88 Best Quotes From 'The Office' For All The Dunderheads In The Room

Michael Scott
Contributor
Quotes

"The Office" — NBC's award winning adaptation of the BBC mockumentary-style series originally created by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant — is still capturing hearts and funny bones more than seven years after the final season wrapped. And even though they're sadly no longer filming new episodes, there's still plenty of great material from the hit TV show that remains relevant today.

Especially now that yet another generation of Dunderheads has developed their own love of the series (thanks to re-runs on Netflix, Amazon Prime and YouTube), you probably won't go very long without seeing someone somewhere using "The Office" quotes and memes on social media or cracking jokes from any of the kooky characters who made the U.S. version of the show so uniquely funny.

Whether your personal favorite is Jim Halpert, Pam Beesly, Dwight Schrute, Kelly Kapoor, Michael Scott or any of the other memorable folks who graced us with their presence in or around the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch, there are a ton of hilarious moments from the show that will never get old. Just ask any true fan of the TV show, they most likely have binge-watched every single episode two or three times.

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If you need a funny Michael Scott quote to pick you up from a bad day or just a good laugh courtesy of Dwight Schrute to keep you going here are 30 of the best quotes from the U.S. version of "The Office" to help put a smile on your face — with plenty of images and memes to share on social media.

30 Best Quotes From "The Office" Of All Time

1. "Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way." — Michael Scott

Season 5 Episode 11: "The Duel"

2. "I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out..." — Kelly Kapoor

Season 7 Episode 2: "Counseling"

3. "I am Beyonce always." — Michael Scott

Season 6 Episode 25: "The Chump"

4. "Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn." — Andy Bernard

Season 5 Episode 26: "Casual Friday"

5. "I am running away from my responsibilities and it feels good." — Michael Scott

Season 4 Episode 7: "Money"

6. "Should have burned this place down when I had the chance." — Michael Scott

Season 7 Episode 19: "Amber Rains"

7. "One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then." — Jim Halpert

Seaason 4 Episode 1: "Fun Run"

8. "Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?" — Kevin Malone

Season 9 Episode 9: "Dwight Christmas"

9. "I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat." — Pam Beesly

Season 4 Episode 13: "Dinner Party"

10. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." — Michael Scott

Season 2 Episode 6: "The Fight"

11. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' and if they would, I do not do that thing." — Dwight Schrute

Season 3 Episode 16: "Business School"

12. "I stopped caring a long time ago." — Creed Bratton

Season 2 Episode 22: "Casino Night"

13. "It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand." — Michael Scott

Season 2 Episode 14: "The Carpet"

14. "The doctor said, if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die. I'm going to die." — Stanley Hudson

Season 5 Episode 13: "Stress Relief"

15. "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." — Michael Scott

Season 4 Episodes 1 - 2: "Fun Run"

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16. "You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once." — Dwight Schrute

Outtakes

17. "Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica." — Jim Halpert

Season 3 Episode 21: "Product Recall"

18. "I understand nothing." — Michael Scott

Season 5 Episode 22: "The Dream Team"

19. "What are your weaknesses?" "I don't have any, a--hole." — Kelly Kapoor

Season 7 Episodes 25 - 26: "Search Committee"

20. "I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number." — Kevin Malone

Season 6 Episode 4: "Niagra"

21. "For my new year's resolution, I gave up drinking... during the week." — Meredith Palmer

Season 2 Episode 10: "Christmas Party"

22. "Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm." "Another worm, like, are they friends?" —Michael Scott and Jim Halpert

Season 3 Episode 17: "Cocktails"

23. "An office is a place where dreams come true." — Michael Scott

Season 5 Episode 13: "Stress Relief"

24. "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." — Andy Bernard

Season 9 Episode 24 - 25: "Finale"

25. "I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake." — Kelly Kapoor

Season 7 Episode 22: "Goodbye Michael"

26. "If I don't have some cake soon, I might die." — Stanley Hudson

Season 4 Episode 7: "Survivor Man"

27. "I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do." — Michael Scott

Season 5 Episode 13: "Stress Relief"

28. "Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship." — Andy Bernard

Season 3 Episode 13: "The Return"

29. "I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted." — Kevin Malone

Season 3 Episode 22: "Beach Games"

30. "That's what she said." — Michael Scott

Various episodes

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Best Michael Scott Quotes

31. "Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make."

— Season 4 Episode 1: "Fun Run"

32. “I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl so I’m wise and I have worms.”

— Season 2 Episode 3: "Office Olympics"

33. "I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream."

— Season 9 Episodes 24 - 25: "Finale"

34. "St Patrick's Day is the closest thing the Irish have to Christmas."

— Season 6 Episode 19: "St. Patrick's Day"

35. "I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car."

— Season 4 Episode 1: "Fun Run"

Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

36. "You couldn't handle my undivided attention."

— Season 6 Episode 19: "New Leads"

37. "I am faster than 80% of all snakes."

— Season 2 Episode 12: "The Injury"

38. "I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors."

— Season 5 Episode 9: "Frame Toby"

39. "You couldn't handle my undivided attention."

— Season 6 Episode 19: "New Leads"

40. "Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it."

— Season 7 Episode 24: "Search Committee"

41. "I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides."

— Season 3 Episode 21: "Women's Appreciation"

42. "When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby."

