking to borrow some cash once in a while is fine. However, if you’re constantly asking for money, rides to the doctor, and other one-sided favors, you might be pushing your child’s boundaries a bit too much.
8. Being too clingy
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We all have heard of parents who just didn’t want their kids to leave their side, no matter how old they got. It’s normal to want to keep your kids around for a bit, but there’s a certain point where you have to cut the cord.
You might think that you’re not being clingy, but if it gets to mild arguments and guilt-tripping for extra time with the kids, it might be time to just back away. You might be surprised at how much smoother your relationship will be.
9. Awkward political rants
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This is no joke! If you thought you were okay venting about controversial topics, that may be what’s causing a rift in your relationships. Around four in 10 young adults have gone no-contact or low-contact with a parent or family member due to controversial topics.
Your best bet is to skip the politics talk, especially if you notice that it’s become upsetting to your loved ones. (Or better still, reevaluate your talk altogether.)
10. Forgetting to call
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Want to get close to your kiddo as an adult? Well, relationships are a two-way street. If you haven’t called them for a while, don’t panic. Just pick up the phone and ask them if they want to hang out.
More often than not, your family members will be happy to oblige, especially if you haven’t spoken in a minute.
11. Focusing too much on yourself
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We all have been there, right? That moment when you’re stuck in a situation that is a fairly one-way street, right? If your children feel like meetups are all about you, it might not be that fun for them to link up with you.
Rather than focus on your needs, focus on theirs. You might be surprised at what you get in return.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
