Talking to your partner about your insecurities before sex will help your confidence.
I receive dozens of emails every week from men and women with burning questions about their sex and love lives, particularly about sex positions. While I can't respond to them all individually, I thought I'd start sharing some of them so that everyone can benefit from the answers.
Let's start with a question that I hear time and again from women, whether they view themselves as overweight, like this reader, or feel a bit "less-than-perfect." And that, by the way, is all of us.
Dear Dr. Joy,
Am I too fat to get on top? I weigh more than my man and I feel weird getting on top, but I can’t orgasm in the missionary or doggie style sex positions. I sometimes fake it for his sake, and I know that if I got on top, I could get there. I'm afraid he’ll hate my rolls and that I’ll be too heavy for him to handle. What do you think?
Dear Nervous Cowgirl,
Relax, Cowgirl — riding on top doesn’t mean crushing a man with all your weight. If it did, even a 110-pound woman would be too heavy for most men to handle. You just don't know how to do cowgirl position! Think about what you really do in the saddle. Don’t you use your thighs and, sometimes, your outstretched arms, to support you while your hips bob up and down or gyrate to an inner rhythm?
The trick is doing enough strength training outside the bedroom to manage the workout that your legs get during sex.
My true concern is your shame about your body; your fear that he'll judge the "rolls" he already knows you have and probably loves. You're not alone with your worries, though. Sadly, most women carry deep insecurities about their shape and size, thanks in part to the popular media and the "thin" mantra drummed into our heads from the time we're toddlers.
Even though one man’s approval won't cure decades worth of brutal social conditioning, talking about your feelings with your special guy should help. Clearly, he finds you hot as dynamite or he wouldn’t keep coming back for more luscious loving, so his responses are likely to take the edge off your concerns.
But just to be sure, give him the words you need to hear by saying, "I really want to party on top, but I’m so self-conscious about my body in these sex positions that I need your reassurance first. Tell me how much you’d love watching me up there, and I'll be ready to ride."
I also suggest you view my educational video devoted to this oh-so-popular cowgirl position. It will give you a few new tricks to add to your skill-set, along with even more suggestions for making body image a non-issue while you're in the saddle.