How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back (Without Sleeping With Him)

Photo: getty
woman with red lipstick
Love

Do you want to know how to get your ex back? Maybe you do — but you also don't want to sleep with him.

You have the right idea: Sleeping with your ex-boyfriend is rarely a great plan if you want him back.

Some people say that sex the first step to winning an ex back, but it's really not. More often than not, sleeping with your ex-boyfriend actually hurts your chances of getting back into a relationship with him.

RELATED: How To Get Your Ex Back After Breaking Up (Without Looking Desperate)

If you want to get back with your ex-boyfriend, here are 3 reasons why sleeping with him is a bad idea, first.

1. You’re setting a low bar.

If you sleep with your ex-boyfriend, you’re setting a standard that he doesn’t have to commit to you in order to have sex with you.

As the saying goes, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

Why would he seriously consider restarting this relationship that he clearly had mixed feelings about, and risk screwing up what he already has: Guilt-free, no-strings-attached sex with you?

2. You’re helping him get over you.

When you sleep with your ex, you may feel like you’re luring him back in, but it turns out that you’re actually helping him get over you.

Breakups are painful and confusing for both parties.

In his wounded state, he’ll be seeking comfort and safety wherever he can, even by hooking up with his ex.

By sleeping with you, he’s actually healing his wounds from the breakup. Eventually, he’s going to be healed up enough to get back into the dating market and find someone new.

3. You’re giving him a confidence boost.

I don’t care who you are, if you dump someone, there’s always a big part of you that feels like you may have made the wrong choice.

On top of that, your ex feels bad for breaking your heart. It makes him feel like a bad person who's not deserving of love and affection.

This feeling can often drive him back into your arms to rebuild the relationship.

But if you sleep with him before he commits to you, this can send the signal that you actually don’t hold him responsible for ending the relationship.

So, he’s getting the subconscious message that he’s not such a bad guy. He’s actually desirable and attractive to women, even after he breaks their hearts.

Talk about a confidence boost! And when guys feel confident, they’re more interested in sowing their wild oats than settling down with their ex.

I’m sorry, but that’s just the facts.

RELATED: If You Want To Get Back With Your Ex, Do These 6 Things First

So, how do you get your ex back without sleeping with him?

The first step to winning your ex back, in my professional opinion, is always some period of "no contact."

This means that you don’t call, text, or interact with him in any way for at least 30 days.

Many women worry that their man will move on during this time, and while that has happened, it’s still your best bet to win him back in the long run.

After a breakup, we’re often overwhelmed by negative feelings for the other person, whether this is a defense mechanism or whether it’s tied to the conflict that comes with breaking up.

So in order to combat this, we need to get your ex back to what I call the "emotional neutral." The best way to do this is by simply waiting.

The longer you wait, the more the negative feelings fade and all the happy memories of your relationship begin to reemerge.

Subscribe to our newsletter.

Join now for YourTango's trending articles, top expert advice and personal horoscopes delivered straight to your inbox each morning.

Another benefit of "no contact" has to do with emotional pain.

Couples — or ex-couples — often stay in regular contact after a breakup to try to lessen the pain and ease out of the relationship more slowly.

While this can work, your goal is not to ease out of the relationship but to rebuild it.

So by sticking to "no contact," you actually force your ex to feel the most emotional pain possible.

While we never want anyone to feel pain, in this case, it can be the catalyst that brings them back to you sooner rather than later.

So, when should you sleep with your ex?

The truth is that there's a time to sleep with your ex, and that’s during the end of the next phase: "Re-Attraction". After no contact," you want to begin to reach out to your ex again and start connecting with him.

Now, don’t jump into bed right away. Focus on getting his attention with your personality and by bringing up old memories of the relationship.

Once you two have connected and it feels like things are moving in the right direction, continue to hold out for a while.

Let the sexual tension build. Use that to draw him in.

Then, when you feel like the two of you are starting to talk about getting back together, that's the time to rock his world in bed.

RELATED: How To Get Your Ex Back (The Right Way)

Brad Browning is a relationship coach and breakup expert from Vancouver, Canada. He has 10 years of experience working with couples to repair and improve relationships. For more information about his coaching program, visit his website.