Your Only Chance To Get Him Back Is Having No Contact — Here’s How

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Whether we admit it or not, romance comes with a set of unwritten rules — laws we follow in order to win the dating game (and turn it into the mating game).

If you want to know how to get your ex-boyfriend back, one of the most talked about and effective of these is the "no contact rule," used after a breakup.

What is the no contact rule?

The no contact rule is a concept that involves total separation.

The way to make no contact work is simple: After your failed relationship ends, you stop all communication with your ex for a certain period of time. How long should you follow the no contact rule? A safe estimate is between 30-60 days, or one to two months.

This means no seeing each other, no text messages, no phone calls, no emailing, no liking each other's posts on social media, and no letters sent via carrier pigeon. Don't even have contact with mutual friends. You have to stop cold turkey.

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Now, because this method is so extreme, is the no contact rule effective? Many people worry that it isn’t effective, as they focus solely on their ex’s possible reaction to this lack of communication. Will they hold a grudge? Will they move on? Will they run off to Vegas and marry the first person they see?

The problem with these questions is that they’re focused on inefficient or ineffective areas of the relationship. They’re also focused on the other person (the ex) rather than on your own perspective.

And it is your perspective — and your focus on your own perspective — that is of the utmost importance. When a partner leaves you, shifting your perspective is important.

So, what if the tables are turned and your ex was the one who ended the relationship? Does the no contact rule work if you were the one who was dumped?

If you were the one who was left, the no contact rule may not work because your ex isn't the one who wants you. They will probably feel relieved if you stop messaging them. But it may make them realize they miss being wanted by you, hearing from you and being with you, and they may come back.

Needless to say, there may have been complications in your relationship where one or both of you were the cause. Just because you were broken up with, that doesn't mean there isn't a chance that this technique will work. In addition, it may send the message to your ex that you're doing just fine without them.

How to Make the No Contact Rule Work

First of all, it's critical to understand that the no contact rule isn’t used to make your ex miss you. That may very well happen, but that’s not why you’re doing it. It’s for you — for you to learn more about yourself and the relationship, in general.

By shifting the perspective and viewing it in this manner, you learn how to respect your partner’s choice to leave. You’re honoring their decision, which communicates strength, resolve, independence, and self-worth — all things that are very attractive.

Still, even if you’re communicating all of this, there is a fear of it falling on deaf ears.

In short, how does your ex know you’re strong and awesome if you’re not talking to them, not seeing them, and not texting sweet nothings into their smartphone?

The answer: silence speaks volumes.

Even if you’re not communicating in the basic sense of the word, you’re still saying something. No matter what you’re doing (or not doing), you’re always communicating. Even when you’re not in direct contact, you’re still speaking through the no contact rule.

Your silence says more about who you are and the status of your character than going back to an ex ever will. Your refusal to call them or “accidentally” run into them at the grocery store says more than knocking on their door and begging for their return ever could.

RELATED: How To Stop Texting Him When He's Made It Clear You're An Option, Not A Priority

Second, when you ask yourself if no contact actually works, whatever you answer — yes or no — is automatically right. It will work for you, or against you, depending on your level of effort.

It’s not a simple thing, of course. When someone you love blindsides you, hurts you, rips your heart from your chest, and dances an Irish jig on top of the right atrium, it sucks. You feel sad and you want to break no contact more and more.

But as long as you stay strong and resilient, you’ll be among the success stories.

The way to get him back — if you decide you want him back, that is — is to focus on one thing: yourself.

Do whatever you need to improve yourself in whatever way you’re able (all of us have something we can improve upon). Give yourself the chance and time to heal, live your life, and spend time working on your mental health.

You might take up journaling or hire a life coach. You might find a new hobby or throw yourself into yoga. You might join a gym or a book club.

You might even consider talking to someone who is objective, someone other than your mother. Someone who can hold up a mirror and enable you to see the person you are juxtaposed against the person you want to be.

All too often in relationships, we become emotionally invested in a way that we begin to act in a certain manner. This can skew how we see things, preventing us from seeing what is right in front of us, including ourselves.

The time you spend using this rule is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the blink of an eye. Anyone willing to dedicate themselves to the no contact rule can make it work for a few weeks.

Once you’ve successfully avoided communication with your ex for 4-6 weeks, and in the process shown them what a great person you are, deciding whether or not the relationship is something worth saving will come to you much more naturally.

A healthy relationship might be worth a second chance or it might not, but the break allows your decision to come from a balanced perspective — one of strength instead of desperation, and one of reason instead of fear.

If you want to get back together, start talking and try to have a good time. You may have a relationship that didn't work for a long time, but now you both are ready to commit.

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Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator who offers private virtual coaching sessions and online group workshops. Visit his website to learn more.

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