25 Of The Best Comebacks & One-Liners From ‘The Office’

i am better than you have ever been or ever will be dwight schrute quote

The Office is known for its over-the-top jokes, awkward moments, and some of the best comebacks and one-liners of any sitcom, all delivered perfectly by its fantastic cast.

I know so many people who can continuously quote The Office, for any reason ever, no matter where or who they are with, where they are going, or where they have been.

Allow me to initiate you into the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company fan club.

The Office is an American mockumentary sitcom that aired in March of 2005, with the series finale airing May 2013. The Office is still in rotation on TV today, and many a millennial tune in via Netflix daily.

The show's jokes, moments, pranks, and witticisms have allowed The Office to remain one of the most popular sitcoms on television.

Best Comebacks & One-Liners from The Office

RELATED: 50 Best Michael Scott Quotes From 'The Office' To Crack You Up

I have gathered 25 of my favorite one-liners from this epic show. Feel free to use these on your friends later!

1. "Dwight, you ignorant slut!" — Michael Scott

Photo: Imgur

This quote comes to us courtesy of season 3's 'Safety Training’ episode.

Though this zinger was rehearsed, it still proved to be effective and has a life of its own outside of The Office. From pillowcases to mugs, you'll see this one-liner everywhere.

2. “You don’t have any friends, or any family, or any land.” — Dwight Schrute

Photo: Reddit

In episode 13 of the fifth season of The Office, Michael hosts his own roast. He crosses the line by calling Dwight stupid, and Dwight snapped back with some harsh truths. The next time someone calls you an idiot, tell them how you really feel via this quote.

3. “No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.” — Stanley Hudson

Photo: Imgur

What is the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks? We never figured it out, but what we did figure out what was how sassy Stanley can be!

4. “I don’t understand what you want from me.” — Angela Kinsley

Photo: Pinterest

Queen of mean, Angela, gives us this next one.

In the episode "Beach Games," Angela helps Dwight carry out sabotage against Andy by pretending she doesn't hear him calling her from the middle of Lake Scranton.

Honestly, watching Andy try to get Angela's attention will never get old IMO.

5. “Dad, go to hell! I’m taller than you!” — Andy Bernard

Photo: Reddit

Hello everyone, let’s welcome Angry Andy back from his hiatus.

In this hysterical scene, Nellie finally gets the best of Andy, causing him to lash out in “misdirected anger.” Inadvertently, he finally stands up to his dad.

6. “I don’t have any.” — Kelly Kapoor

Kelly has no weaknesses, and she doesn’t like you asking. That’s that on that.

7. “Not now Toby, my God.” — Jim Halpert

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Is there something about being a manager that makes Toby so terrible to be around? Must be.

Whatever the case may be, irrational hatred of Toby is one of the funnier running jokes on The Office. 

8. “Well, well, well, how the turntables.” — Michael Scott

Photo: Pinterest

David Wallace had no idea how high Michael could fly until Michael left the company to start his own paper company.

With their company potentially going bankrupt, there is a lot at stake in this meeting, but that doesn’t stop Michael from popping off.

9. “You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.” — Michael Scott

Photo: Pinterest

When Michael decides he’s going to spend the night in the woods, he brings Dwight along for the ride. In proper form, Dwight acts a little strange, prompting this sick burn from Michael.            

10. “The eyes are the groin of the head.”  — Dwight Schrute 

Photo: The Office Quotes

As per the quote before this, it is a fact that Dwight is a bit of a weirdo. But in a loveable way!

Dwight is full of useful information, but this one-liner has to be the most helpful. You're welcome.

11. “Did I stutter?” — Stanley Hudson 

Photo: Pinterest

If you don't remember this episode, consider yourself lucky. This is one of the more severe comebacks on this list, and boy, was it effective.

Sick of Michael’s shenanigans, Stanley delivers this line with righteous anger. Woof.

12. "Hey, Goldenface! Go puck yourself!" — Michael Scott

Photo: Tenor


Okay, so aside from Threat Level Midnight being the funniest movie ever made, it gave us so many great quotes, like the one above.

RELATED: 50 Best Dwight Schrute Quotes From 'The Office'

13. “I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?” — Kelly Kapoor 

Photo: Twitter

I hated Ryan working at corporate. He was such a… Mean person who deserves mean things.

This quote from Kelly sums up my feelings about that!

14. “Why are you the way that you are?” — Michael Scott 

Photo: Tenor

Poor Toby. This season two quote by Michael was directed at everyone’s least favorite HR rep.

This quote is effective — save it for later use.

15. “Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.” — Andy Bernard 

Photo: Tumblr

Young Andrew Bernard — how I loved him so.

This quote from season three is perfect. So perfect that whenever my friends get a little sassy, I hit them back with that quote.

16. "Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So, sue me!" — Michael Scott

Photo: Reddit

Nothing wrong with a little hit and run! Or so Michael says.

17. "You all took a life here today. The life of the party." — Michael Scott

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This quote belongs in the comeback Hall of Fame. It’s brilliant and funny.

18. "I want to be wined, dined, and sixty-nined." — Kevin Malone

Photo: Twitter

Kevin’s delivery of this line is perfect, and yours will be too!

19. "I am better than you have ever been or ever will be." — Dwight Schrute

Photo: Pinterest

If someone is a jerk, keep this line in your back pocket.

20. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” — Stanley Hudson

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Remember Tallanasty? It was a wonderful time for Stanley.

This may not necessarily be a comeback, but it’s certainly a quote to live by.

21. “How are you not murdered every hour?” — Andy Bernard

Photo: Reddit

Maybe I’m picking on Toby too, but I can’t help it! This line is just too funny.

22. “I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.” — Pam Beesly

Photo: Reddit

While writing this article, I thought of all the funny quotes The Office has given us, but I thought of this quote too. Pam Beesly saved the Dundies with this line, and now we all feel God in this Chili’s tonight.

23. “I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before … try.” — Jim Halpert 

Photo: TV Gag

Jim is usually busy pranking Dwight, but when his job is threatened, he buckles down, but with a little humor.

24. "You couldn't handle my undivided attention." — Dwight Schrute

Photo: Pinterest

Dwight is pragmatic, and so are his insults.

25. "That's what she said." — Michael Scott

Photo: Tenor

Would this even be a list of the best The Office comebacks without this quote?

RELATED: 20 Best 'The Office' Love Quotes From Jim & Pam

Rachel Reed is a writer and editorial intern interested in news, culture, self, and relationships.