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She knows her friend won't like it.
By Nia Tipton — Written on Feb 26, 2023
Should you tell your best friend that she might be expecting a disastrous wedding proposal from her partner?
That's the dilemma faced by one woman, who wonders if she would be in the wrong for giving her best friend a heads-up that she may not enjoy her boyfriend's upcoming proposal.
Posting to the subreddit "r/AmItheA--hole" (AITA) — a forum where users try to figure out if they were wrong or not in an argument that has been bothering them — she explained that her best friend's boyfriend of five years is preparing to propose.
She is debating telling her best friend that her boyfriend is planning a disappointing proposal.
In her Reddit post, the woman wrote that her best friend's boyfriend had reached out to help figure out his girlfriend's ring size and for help preparing the entire proposal.
"Having known my friend for over 20+ years, I know exactly how she wants her proposal to go and who she wants to be there, so I relayed all this information to him months ago via texts and over the phone," she recalled.
She provided context about how her friend would like the proposal to go, explaining that she is incredibly family and friend oriented, and even expressed that during her relationship, her boyfriend hasn't taken any time to get to know the people in her life.
Referring to her best friend's boyfriend as "self-serving" and "self-focused," she was angered after learning through a mutual friend that he had started a chat with all of his close friends and family to set up a date and time for the proposal.
"He has not only excluded [me] (and according to the screenshots I’ve seen, he is doing everything verbatim I suggested he do) but he has completely excluded her family and other close friends from the event."
She learned that her friend's boyfriend is only planning on having his friends and family present at the proposal, and knowing her friend, the entire occasion will "break her heart" since her loved ones won't be there.
She decided to confront her best friend's boyfriend, but he argued that it was his proposal.
When she eventually decided to call and confront him about the entire thing, he argued that he was allowed to do whatever he wanted since it was his proposal.
"[He] just outright said, 'this is my proposal and I’ve spent enough time and money to choose how I do it, just be happy for your friend. It’s not like you’re not coming to the wedding.'"
After hearing that, the woman was angered by his response, though her fury was only heightened after she ran into her best friend's parents, and learned they were completely unaware that their daughter was about to get engaged.
"They were unaware, and I know for a fact my friend has told him that he needs to ask her parents for their blessing."
While she doesn't want to get involved in her best friend's relationship and possibly ruin the surprise proposal, she feels as if her friend will be highly disappointed by the entire thing.
"I feel I owe it to my lifelong friend to help her avoid being hurt and disappointed [and] help her rethink what her future would look like with someone who just doesn’t appreciate what she values in life."
Most Reddit users agreed she'd be in the wrong if she told her friend about the proposal.
While most Reddit users who commented on the woman's post agreed that she'd be a bad friend to spoil the proposal, they also pointed out that her friend's boyfriend would reveal his true colors soon enough.
"Let him propose his way and when your friend comes to you and complains you can kindly and gently tell her that you tried to get him to incorporate her friends/family," one user wrote.
"Then you can gently ask her if she wants to spend the rest of her life with a man who doesn’t honor her wants/desires."
Another user added, "You shouldn't stop her from experiencing this, even if it ends up hurting her, but you can be there to help her pick up the pieces if you are right about how this plays out."
"You can't protect her from hurt — even if you tell her now, sure it might save her crying in front of his friends/family, but she'll still be incredibly hurt by her partner," a third user chimed in.
"Unfortunately, sometimes we need to let people we love walk into the disaster — she's the one dating someone selfish and maybe she'll finally see it."
Nia Tipton is a writer living in Brooklyn. She covers pop culture, social justice issues, and trending topics. Keep up with her on Instagram and Twitter.