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Out-of-touch — yet somehow kind of wise — words from the Rose family.
By Jaycee Levin — Written on Oct 30, 2020
Schitt’s Creek has been nominated for many awards (and won quite a few of them!) for its humor, acting, and writing. The best Schitt's Creek quotes showcase exactly why people are falling in love with this unexpectedly delightful show and it's glorious cast.
The popular Canadian television show created by father and son team Eugene and Daniel Levy centers around the deeply entitled Rose family — video chain store tycoon father Johnny (Eugene Levy), former soap opera star mother (Catherine O'Hara), would be art gallery entrepreneur son David (Daniel Levy) and iconically spoiled daughter Alexis (Annie Murphy).
After losing their fortune to a shady business manager, the quad must relocate to their last remaining possession the idyllic but bizarre town of Schitt's Creek.
Schitt’s Creek is a wonderful and humorous show full of colorful, loveable and quirky characters.
Production ended after just six seasons, with the team deciding to go out on a high note, but you can enjoy the endearingly hysterical, out-of-touch and yet somehow kind of wise words of the Rose family and their fellow Schitt's Creeek residents by revisiting their best quotes, as listed below.
The 78 Best Schitt's Creek Quotes From The Entire (Hysterical) Series
All-Time Best Schitt's Creek Quotes
1. “I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” — David Rose
2. "If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it's that a mother puts her own mask on first." — Moira Rose
3. “Tweet us on Facebook!” — Johnny Rose
4. “I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life, in really nice shoes.” — Alexis Rose
5. “I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine.” — Stevie Budd
6. “David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican.” — Moira
7. “Like Beyoncé, I excel as a solo artist.” — David
8. “Hide your diamonds, hide your exes... I’m a little bit Alexis!” — Alexis
9. “What kind of barnyard were you raised in?” — David
10. “I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.” — David
Best David Rose Quotes
11. “I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was twenty-two.” — David
12. “The idea of me life coaching another human being should scare you…a lot.” — David
13. “Very uninterested in that opinion.” — David
14. “I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” — David
15. “You just watch a season of Girls and do the opposite of what they do.” — David
16. “The internet is a breeding ground for freaks.” — David
17. “I’m gonna need a stiff drink to get through this.” — David
18. “I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” — David
19. “No matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.” — David
20. “You know, being approachable isn’t that important anyway, The Queen hasn’t smiled since the ’70s, and her birthdays are still very well attended.” — David
21. "Don't be a little B!" — David
22. "I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine... And I've been known to sample the occasional Rose. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot, that used to be a chardonnay... Which got a bit complicated... I like the wine, and not the label. Does that make sense?" — David
23. "You know, being approachable isn't that important anyway, The Queen hasn't smiled since the 70's, and her birthdays are still very well attended." — David
24. "Well, 'fearful' makes me sound like some Dickensian orphan with a chronic illness. It's more an aversion." — David
25. "Okay, I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here." — David
Best Alexis Rose Quotes
26. “But people love extreme vanity... and they love puppies!” — Alexis
27. “I don’t want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as ‘up for anything.'” — Alexis
28. “I wasn’t in rehab; I was at rehab visiting Stavros.” — Alexis
29. “My name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms.” — Alexis
30. “I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time!” — Alexis
31. “The actual longest relationship was a three-month affair with a Saudi prince; but for the last two months of that, I was trapped in his palace, trying to get to an embassy.” — Alexis
32. “Oh in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct-taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head and then bringing them down really hard.” — Alexis
33. “You know what, David? You get murdered first for once.” — Alexis
34. "What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy." — Alexis
35. “Just remember: no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and no matter what happens, do not tell them your real name.” — Alexis
36. "Trust me, no one is thinking about you the way that you’re thinking about you.” — Alexis
37. "It’s just a checkpoint, okay? I’ve been through tons of these in Johannesburg. Umm, it’s like a drive-thru, except everybody has a gun.” — Alexis
38. “Yeah, no. I know composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.” — Alexis
39. "Love that journey for me." — Alexis
Best Moira Rose Quotes
40. “If there is anyone at this fabulous little confab who know how to work a room of fragile egos, it's me. I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People Choice Awards." — Moira
41. “This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” — Moira
42. “Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.” — Moira
43. “There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” — Moira
44. “I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless like you and your sister.” — Moira
45. "Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now." — Moira
46. "I would be pleased to RSVP as Pending."— Moira
47. “When they get mean, you tell them to go to hell! Because only you know who you are! And those cruel Internet people cannot take that away from you!" — Moira
48. “I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.” — Moira
49. "Allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, “Oh, I’m too spooky,” or “Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies,” but believe me: one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ‘Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!’” — Moira
50. "Well, aren't you Mr. Futuristic!" — Moira
51. "Politics 101, John. When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir. It's exciting. It's fun. It's like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own bébé." — Moira
52. "John, how was I to know you were in peril? You keep everything inside, like a bashful clam!" — Moira
53. "We're all pitching in these days, dear. Like communists or non-union actors." — Moira
54. "Nothing is a sure thing. Which is why you should look at every opportunity as a pearl in an un-shucked oyster." — Moira
Best Johnny Rose Quotes
55. “You’re not the only one with an online presence.” — Johnny
56. “Hashtag. Is that two words?” — Johnny
57. "Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer." — Johnny
58. "Welcome. Hope you're enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka. We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way.” — Johnny
59. "Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working." — Johnny
60. "Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office." — Johnny
61. "Why would I Photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town." — Johnny
62. "Oh, I know I don’t have any money, but I need to look like I don’t have money.” — Johnny
63. "I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way." — Johnny
64. "Friends are getting the same discount as family? That doesn't sound right." — Johnny
65. "Why don't you take it easy, Alexis, like you did with your education?" — Johnny
Best Quotes from Roland and Jocelyn Schitt, Stevie Budd and the Rest of the Folks in Schitt's Creek
66. "You strike me as the sort of person that had a hard time in high school.” — Jocelyn Schitt
67. "If you’re looking for an a$$ to kiss, it’s mine.” — Roland Schitt
68. “You’d think there’d be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people’s families.” — Stevie
69. “If those bunnies feel exploited even a little bit, I am pulling the plug.” — Ted Mullens
70. "Between you and me, I know how hard it can be to pay off debt. My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now, which is too bad, because he's deaf, and he only speaks using sign language, but he made his choices.” — Twyla Sands
71. "This isn't 'Say Yes to the Dress,' princess. Orange is the new orange." — Ronnie Lee
72. "You don't wanna use the name Bob? Oh, I get it, go with something a little more old testament?" — Bob Currie
73. "It's just, you're talking about how nice it is not to talk, but you're still, talking about it." — Mutt Schitt
74. "You know, when you kissed me, that, that felt like my first time. All the things that you're supposed to feel, I- I felt them last night." — Patrick Brewer
75. "I actually wanted to do 'Cats,' but everybody said that it was too political, so.” — Jocelyn
76. “I’m only doing this because you called me rude — and I take that as a compliment.” — Stevie
77. “I’m incapable of faking sincerity.” — Stevie
78. “We’re drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic.” — Stevie
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Jaycee Levin is a writer who covers astrology, entertainment, love, and relationships.