— Season 3 Episode 4: "Grief Counseling"

Best Jim Halpert Quotes

43. "Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train."

— Season 1 Episode 13: "Health Care"

44. "I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try."

— Season 4 Episode 17: "Job Fair"

45. "From time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future."

— Season 3 Episode 7: "Branch Closing"

46. "Oh so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So. I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure."

— Season 6 Episode 7: "The Lover"

47. "We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like.. uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it... Pretendinitis."

— Season 3 Episode 3: "The Coup"

48. "Everything I have I owe to this job. This stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."

— Season 9 Episode 23: "The Finale"

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Best Prison Mike Quotes

49. The worst thing about prison was the Dementors."

— Season 3 Episode 9: "The Convict"

50. "I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom."

— Season 3 Episode 10: "The Convict"

51. "There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who… have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody’s b-tch."

— Season 3 Episode 10: "The Convict"

Best Robert California Quotes

52. "There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional."

— Season 8 Episode 2: "The Incentive"

53. "You want to start a street fight with me? Bring it on. But you're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. I'm the f---ing lizard king."

— Season 8 Episode 23: "Turf War"

54. "Do I look like someone who would waste my own time?"

— Season 7 Episode 24: "Search Committee"

55. "I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock n roll for people who don't like rock n roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for peole who don't like pop."

— Season 8 Episode 7: "Christmas Wishes"

56. "You can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient."

— Season 8 Episode 6: "Doomsday"

Best Andy Bernard Quotes

57. "Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair."

— Season 5 Episode 1: "Weight Loss"

58. "I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things."

— Season 5 Episode 22: "Heavy Competition"

59. "In high school, I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway got a twelve twenty. Always regretted it... I feel lachrymose."

— Season 6 Episode 11: "Shareholder Meeting"

60. "Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes."

— Season 7 Episode 3: "Andy's Play"

61. "You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'"

— Season 5 Episode 19: "Golden Ticket"

62. "Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!"

— Season 5 Episode 19: "Golden Ticket"

Best Pam Beesly Quotes

63. “I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.”

— Season 5 Episodes 16 & 17: "Lecture Circuit"

64. "I feel God in this Chili's tonight."

— Season 2 Episode 1: "The Dundies"

65. I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, 'cuz 'ol Pammy is gettin' what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy."

— Season 3, Episode 17: "Cocktails"

Best Ryan Howard Quotes

66. "I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to."

— Season 3 Episode 10: "A Benihana Christmas"

67. "I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise, but I did."

— Season 4 Episode 2: "Dunder Mifflin Infinity"

68. “A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard.”

— Season 3 Episode 4: "Grief Counseling"

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Best Quotes From Rest of the Coworkers at Dunder Mifflin Scranton

69. "Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy."

— Angela Martin, Season 3 Episode 21: "Women's Appreciation"

70. "You know, I thought this was an office, not the thunderdome."

— Clark Greene, Season 9 Episode 13: "Junior Salesman"

71. "I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader."

— Creed Bratton, Season 4 Episode 1: "Casual Friday"

72. “You need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing has run its course."

— Darryl Philbin, Season 4 Episodes 7 - 8: "Money"

73. "Everyone I know who skis is dead."

— DeAngelo Vickers, Season 7 Episode 20: "Michael's Last Dundies"

74. "Talk to me that way again and I'll cut your face."

— Erin Hannon, Season 6 Episode 19: "St. Patrick's Day"

75. "My last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full Taco Bell and, I don't know, I couldn't keep up."

— Erin Hannon, Season 6 Episode 22: "Secretary's Day"

76. "You don't want to get on my bad side, I have seen some horrible things, I own over 200 horror movies."

— Gabe Lewis, Season 8 Episode 5: "Spooked"

77. "He answers to Michael. Michael G. Scott. Michael J. Fox. Mr. Fox. The Incredible Mr. Fox."

— Holly Flax, Season 7 Episode 15: "The Search"

78. "My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies, and that for once, I should indulge them."

— Jan Levinson, Season 3 Episode 12: "Back From Vacation"

79. "I’m a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys."

— Jo Bennet, Season 6 Episode 15: "Manager and Salesman"

80. "Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?"

— Kelly Kapoor, Season 4 Episodes 7 - 8: "Money"

81. "Whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it."

— Kevin Malone, Season 8 Episode 22: "The Fundraiser"

82. "I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a Formula One car. The three slowest laps ever recorded."

— Nellie Bertram, Season 8 Episode 19: "Get The Girl"

83. "I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry."

— Oscar Martinez, Season 5 Episode 13: "Stress Relief"

84. "It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete."

— Pete Miller, Season 9 Episode 15: "Moving On"

85. "I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs."

— Phyllis Vance, Season 5 Episode 1: "Weight Loss"

86. "It's like I used to tell my wife: I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too."

— Stanley Hudson, Season 4 Episode 12: "Did I Stutter?"

87. "Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked."

— Toby Flenderson, Season 4 Episode 18: "Goodbye, Toby"

88. "Alright. Truth is, I got a couple love bumps on my ding dong, so I was like oh, game over."

— Todd Packer, Season 7 Episode 18: "Garage Sale"

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Molly Given is a writer living in Philadelphia and a lover of all things to do with mystery and magic in life. She focuses on quotes, pop culture, television and entertainment.