25 Of The Best Comebacks & One-Liners From ‘The Office’
You’re going to want to jot these sick burns down for later use.
The Office is known for its over-the-top jokes, awkward moments, and some of the best comebacks and one-liners of any sitcom, all delivered perfectly by its fantastic cast.
I know so many people who can continuously quote The Office, for any reason ever, no matter where or who they are with, where they are going, or where they have been.
Allow me to initiate you into the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company fan club.
The Office is an American mockumentary sitcom that aired in March of 2005, with the series finale airing May 2013. The Office is still in rotation on TV today, and many a millennial tune in via Netflix daily.
The show's jokes, moments, pranks, and witticisms have allowed The Office to remain one of the most popular sitcoms on television.
Best Comebacks & One-Liners from The Office
I have gathered 25 of my favorite one-liners from this epic show. Feel free to use these on your friends later!
1. "Dwight, you ignorant slut!" — Michael Scott
Photo: Imgur
This quote comes to us courtesy of season 3's 'Safety Training’ episode.
Though this zinger was rehearsed, it still proved to be effective and has a life of its own outside of The Office. From pillowcases to mugs, you'll see this one-liner everywhere.
2. “You don’t have any friends, or any family, or any land.” — Dwight Schrute
Photo: Reddit
In episode 13 of the fifth season of The Office, Michael hosts his own roast. He crosses the line by calling Dwight stupid, and Dwight snapped back with some harsh truths. The next time someone calls you an idiot, tell them how you really feel via this quote.
3. “No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.” — Stanley Hudson
Photo: Imgur
What is the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks? We never figured it out, but what we did figure out what was how sassy Stanley can be!
4. “I don’t understand what you want from me.” — Angela Kinsley
Photo: Pinterest
Queen of mean, Angela, gives us this next one.
In the episode "Beach Games," Angela helps Dwight carry out sabotage against Andy by pretending she doesn't hear him calling her from the middle of Lake Scranton.
Honestly, watching Andy try to get Angela's attention will never get old IMO.
5. “Dad, go to hell! I’m taller than you!” — Andy Bernard
Photo: Reddit
Hello everyone, let’s welcome Angry Andy back from his hiatus.
In this hysterical scene, Nellie finally gets the best of Andy, causing him to lash out in “misdirected anger.” Inadvertently, he finally stands up to his dad.
6. “I don’t have any.” — Kelly Kapoor
Kelly has no weaknesses, and she doesn’t like you asking. That’s that on that.
7. “Not now Toby, my God.” — Jim Halpert
Photo: Pinterest
Is there something about being a manager that makes Toby so terrible to be around? Must be.
Whatever the case may be, irrational hatred of Toby is one of the funnier running jokes on The Office.
8. “Well, well, well, how the turntables.” — Michael Scott
Photo: Pinterest
David Wallace had no idea how high Michael could fly until Michael left the company to start his own paper company.
With their company potentially going bankrupt, there is a lot at stake in this meeting, but that doesn’t stop Michael from popping off.
9. “You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.” — Michael Scott
Photo: Pinterest
When Michael decides he’s going to spend the night in the woods, he brings Dwight along for the ride. In proper form, Dwight acts a little strange, prompting this sick burn from Michael.
10. “The eyes are the groin of the head.” — Dwight Schrute
Photo: The Office Quotes
As per the quote before this, it is a fact that Dwight is a bit of a weirdo. But in a loveable way!
Dwight is full of useful information, but this one-liner has to be the most helpful. You're welcome.
11. “Did I stutter?” — Stanley Hudson
Photo: Pinterest
If you don't remember this episode, consider yourself lucky. This is one of the more severe comebacks on this list, and boy, was it effective.
Sick of Michael’s shenanigans, Stanley delivers this line with righteous anger. Woof.
12. "Hey, Goldenface! Go puck yourself!" — Michael Scott
Photo: Tenor
THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT!!!
Okay, so aside from Threat Level Midnight being the funniest movie ever made, it gave us so many great quotes, like the one above.
13. “I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?” — Kelly Kapoor
Photo: Twitter
I hated Ryan working at corporate. He was such a… Mean person who deserves mean things.
This quote from Kelly sums up my feelings about that!
14. “Why are you the way that you are?” — Michael Scott
Photo: Tenor
Poor Toby. This season two quote by Michael was directed at everyone’s least favorite HR rep.
This quote is effective — save it for later use.
15. “Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.” — Andy Bernard
Photo: Tumblr
Young Andrew Bernard — how I loved him so.
This quote from season three is perfect. So perfect that whenever my friends get a little sassy, I hit them back with that quote.
16. "Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So, sue me!" — Michael Scott
Photo: Reddit
Nothing wrong with a little hit and run! Or so Michael says.
17. "You all took a life here today. The life of the party." — Michael Scott
Photo: Pinterest
This quote belongs in the comeback Hall of Fame. It’s brilliant and funny.
18. "I want to be wined, dined, and sixty-nined." — Kevin Malone
Photo: Twitter
Kevin’s delivery of this line is perfect, and yours will be too!
19. "I am better than you have ever been or ever will be." — Dwight Schrute
Photo: Pinterest
If someone is a jerk, keep this line in your back pocket.
20. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” — Stanley Hudson
Photo: Pinterest
Remember Tallanasty? It was a wonderful time for Stanley.
This may not necessarily be a comeback, but it’s certainly a quote to live by.
21. “How are you not murdered every hour?” — Andy Bernard
Photo: Reddit
Maybe I’m picking on Toby too, but I can’t help it! This line is just too funny.
22. “I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.” — Pam Beesly
Photo: Reddit
While writing this article, I thought of all the funny quotes The Office has given us, but I thought of this quote too. Pam Beesly saved the Dundies with this line, and now we all feel God in this Chili’s tonight.
23. “I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before … try.” — Jim Halpert
Photo: TV Gag
Jim is usually busy pranking Dwight, but when his job is threatened, he buckles down, but with a little humor.
24. "You couldn't handle my undivided attention." — Dwight Schrute
Photo: Pinterest
Dwight is pragmatic, and so are his insults.
25. "That's what she said." — Michael Scott
Photo: Tenor
Would this even be a list of the best The Office comebacks without this quote?
Rachel Reed is a writer and editorial intern interested in news, culture, self, and relationships.